Mom vs Heroin

Another Birthday, Continued Hope and Thanks-Giving

2011-11-22T02:57:00.004-06:00

Yesterday, my daughter turned 22. Amazing. I am Thankful that she is still alive, and am grateful for a chance to see her today after so many months of "not knowing" - It is a gift to me each time I can hold her and tell her that I love her, and that I believe in her strength.

She seems to be at a fork in the road - she's been here before, yes - but for her birthday, as a gift, I am believing in her. While she was here she made a call to Nexus Recovery. They do not have a detox bed until possibly Wednesday, and a counselor will call her then. I pray she is still determined on Wednesday.

I also spoke with a kind soul, Doug Y., from the Dallas chapter of Heroin Anonymous; it just means so much when you get a call from somewhere like that and they are "real" - I felt the care in his voice, and it meant so much.

And then I read Cassie's blog and I cried.

I am doing this mobile, so not sure if I can add recent pictures of Landon until tomorrow... But I do have a video to share from last week. He is healthy and happy and a joy to all. I have recently seen Landon's "Sissy" Kaylee. She is staying with the other grandparents, and is healthy, sweet and sassy - much like her mother at that age (almost 2!) - She and Landon are very close and that is a joy to me.

I better go to bed - but on this special day I wanted to put forward some encouraging and loving words to my daughter. I hope you all are able to take the time this week to give thanks for the small gifts that surround us every day.

Using Again... All The Signs are There

2011-07-31T13:18:00.004-05:00

Landon turned 3 on the 24th... My, how time flies. He's doing great.

I haven't seen Amanda in a few weeks. For a while she was in touch,and brought Kaylee to see me. She looked good and her outlook was positive. My biggest concern was the fact that she had taken up 100% with "boyfriend" once he got out of jail. She was doing so well without him.

Those who have seen her regularly say she is using again. Her father, who she and "boyfriend" were living with, told me of paraphernalia found, and "using behavior." When confronted by him she did not deny it. In telling me this, he asked me not to say anything to Amanda, and I didn't. However, when we met the other grandparents soon after to exchange Landon, they also expressed concerns and felt the "kids" needed to be drug-tested. I told them what was told to me.

Ah - the drama starts again... The other grandparents told them to take a drug test or give them Kaylee, or else they would call CPS. End result is that Kaylee is with her grandparents. This much is encouraging.

I am haunted by this song and the senseless tragedy of Amy Winehouse's addiction. I was also moved by this tribute from Russell Brand and what he says about addiction

Amy Winehouse - Rehab by Henrietta-Aime-Fumer_Tv

My Daughter Is A Strong Woman

2011-03-08T22:46:00.002-06:00

It's been so long since I've updated... My daughter is doing great, and I am thankful every day to be able to say that. Especially on this 100th anniversary of International Women's Day.

She has travelled a road that many do not survive, but I believe in her. In her strength, and goodness, and her desire to be a good mother. She's sober, and working hard. She is beautiful and healthy and smart. She is surrounded by family and love, and I know she can do anything she sets herself to do.

Today I feel the purpose of my blog has changed; I feel the story is an important one, though, so I'll keep it up. She's not quite sure how to take this blog - it certainly is my side of where we have been... After all of this time, she has grown from a child into a woman, and she finally understands I was never "fighting" her, I was "fighting" heroin. Perhaps one day my daughter will co-blog with me? We'll see. I have been inspired by so many others, and I hope she will be as well. She can be an inspiration, too.

Stay strong and don't give up... This community of parents has been a life-saver to me. I try to check in on all of my friends here; I'll try harder - because I truly do care.

One step at a time, moving forward...

Mom Stuff... and Wishing You All Safe Holidays

2010-11-22T22:16:00.003-06:00

November 21st, My daughter turned 21. It is so sad and ironic that when all of this started she was 17, and counting the days until she would be "free" of parental restrictions.

I have not heard from her, still. I did find out that she can receive electronic messages and pictures via "jpay" while she is in state jail - and so I sent her a message and some pictures ... and even $20 for commissary - I can do that on her birthday... It is always harder on her birthday... and Thanksgiving.

I would have written, but I am still not sure exactly what facility she is in - but Jpay only requires her State CID # - something like that... I am thankful I had some way to try to reach her on her Birthday.

*****************************

Happy Birthday, Honey. I am not sure you will get this in time, but I hope of course that you know I am thinking of you always, and especially so on your Birthday. I miss you every day, like I am sure you miss your children - that will never change. Your Birthday and Thanksgiving will never seem complete when you are not here. It's been so long.

I am sure there are reasons you have not written - I just want to be sure you know that no matter what, I love you. You are my baby.

Speaking of babies, Landon and Kaylee are doing very well. I have attached recent pictures of them, I hope that you get them. I do not have so many of Kaylee. I see her when we exchange Landon - she is always so sweet and if she's awake, she is smiling. Your sister brought her for the day not too long after you went to LS, and she was just starting to crawl... and very playful. The only thing was when she got sleepy, she was not very patient with regular back-patting or rocking. Finally, I took her to a quiet room without BOYS and tried to do what I imagined you might do. I held her to my chest and swayed side to side, and sang "silent night." She immediately relaxed, and let herself fall asleep in my arms. It may be a coincedence, but that is also what always worked with you when you were a baby.

Landon - well - what a talker! He is so smart, and funny. And SMART. He is weaning himself from his pacifier (his dada) - but still likes it when he goes to sleep. The other night when we wre getting ready for bed, he went in the playroom to get his dada while I was putting dishes up. He came running back looking upset and said "where's my dada?" (Yes, he talks that well!) - I told him it was in the playroom and he said it wasn't, so I went with him to show him - and he was right, it was not where I KNEW he had left it. I turned around & started looking thru his toys, and then he said "It's hid-in-ing!" - I followed him to the futon where he has pillows and stuffed animals, and had to laugh when he got a mischeivious look in his eyes and said "Theres it is! It was hid-in-ing!" and reached behind his monkey and pulled out his dada! He sure was proud of that joke, and I admit he got me good. :-)

These sweet children remind me so much of you, Amanda. So much. I have attached a picture of 1 - Landon at the park, 2- Pirate Landon on Halloween, 3- Landon asleep with "Buzz Woody" - his favorite movie is Toy Story 3... And 4 - Miss Kaylee taken recently in Terrell.

I hope you will write, Sweetheart, but if you don't, please know I am thinking about you, and worrying about you, and loving you.

I will never forget my cabbage patch baby born November 21st, 1989. I look forward to the day when we are together again on your birthday and the holidays. You have a family who loves you and misses you, and only wants all of the good things for you that you are capable of achieving. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. (I will also send some birthday money thru Jpay - I hope you can use it for some comforts. I wish it was a better birthday, Honey. It seems it will not get to you by Sunday, either, but I am sending it as soon as I finish this letter.

I love you,

Mom

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I hope you all have a Wonderful, Thankful Holiday

Quiet time... Not Likely

2010-10-25T23:46:00.003-05:00

I have been waiting for some solitude to put in an update and do justice to the whole complicated situation. But, I don't really see any solitude or quiet moments of reflection in the near future... that is not a negative in many ways - the time away from the demands of my job is best spent with my husband and Landon and the children who are running the typical gamut of young adulthood... and, it is my pleasure to be involved in the "normal" madness.

We recently celebrated my eldest son's 30th birthday and his engagement to his long time girlfriend. Such a wonderful thing... enjoyed time spent with my 2nd eldest daughter, discussing her challenges with her pre-teen sons and her precocious 5 year old... 3rd eldest is preparing for deployment to Afghanistan and that makes time with him important... 4th eldest daughter has flown the nest and it is fascinating watching her balance work and "life" and how well she seems to be doing it... the youngest daughter is one of the most responsible young ladies I have ever met... not only taking classes and working, but also dedicated to Landon as much as any parent ever was dedicated to a child - she has been with him since day one, and actually we have to help her remember to make time for herself.

And then, there is our addicted one... my youngest, our second to youngest, the subject of this blog... (Norm and I each have three children from previous marriage.) She has been sentenced to State Jail for at least 6 months... she may also get additional time for heroin possession charge that she was on probation for out of different county. "Boyfriend" also got some state jail time - 8 months - for the endangerment to a child charge. Ironically, if he hadn't involved Kaylee in his get-away attempt, I think he'd probably be out again already. My daughter now has a longer rap sheet than he does. I really have difficulty wrapping my head around that. It is what it is...

CPS sent us a letter only last week, a form letter, thanking us for our interest and advising that they investigated the situation and found no basis for a case. Yes - Mom and Dad are both in jail, baby was involved in a crime, everything is OK! I can't really wrap my brain around that one either. Kaylee does seem to be ok for the time being - she is crawling now. We see her when we exchange Landon with the other grandparents, and my 2nd eldest daughter has brought her to visit a couple of times when she watched her for a day or a weekend.

I haven't heard a word from my daughter - unlike all other times, she has not written me even to ask for money. I have written her a couple of times just to let her know I love her and to send her the "Rescue this Child" poem. What else is there to say that hasn't been said in other letters to her in lock-up? It may finally be shame she is feeling - I know she bonded with Kaylee. I don't think it is my place right now to add to that... and if she isn't feeling remorse, what would be the point of communicating any other message? I think she probably wasn't using, except maybe started again shortly before the arrest in August. I have heard there was friction between her and "boyfriend" because he had been using... All I know for sure is she was arrested again - with him - and allowed her daughter to be put in harm's way.

I think I was almost hoping she would get out as in the past and have time with her daughter without "boyfriend" calling the shots - but really, it isn't just his influence on her. It's the whole situation and the decisions she has made - if not him, there is no reason at this point to think there would be anything to keep her from continuing to make poor decisions

And... Life goes on. It's not all bad, it's mostly good. And for now, I know where everyone is and that they are safe (relatively speaking.)

Landon is officially in his "terrible twos" ... meaning, he's hitting all of the landmarks and is doing well. Look at that face and that smile - Who needs solitude? Ok, Ok... anyway, when it's calm, we are usually sleeping :-)

Define "Best Interest of the Child"

2010-09-03T15:33:00.004-05:00

Daughter and "boyfriend" remain in Dallas County Jail... CPS has no open case on Kaylee. She is with the other grand-parents still. They told me that Kaylee was "placed" with them, but CPS has told us that there has been no official placement. We are at an impasse there -

I do not know all of the details, but my daughter's bond amount is now $150,000.00. Her recent theft charges are enhanced previous convictions and violation of probabtion. I don't think she will be getting out soon, but I have been wrong before. The irony is that "Boyfriend's" total bond amount is less than $3500.00; $1500 of which is for the charge of Abandon/Endanger Child by Criminal Negligence. HE could be released any day.

Based on what I know, when arrested, "boyfriend" took off running with Kaylee in a carrier, tossed her across front seat of car and attempted a get away. Thankfully the officers on the scene stopped him. At some point he was "tazed." (I must admit that I would get great satisfaction if I could have seen that taser action. Sorry, but it's true.) THANK GOD for the quick actions of the Garland PD - I still get nauseous thinking what would have happened if a high chase pursuit had ensued with Kaylee in front seat, unsecured.

Norm and I have faced a true delimma, and feel that we have made the best decision that we can at this point...

A. We have done what we can: We called Texas, VZ County and Dallas CPS. Written to them as well. Faxed same correspondence to the prosecuting attorney's for both my daughter and "boyfriend." I contacted a local reporter. I emailed Dallas Children's Advocacy Center, an organization that works with Dallas County District Attorney's office and law enforcement. The goal and hope being that someone will tie together the past with the present to help ensure Kaylee is safe. I have not gotten any direct response from any, except the reporter's kind assistant who asked me to "keep them posted" and from a wonderfully compassionate soul at DCAC - I believe she has done what she can to bring the info to anyone she felt could help... in one of her last emails to me she stated (regarding VZC CPS) "unfortunately, I am having a hard time getting a response, too. And I work here!" - apparently one difficulty is that there is no CPS case number. Anyway, in an over-burdened system, a direct reply is not necessary...

B. Norm did speak with the VZC CPS worker who apparently has spoken with the other grand-parents. She is the one who advised there is not an open case, as Kayle is safe now. And, that despite what the other grand-parents have implied, there is no safety plan or formal placement, and Norm and I need to coordinate with the other grand-parents directly to work out visitation with Kaylee.

This is the hard part - We do not feel that we can take on this responsibility with the people who have proven time and again to us that they have no respect for us, will not put the children's best interests first, or be honest with us about issues affecting the children. Nor have they made any attempt to include us in Kaylee's care. They have brought her with them on the last few "Landon exchanges" so that we can see and hold her all of 5 minutes. Yes, we could ask them if we could take her with us for a weekend... but, not only do I hesitate to ask their "permission" for something I am as entitled to as they are, but also am very aware that at this point, when they say "no", I really have no recourse. We have made arrangements with other family members to bring her to see us.

The example in the picture likely seems trivial, to anyone unfamiliar with the history dating back to 2007. But this text message here from the other grand-mother just emphasizes the fundamental concern, to us - From the day Landon was born, they have resented our "intrusion" - They see us as adversaries. I suppose they believe we see them the same way, and to a certain degree that may be true.

**venting alert**
Specific concerns, based on our history of attempts to work with the other grand-parents (and my daughter and their son) at the very least demonstrate to us a co-dependence and enabling pattern that we feel has and will continue to put Landon and Kaylee at risk.

In 2007, after arranging for my 2 months pregnant daughter to enter re-hab, they came and picked her up and "took care of her." They refused all efforts to meet with us to discuss the situation or take any other action to ensure the saftey of the child on the way, despite knowledge of the heroin addiction and their son's past history with CPS related to his heroin addiction.

They supported my daughter and son throughout her pregnancy with Landon. Including bailing them both out of jail - which lead up to Amanda's withdrawal emergency at 8 months preganant.

Despite the fact that our actions likely saved the life of my daughter and Landon, they resented our involvement of CPS. Once they were included in the CPS Family Safety Plan, which made us all responsible to take legal action to obtain custody if my daughter and their son failed to uphold their responsibilities (stay clean, go to rehab, get a job, create a safe home, etc) - they refused to follow through with us when my daughter and their son continued to use heroin.

Due to their refusal to cooperate, CPS advised Norm and I to obtain a lawyer and file suit for custody of Landon. We did so and filed suit in the proper jurisdiction: Dallas County - where Landon was born and legally resided. Process servers attempted to serve notice to my daughter and their son at all known addresses, but were unable to locate them. The other grandparents and family stated to us and to law enforcement that they did not know the whereabouts of their son and my daughter.

After failure to serve them papers, we were advised to not only seek custody, but termination of parental rights. Again, for the same reasons we were unable to serve them papers of amended motion.

Shortly after a Dallas County hearing in which they failed to appear, despite finally having them served when they went to Dallas County for an appearance concerning a criminal charge, the paternal grandfather appeared on our doorstep with an order granting them temporary custody of Landon! All of the while they had claimed they did not know where their son and my daughter where, after and fully aware that we had filed proper suit in Dallas County, they had retained an attorney, filed an illegal custody suit in Van Zandt County stating that Landon lived with them and attached affidavits written by my daughter and their son stating that they were unfit to care for Landon and wished custody to be granted to the paternal grandparents. In so many ways they perjured themselves. We did not hand Landon over to him, of course - when he called local law enforcement and they came to our home, they agreed we did not have to turn the baby over as we had the same orders issued out of Dallas County.

Within days, the paternal grandparents had obtained a "writ of mandamus" from Van Zandt County ordering law enforcement to take Landon from us. (Somehow, hmmm, local law enforcement was unable to locate me or Landon until our attorney took the legal steps needed to invalidate the writ.)

Despite the illegal actions, we agreed to change venue to Van Zandt County and became parties to the suit there. This was an expediency issue, not to mention a financial one, as it was the quickest way to get the case before one judge. The end result was an agreement reached for shared custody of Landon that we have today. Our legal expenses alone where $15,000. I have heard the other grandparents spent $5000. It seems a travesty that $20,000 that could have been invested in college funds for these children, or rehab if and when either my daughter or their son sincerely wanted help, was instead spent the way that it was simply because the other grandparents would not work with us per the terams of the CPS Family Safety Plan.

So... are the paternal grandparents dishonest, and hateful? Or are they so seriously entrenched in their co-dependency that they really believe the things they have done out of love for their son were the right things to do? I can't answer that. I do believe they love their son, and Landon, and Kaylee. I also know they do not love them more than I love my daughter, and Landon, and Kaylee.

Other areas of concern are chronicled throughout my blog. Norm and I, based soley on our own experience, do not feel comfortable entering into another legal fray like the last. The current effects on Landon under the custody we share with them now are becoming more and more difficult for Landon, the older he gets. We have no enforcement of the custody that stipulates no unsupervised visits by my daughter and "boyfriend" when Landon is with the other grandparents. If and when they are released from jail, the worry in that regards begins again.

CPS is an overburdened agency - an official safety plan if put in place will again make the family members who enter into it legally responsible for the safety of Kaylee. At this point, we could only consider it if the others had unsupervised visits. We cannot guarantee her safety otherwise. But even then... Really, honestly ... I do not understand why a safety plan rather than flat out termination of my daughter and "boyfriend's" parental rights should even be considered. There are wonderful people who are unable to have children of their own and would rejoice at the opportunity to adopt a 6 month old baby girl. To me a "safety plan" with the goal of re-uniting Kaylee with her parents is an excercise in madness, with the consequences ultimately being tragic. Kaylee is safe right now, but all of the things that could have happened on August 4th when Kaylee was innocently involved in a crime by her parents.

What about future children my daughter chooses to have with "boyfriend"- for all anyone knows, she could be pregnant again. It's a hell of a mess. My heart breaks for all of children of addicts; and for the families who really want to ensure their safety.

Just When You Least Expect It ....

2010-08-10T22:35:00.006-05:00

I swear, I was going to post something - something good. I swear it - and I had come THIS close to accepting that me blogging something positive would not "jinx" any thing... I guess I learned for sure that my daughter's situation happens whether I weigh in or not, or... or... Just thinking about writing something positive is enough to tilt the world on it's axis.

Truth is, I wanted to say I thought she was doing well - I have seen her a few times, briefly, when she has ridden along with the other grandparents when it was time to exchange Landon for his visits. She looked good - I've seen more of Kaylee because my other daughter was babysitting her while A went to work. To Work! She was working - I was excited about that. So, when I have seen her she's looked - well, like a tired mom. But what I have worried about is I haven't seen or heard much of anything about "the boyfriend" - and I still believe anyone who chooses his life chooses trouble. I would really like to be wrong about that.

Anyway - short of it is they are both in jail as of last Wednesday. Caught shoplifting is what my daughter told me when she finally called me because... well, because that's the only time I really hear from her.. and since no one got her out before she finally called me. I will never get over how hard it is to take those calls. Anyway, she told me she hadn't talked to anyone. She was deperate to get out "cause I have to go to work" - I got off the phone, took a breath... then...

I went to the county website and did an inmate search, found her... then I found him. His charge? ABANDON ENDANGER CHILD CRIMINAL NEGLIGENCE - among other things. She called back shortly and I asked her to tell me what happened. She made it sound like no big deal - "Boyfriend" took off running from the police holding 5 month old Kaylee. She said his brother had the baby at the time she called..

What would you have done? I called CPS. I'm finding out 2-3 days after the fact, and just the day before we had handed Landon over for his weekend with the other grandparents. It didn't add up to anything re-assuring, that's for sure. I found out soon enough that the other grandparents knew, and said nothing. My oldest daughter even - she knew, and said nothing. A lot of people knew. Just not me or Norm.

We met the other grandmother yesterday, to pick Landon up. The first thing she said was "Did you call CPS?" I told her we did. What I should have said is "Yes, didn't you???" She said she'd wished we'd given them her work number, they'd called her cell and left a message. (?) ... She hadn't spoken with them yet, only had a voicemail, and was pretty dismissive of the siuation: "They just weren't thinking..."

At the same time I was in parking lot talking to her, someone texted me that the grandparents were planning on going to the jail to get a signature from Amanda so they could "enroll Kaylee in daycare."

Anyway - it was the 6th when we found out and called CPS. We haven't heard anything...
Apparently case was closed after CPS was called when Kaylee was born in February, and no one was monitoring my daughter, "boyfriend," or their baby Kaylee. I have cried all I can cry, written all I can write to investigators in past CPS cases. In case any of them read this blog:

"I want to know the children are safe. Please drug test them. If Kaylee is placed I would like to have visits with her, I would like to see her and her brother spending time together. The parents have not fulfilled the plan CPS drew up over 2 years ago when Landon was born. I understand they tested clean when Kaylee was born (the had spent 5 months in jail.) I wanted it to work, too. My daughter's "Boyfriend" has had 4-5 other children removed from him before he met my daughter. THEY WERE IN A WALMART, IN DALLAS, STEALING, WITH A 5 MONTH OLD. On a day when the weather was 104 degrees. I understand my daughter and her "boyfriend" did not list me as a contact to come get Kaylee, even though I was minutes away. Please just remember why: I would have called CPS. (There is no one else to call in this case.) I also would have gone and picked her up, and kept her safe for as long as we were asked to. The other grandparents probably won't explain that there are 2 sets of loving grandparents - because last time there was a safety plan, my husband and I took it serious. Landon is safe. Please protect Kaylee."

I believe my daughter has bonded to and loves Kaylee. I know Kaylee is very likely trying to understand where her Mom is - and her Aunt who has been babysitting even. This whole situation is heartbreaking. I wish I could hug her and keep her safe and tell her it will all be ok. I wish I could hug my daughter, too.

July 2010 at the "half way point"

and Heeeree's Landon - 2 years old on 7/24/2010:

Happy Belated Mother's Day

2010-05-14T17:00:00.002-05:00

So many have checked in, and I apologize that I have not written much. We are well... I think of you all often, and I guess I am guilty of illogically feeling that I may jinx something by posting that, as far as I know, my daughter and her daughter are also well. I have been in touch with her by phone, tho I haven't heard from her in a couple of weeks. The last time I saw her was a "Landon exchange" with the other grandparents, and she had a Mother's Day gift for me. She looked good, looked tired, which is how most moms of a 2-3 month old babies look... I hear Kaylee is happy and healthy - she has been there also on a couple of "exchanges", but not on any the past few weeks.

I want to share, for all the Moms and Dads, really all who love an addict - this beautiful and inspiring post by BMelonsLemonade:

Mothers

~Hugs~

Update

2010-03-21T18:40:00.002-05:00

I apologize it's been so long since I updated...

Mom and babe are healthy... As predicted, I was only notified that my daughter had delivered the baby because she hemorrhaged and was taken back into surgery several hours after the birth - Thankfully, some who conspired to keep me in the dark understood that I deserved to know when my daughter's life was in the balance. I don't think I need to explain the awfulness of the hour and 1/2 drive to the hospital praying that my daughter .... well ...

So - Thankfully, the following day she was out of ICU... I was focused on her and the baby and thankful.

On the 2nd day, after I went to the hospital again at my daughter's request, "boyfriend" - nice to my face - later threw a fit about me being there. In the evening when several family members were there, a nurse came in and said the baby needed to go back to the nursery for tests, and suggested family members step out of the room while she talked to my daughter and "boyfriend"...

We went downstairs, and about 15 minutes later "boyfriend" called me on my cell, yelling that I was not welcome to come back, that my daughter did not want me there, etc etc... Apparently CPS was called, and naturally, it was all MY fault.

Long story short... all were tested. When results came back, all tested clean. My daughter is talking to me on the phone, and I saw the baby on Thursday when we met with the other grandparents to exchange Landon for his visitation with them this week.

Unfortunately, this time and the time before, Landon did not want to go...
I don't know if it's the attention paid to new little sister Kaylee, or just the normal behavior of a 20 month old who is frustrated by the lack of continuity and the frequent back and forth... It is very hard on us all, but hardest of all on Landon.

I pray that my daughter continues to bond with her daughter and will always put her children's needs first. Thank you all for your continued prayers and for "being there..."

Introducing...

2010-02-25T11:55:00.001-06:00

So far it's been a bumpy ride - My daughter has had complications following C-Section and is in ICU - Hopefully out of ICU today. So this is just a quick update - more later.

We have talked, and she is looking forward to doing the right things and putting this baby first. The other grandmother and I have talked also and we will be ready as family to help the parents, as long as they are doing the right things and putting Kaylie first...

Little Miss Kaylie is doing fine - born 8:15 am yesterday morning:

Plowing Ahead

2010-02-13T12:49:00.000-06:00

No new news, except that I got a promotion at work ... and we got quite a lot of snow, which is unusual in this part of Texas... The next time that we have this much snow fall, Landon may have kids of his own! He likes snow - very much... we have to spell it, S-N-O-W, unless we are prepared to take him out.

We have a nice park across the street from our house - I thought it would be fun for him to go for a walk, and he agreed - unfortunately, I envisioned the sidewalk that ambles around the park as a nice clear path through the snow. In reality we found about 5 foot of walk fairly clear, and on each side a treacherous path that a few intrepid dog owners had tracked through, leaving footprints that had crusted over with ice...

Of course, Landon was ready to plow ahead, blissfully unaware of the challenges of that path. We slipped through several yards before I decided we needed to turn back...

Daughter's "boyfriend" is out of jail as of last week. New baby due within 2 weeks. The other grandparents will have Landon for the third week of this month. I wish the path ahead was clearer.

Moving Forward

The No-Drama Zone

2010-01-30T12:14:00.002-06:00

Well - not much to tell, but here's an update...

I have seen my daughter twice - she got released from Dallas County shortly after my last post - we were out eating dinner and having a nice time and the phone rang - she was out, at a payphone - and supposedly couldn't reach anybody. It was one of the coldest nights of the year... I was about to go pick her up, but called the "others" first and they were already on their way to get her. Would have been very apropos if I had gone to get her and she was already on her way, with no one calling to tell me. Almost happened.

Anyway - I saw her the last two times we took Landon for exchange. She is very pregnant, looks ok. That's about all I know. I hugged her. She could care less, because, well, she's not in jail.

She is only there when we are dropping Landon off, never when we pick him up. She wrote and called me frequently from jail - nothing since she has been out, except that one cold night when she was covering her bases. Yeah, I know.

I did ask her and "boyfriend's" mother at points if she is still seeing the doctor she saw while in jail. Both said a hesitant yes. The "boyfriend's" mom last time told me no, then yes, but that they do NOT have a c-section date scheduled. They "don't know nothin'... Ok. Fine. Whatever. I have a feeling I may find out about the birth after the fact, and likely not from daughter or "boyfriend's" family. I have no idea where she is staying - supposedly with a "lady from church." IF that is true I can only imagine the whoppers that good Samaritan was told.

Really, honestly... I don't care. I am well aware we likely will not get a call unless someone needs us to do something that no one else thought of, prepared for or will do - and, honestly, in that case, we just might not be able to do it. In fact - I feel that they are very responsible via their enabling for where my daughter's life is now. Frankly, I'm not losing sleep over any of it.

Apparently everything is just fine, under control - good for them all. Maybe THIS TIME someone besides my husband and I have made plans for a newborn. Am I worried about the baby? Of course. But it's not a game, no conspiracy here - If they are getting some amusement or feel a victory that they are "hiding" something, they are playing it by themselves. Have a blast. You "win!" ... We simply aren't playing. If my daughter isn't using, and as long as "boyfriend" is still in jail she might actually stay clean; maybe the reality of caring for a newborn is exactly what she needs to wake-up. The "others" want to take care of her - feel free! Maybe then *they* will wake up. They just better understand they will be held accountable for keeping Landon, when he is in their care, and the new babe safe.

*I* know this:

I didn't Cause it
I can't Control it
I can't Cure it

Syd says it well, whether the addiction is heroin, alcohol or "boyfriends" here

And the serenity prayer.

Ad Vitam Paramus

2010-01-07T21:57:00.002-06:00

**Update - she's out, released last night, [Thursday]**

So - She has been transferred to Dallas County.

She called me yesterday & last night and feels confident she will be out within a week. It would not surprise me.

The "boyfriend" is still in VZC; apparently he was indicted on a 2 yr old charge that he had.

My daughter said she was anxious to get out so she could "work on getting him released" ... With a baby due in (glances up) 50 days.

Sigh. Keep the prayers coming!

Keep Moving Forward [don't forget to look back]

2010-01-05T21:17:00.003-06:00

It is mind-boggling to me when I look back to January 2008 and January 2009 .... and my friends, when I look back at where you were a year ago, or two... I wonder what this year will hold and what will we think when we look back in January 2011?

I am glad I don't have a crystal ball... without knowing any more than I do, all I can do is the best that I know to do. There is the potential for great things to happen tomorrow. There is the chance of great sadness, too. I will certainly grow wiser, and pray the education is not too steep; that what I learn is something that will pass along to my daughter one day, and something she will pass along to hers.

I am so thankful for my husband and family and friends. I am not unhappy - there is so much love and laughter... I only wish my daughter was a willing part of it all, feeling it all, facing it all - with us.

Moving forward...

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.

And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises

was oftentimes filled with your tears.

And how else can it be?

The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.

Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?

And is not the lute that soothes your spirit,

the very wood that was hollowed with knives?

When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"

and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.

Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.

When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

~Kahlil Gibran

500 Lb Gorilla in the Room

2009-12-29T09:04:00.003-06:00

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was very nice after all, after we got Landon home. He is full of his usual vim and vigor, chattering away, excited by life and glad to be home. We have a new nickname for him: "Typhoid Landon"... Me, Norm and M all got his virus, and it's tenacious... No wonder he was so ill.

Well, having spent a bit of time in close quarters with the other grandparents, some things were re-assuring, such as his "mee-maw's" sweetness to him. Some things were concerning, some things confirmed, and most things status quo. The weirdest thing of all to me is this: We are all gathered in a room, caring and worrying about this sweet child that we are responsible for because our children, his parents, are addicts and both are in jail ... and the fact that my daughter is 8 months pregnant, a new grandchild is on the way, was not discussed. De ja vous.

Not for lack of trying on my part. I attempted several times, but that just sets the "we don't know nothing" statements. There were a couple of allusions to Dec. 29th ... for some reason my daughter has had it in her head that she will be getting out of the VZ County Jail today - and transferred to Dallas for an outstanding warrant. Maybe - apparently they had X number of days to hold her without an indictment, but how much of this is jailhouse legal advise and how much is fact, I'm not sure. It would stand to reason the same would apply to the "boyfriend" arrested the same day, but no one seems to think he'll be out any time soon.

I do think there is a real possibility that the county would find a way to get her off of their hands so that they aren't saddled with the cost of her delivery - a c-section slated for February 19th, if what she has told me so far is true. The concerning part is Dallas has never held her for more than 10 days for anything. Could she be "out" when her baby is born? Yes, I think she might be.

I am pretty confident the other grand-parents know more than they are telling us. I wouldn't be surprised if my daughter has already signed whatever affidavits and paperwork is needed to transfer the baby to them at birth. It's a waiting game.

I could have been more pressing, I could have maybe cornered them and said what I have said here at least - but, per status quo, I think it would have only been more frustrating - I wouldn't have believed them, anyway.

So - today's a day I may or may not learn something. Sigh - they are all like that anyway. A day maybe my thinking shifts to a different kind of worry, a new unknown. Wonder what the new year has in store for us all.

All I can really do is repeat the serenity prayer and wait, and hope my daughter and her daughter are healthy and safe. Like her son is.

Discharged from Hospital This Evening

2009-12-21T21:02:00.003-06:00

It's been quite a ride... Landon was released sometime between 4-5:30pm - since it is the other grandparent's visitation time, he went home with them. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll have any other info until Friday when we get him back. I didn't even know he'd been discharged until I called at 5:30pm to see if the Dr. had been back to check on him. I had asked them to call me. They were already headed home. Kind of frustrating, that. I'll have to assume that no news is good news.

I was there until about 2pm today - we had expected him to be released this morning, but the Dr was concerned because his breathing was still a bit fast and shallow and so wanted him to stay a bit longer and said that she'd come back by later in the day to see how he was.

Landon sure was ready to go - he had had enough of hospitals! He did get a special visit from some of the Dallas Cowboys and one of the cheerleaders. It is nice that they take the time to visit the children. Landon will be proud of the pictures and autographs one day, I am sure - but at the time he was still pretty wary of anyone he didn't know that came into his hospital room.

Of special note, I want to thank Nurse Audra for her care of Landon - everyone was great, but she stood out, as did Amy at Baylor ER... And the people I work for and with, it sure helps having supportive employers and colleagues.

And you guys here... Thanks for the verbal hand-holding and prayers :-)

Update on the Little Patient

2009-12-19T10:44:00.008-06:00

***Update Sunday: Landon isn't going home today - hopefully tomorrow - He is feeling MUCH better, but he still has to make it through the night without oxygen, and it didn't happen last night. He did get his IV disconnected - the stint is still in place, but no more IV tube to trip us up***

Thank you SO much for the thoughts and prayers.

The other grandparents stayed with him last night so that we could catch up on sleep - It's been tough, days a blur - but the toughest time has of course been had by Landon.

We spoke this morning with The other grandfather - Landon is off of oxygen, which is GREAT news - what they need to see is him going through the night without the oxygen, and then that extending through his waking hours - so far, so good. He was still on IV Fluids - but when we left last night he was drinking juice and was more himself than he's been in a few days - fiesty enough to wreak a tangled havoc on all of the tubes...

Anytime a new unknown person walked into his room yesterday. he burst into tears - certain that they were coming to "hurt" him, I guess... the only treatments that he seems to like are the breathing treatments and the "percussions" when a respitory therapist pounds on his back with a little soft cuppy thing to help break up mucous. The first time we saw that, it was like "Holy Cow! Now they have to beat him, too!" - lol - it looks and sounds like he's getting some stout blows... but the PT took my arm and pounded it with the "precussor" and, yeah, very soft. Whew.

We were called by his new day school on Tuesday because he had a fever and so went and picked him up... he seemed fine, and happy to get a day off - just a slight cough... the fever responded to ibuprofen. On Wednesday morning we took him to his pediatrician, and we were quite shocked that the Dr felt that he either had a slight pneumonia or bronchitis... a stout antibiotic and nebulizer treatments were prescribed (along with rx for pacy) - and signs to watch for that would indicate we bring him back to the office.

Thursday night at 8:30pm, he woke up from a 2 hour nap with fever that didn't respond to medicine, and hiss breathing was labored - we headed for the ER... They took him back immediately. A few hours later we got results that he tested positive for RSV - According to my research, he doesn't exactly fit the profile of children typically hospitalized - but no one at hospital seemed surprised... They said it is one of the worst cases they have seen :-(
We are headed back to the hospital now - More later. In the montage below - it starts at home with him getting the prescribed breathing treatments after pediatrician visit Wednesday - Our youngest Daughter M has been a life-saver - and beside Landon every step of the way since birth - she plans on being a pulminologist, and was familiar with breathing treatments, etc due to her own asthma... he liked the treatments and even fell asleep during them - Another big support has been our oldest son, "Uncle Bubba" who is a pharmacist and has helped us understand what's going on with the little guy, the treatments, and etc.

Landon is surrounded by love.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Landon Is In the Hospital

2009-12-18T18:01:00.000-06:00

Just a quick update. We took Landon to the ER last night at 9pm... he has been diagnosed with RSV... A very nasty virus I knew little about until yesterday.

He was admitted and got to ride in an ambulance to the Pediatric Unit of another Dallas Hospital at 2am.. Poor little guy. He's been poked and prodded (5-6 blown IV's) and the saddest thing of all is we just can't explain why to him. He's sleeping now, Thankfully.

Everyone is working together for Landon, I am so pleased to report. Please keep him in thoughts and prayers...

I call her an Angel

2009-12-14T19:28:00.003-06:00

Sometimes someone else says it all so well - Here it is -

What a Junkie Mom Misses

Thanks and Bless you, Fractal Mom, for the difference you make in your granddaughters' lives

Additional Lyrics by Janis Ian that move me:

For Dawn:

When Angels Cry
(Janis Ian)

Wait Your tired arms must rest
Let this moment pass
Wait until the morning
Close your eyes and you will see
who you used to be
left without a warning
Who knew one so big could grow so small
Lighter than the writing on the wall

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four letter word

'Cause only love will matter in the end
for a woman or a man
What's the difference now
Here we live with bottles
and needles and truth
Here is your living proof
that death cannot be proud
Some say it's a judgement on us all
I can't believe that God could be that small

When angels cry, can I stand by
When stones weep, can my heart sleep
Wish I'd never heard, wish I'd never heard
Wish I'd never heard
the power of a four letter word
If ever was a rose that longed to bloom
If ever was a heart that longed to fly
If ever was an angel, it was you
So close your eyes and say goodbye
Goodbye

When angels cry, I can't stand by
When stones weep, I can't sleep
Guess I've finally learned
Guess I've finally learned
Yes, I've finally learned
that love is just a four letter word
Hope is just a four letter word

About a Boy and his Pacy

2009-12-09T22:51:00.003-06:00

Landon was greeted by us eagerly and was happy to see us - and his pacy. "Mean grampy" (Cheri, I think you get credit for that one - lol) wasn't there... but that wasn't the point, really - He can take it or leave it as far as we are concerned. The baby, that is. That's the thing - there are plenty of no-no's and rules and they are very important because of safety. Then there are rules that we teach by example - sharing, playing nice, no hitting, respecting others, the golden rule, etc etc... We're not going to just make them up so we can be in control - sigh.

I want to say that I got an email from Landon's paternal Aunt, K, and we talked a good while. She would like readers of this blog to know that:

"As the daughter of the "mean" grandpa, being sober my entire life, the mother of 3 beautiful boys, friend of the author of this blog, and aunt of "Baby Landon" as my boys call him, I would like to share that I have not seen a pacifier in Landon's mouth for several months. I personally only allowed my children to have a pacifier until the age of three months because I offered them the comfort they needed and refused to have to pay for the dental problems that may occur because of long term use. He is not under stress or dismay at my parents' house, in fact we spend many days as a family going to the park, shopping, playing outside, playing peek-a-boo, visiting family members in the area, watching "Winn Dixie", and many other family oriented activities. My parents are moral, ethical, CHRISTIAN, people ... We are not horrible people, just on the other side of the fence...."

I would just like to re-iterate one more time then let it rest: What he did in yanking the pacifier out of Landon's mouth and how he did it and what he said and why was wrong. It happened. It's wrong for anyone to act that way. Clearly we disagree with their family view point on pacifiers, but not "just because" ... a member of their family works in a dentist's office, so maybe, just maybe, they will take the time to read and share what American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry has to say about pacifiers.

It's not really about what we grandparents think about pacifiers.

As far as being on the other side of "the fence", it reminds me of a line I read once: "I shall never see a castle without thinking of how stong we could have been had we had built the walls around us, rather than between..." That was more communication about Landon from anyone on the paternal side that we've had since he was born. I've known K since she was 16 and best friends with my oldest daughter and called me "mom", and though we haven't always agreed, I care for her very much. She's in a tough spot, and I appreciate her stepping over that fence.

We actually have much in common, our two families; most importantly Landon and his expected sister... and the heartache of an addicted and loved child, sister, brother...

In fact, I did my best to explain to K that this blog is my place for processing my thoughts and feelings, and spreading my own testament to the pain and confusion of loving an addict... and the people who I link to here and who commented on my last post are loving people who would just as soon help her father rather than knock him down for the pain he and her mother have also gone through as parents of addicts - BUT - In many ways, it's like a no BS zone, too... one lesson I think we've all learned is one of the first steps in truly helping our addicts recover is letting go of some of our own destructive and defeating thought processes and controlling behaviors.

You know - It took me a while to get used to the idea of placing newborns on their backs to sleep - But I did it anyway. I may not ever get over how contrary that is to the way newborns were placed on their tummies when my children were babies, and how right that was, then.

Moving forward.

Babies suck sometimes...and so do adults

2009-12-05T12:37:00.009-06:00

So far, a routine in all of our lives for over a year has been the regular meetings with the other grand-parents to exchange Landon for their visitations... every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend. I really believe it's been harder on us than on Landon... but the last few times he's seemed a bit like "uh, wait..." - just a flicker of concern. Maybe my imagination. In any event, we make it as easy on him as possible - we act positive and matter of fact, and all goes pretty smoothly.

Well, the last time, not so much. Landon had had a hard week, a schedule disrupted by holiday travel, new childcare arrangements, and the day before the "exchange", 3 shots on a well-baby visit. He was in a pretty good mood though, as we drove the 30 minutes to the McDonald's that is the 1/2 way point where we meet the other grand-parents.

The other grand-father walked over to the door of our van where Norm was getting him out of his car seat. Norm lifted him out and was making polite small talk, and about to hand Landon over when the other grand-father reached up and yanked Landon's pacifier violently out of his mouth and threw it into our van, with some comment about "that damned thing out of his mouth..." - I was in shock. Landon's face crumpled and he started wailing... and the other grand-father took him from Norm and walked away to his car. It took great restraint on our part not to react, which would have only made the situation harder for Landon.

I hope that Landon got over it quickly - I know that we did not. It was a senseless and cruel thing to do, and blatantly disrespectful to Landon and to us.

We had heard that they do not allow Landon to have a pacifier when he is with them - we heard third hand, of course, they have never discussed it with us... so far there have been no issues about it. But what he did really pissed me off. It wasn't too hard to imagine him telling Landon gruffly to quit acting like a baby and be a man.

Whether it was an act of meanness or just ignorance, it highlights our concerns exactly... Not that the other grand-parents would intentionally cause harm to Landon, but the fact that they are so close-minded and inflexible in their beliefs, and so disrespectful of others.

When Landon was born, and my daughter was still in the hospital, I remember "the boyfriend" taking the pacifier out of newborn Landon's mouth and tossing it aside, spouting his opinion that it was bad. A heroin addict who had already lost 4 children to CPS. Nice.

Landon's enjoyment of his "pacy" is the least of our concerns, then and now.

Quick update

2009-11-13T20:55:00.000-06:00

In a letter today, learned that my daughter has had a sonogram and she is healthy and the baby is healthy as well. She is 25 weeks, and the baby is a girl.

I don't know much more than that - she has spoken with a lawyer and is keeping her hopes up that she will be released before the baby is born, but I don't think that is realistic. She does seem to want us involved, either way.

Her due date is February 26, but a c-section is scheduled for Feb 19th, because of the c-section before. That seems like a blessing; the thought of her going into labor in jail is pretty awful. I hope at least this one "known" doesn't change.

Her spirits seem good overall, and she is getting good prenatal care, unlike last time. Her birthday is next weekend - she will be 20.

Landon is doing great - so smart - so funny. He's been very generous with hugs and kisses this week, and they are so sweet. Pictures tomorrow.

Have I mentioned my husband is amazing? His reaction to the news that it is a granddaughter on the way in February? "A girl... I am already crazy about her"

G'nite

Intricate as a Fugue

2009-10-22T21:48:00.001-05:00

Wow - what a day. Sure miss servers when they are down! In the world of tech support, especially.

No news to report on the "situation" - I did get a long letter from daughter yesterday, though. Predictable, sad. She sure knows my buttons. I'll breathe deep before replying. She did request another copy of "rescue this child" poem - I can do that, easily.

Syd's recent post about Beauty prompted me to share this poem here that I ran across in 2005 while husband and I were in the mountains of Texas, and that I have been thinking of lately:

Ars Poetica of a Desert Dweller:

Soon I'll be speeding

Through a cement-sliced canyon

towards wages and work, a steel key turning

In a steel lock, but first I

stop

on my way to the car

and kneel

the better to see a needle-misted cactus

among broken rocks

crowned by a ruby-petalled star

smaller than a fawn spot,

intricate as a fugue. Tiny Flower,

fleck of fire, beauty indifferent

to indifference, teach me.

~ Laura Long

Paradox Acknowledged

2009-10-13T22:17:00.004-05:00

You may remember this post: Oh I Hope Not?

Apparently this is the case. My goodness, when it rains it pours... or it feels that way to me, in the current situation... Much of this has been going on over past few months, and I am only recently learning of it.

5 months pregnant and in jail again. Deja Vous. Chances are likely this child will be born in prison. I stand firm to the ideal that a child is born to responsible, drug-free, law-abiding parents. However, many wonderful people would not be here today is that was the reality. Do I love my daughter? Oh yes. Would I get her out of jail if I was financially able? No. Am I happy that my daughter is pregnant and in jail? No. Can I personally do anything about this current situation? No. Do I have a crystal ball? Obviously not.

Still processing the info - but I have to say again that I have the most beautiful and supportive husband. He doesn't process over-much - He faces life head on and helps me to do the same.

A new life deserves recognition and welcome - this child deserves all of the love and hopes and dreams and prayers that are typically bestowed upon an eagerly anticipated child, this is a firm belief, I have none other that contradict. I shall start making this child a baby blanket, as I did for it's brother.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

I Don't Know Much... in this case, that's a lot

2009-10-11T10:51:00.003-05:00

Daughter has so far called me twice from jail - this is new - Not new that she is calling me now that she is in trouble, no no, that is the way it's been for past couple of years... but this time she is calling collect - at $9.99 a call - Can't keep that up - Geesh. Before, when she was in this county jail, she called me often, I guess from a guard's cell phone. She's obviously not a trustee these days.

The calls are hard, and I told her I can't accept anymore because of the expense. That's is true, but also because of the emotional toll. As a parent there is a certain tone of voice or cry that we do recognize as genuine hurt, or fear - and as parents, we want to console. And, I can't in this case. I also don't see any point in reminding her NOW that I haven't heard from her since the last time she was in jail and giving lectures... truly, any valid point I have to make does indeed sound like I am doing that. She tells me she was doing so good, was clean, etc, etc... All I know for sure was last I heard from her she was in jail, and now she is in jail again... It does seem to be true that she hasn't gone thru withdrawal like before. BUT - I also know thru others that she isn't telling me everything (obviously.) I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child.

Of course, she says she is innocent, unlike all other times, as she pointed out, when she was guilty, she admitted it. The way I see it, this is the 1st time she is in a situation where the consequences of admitting any guilt are so very serious, and so... well... the only thing I am sure of is it's not at all suprising she would claim not guilty. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. I'll have to wait and see how this plays out just like everyone else.

The circumstantial evidence is so overwhelming. Sigh.

Headed to the fair

2009-10-09T11:13:00.001-05:00

I spoke with daughter briefly on the phone the other day - no real updates. Her bond is $200,000 - I think she'll be there a while. I really don't know much else.

Today, husband took some time off and we are taking baby to the State Fair. Of course, it has been raining cats & dogs since about 2am. Who cares! Maybe means less crowded, more for us! Funnel Cakes, here we come!

(Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers... I added a new link - Dad on Fire - what an apropos name, right?)

How many more chances?

2009-10-02T01:10:00.009-05:00

My day started out ok - But we all are now familiar with the random phone call that just knocks the breath out of us. I do not know how exactly, but I felt it building.

I am numb, maybe I shouldn't do this, but I feel as if the integrity of this blog is at stake if I do not share this now. As Lou so recently pointed out: "Their entire profile is on the internet at the department of corrections and the county court's website. Uhh, I don't think your blog is any big smear to her reputation."

Yes, yes, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty - but just as true is the concept of guilt by association. The consequences of drug abuse and it's stereo-typical lifestyle cannot be trivialized.

My daughter and her "boyfriend", the parents of my grandson, the focus of this blog are still at large -
**Update: they were arrested Thursday night**

Also, I have apparently "offended" the other grandparents when I called to ask if we could change this weekend's visitation to next weekend, considering the circumstances with the parents "at large" and the severe weather. Their answer was no. So to make a bad day worse, we loaded baby up and drove 30 miles in a true deluge.

Yes, my heart is breaking and I am sick with worry & frustration. They did agree to "talk" about the situation... I did my best under the emotional strain of the day, along with my husband, both of us soaking wet in the back seat of their car - my husband wedged sideways between car door and carseat - to try to explain that it is not really that we don't trust them, but the fact that everything about the situation itself frightens us and it is my own daughter and their son we don't trust and:

canwepleasegetalongandcommunicateandworktogetherforthebestinterest
ofthebabywhowehavehandedovertoyoujustnowandaretrusting
youtoputbeforehisparentsaswehavedone, no offense

In a nutshell, the take-away I heard from them was

"Inyourblogyousaidyouhateus."

Ah. Yes - apparently I am the only one not allowed to be fallible. Too bad I'm not a fugitive from justice or an addict. Too bad that is all they read in my blog. Too sad, too.

Tears roll gently down,

As Athena lays down her shield;

Wisdom is over-ruled sometimes,

Off of the battlefield

~ me

Little Bird...

2009-09-30T01:00:00.002-05:00

I have always loved Fiddler On The Roof ... My daughter watched it often with me, and loved it too. We also watched Jesus Christ Super Star, Hair, The King & I. Often. We had so many small joys in common and I cherished snuggling up to watch a classic, or discussing books we read. I suppose I am a bit melancholy right now - It happens. Some things that I do without her now, that we used to do together, have such a different meaning than when she was safe beside me.

This scene reminds me so much of her... if you haven't seen the movie, hard to explain, but I think many of us can relate to the sentiment. A parent's pain & confusion when a child goes against all they had hoped for the child.

Well, That'll Teach Her...

2009-09-26T17:07:00.002-05:00

Well - My daughter finally had her "day in court" for heroin possession. And the verdict is.... Deferred Adjudication. I hope that makes sense one day to the people who love and care for her.

On a happier note - baby has a laptop now so he can work like I do :-)

Short respite

2009-09-20T15:16:00.000-05:00

I highly recommend taking a break, even a small one :-)

Baby is with other grandparents, and husband and I both took time from work to have a long weekend - and took a road trip - Left Friday, back Saturday. In our case, the where wasn't so important - just the fact that the two of us got away, alone. Very nice. Highly recommended.

Alive and supposedly well

2009-09-06T10:39:00.006-05:00

Well, a family member recently saw daughter - said says she actually looks pretty well.

Her reason for not contacting me apparently is

1. I am too hard on her
2. First time I saw her out of jail I did not hug her (see Baby Steps)
3. My blog here has put her life on display

Sigh. Family member also reports that the real truth is likely she prefers to surround herself with people who feed into her BS. Sadly, I must agree. This would be the "boyfriend's" family.

But. I am glad if she really is doing well. I would be happy to shout from rooftops, mountains, blogs the good news - a recovery story - a happy ending. [A new beginning]

Until then, I'll post as I see fit - what I feel, what I believe, what I know... what I think may help other parents and addicts. I don't know any other way to do it.

I had no idea she knew of my blog. I do not think she's actually read it, though. I suspect those who are in the grips of enabling her and "boyfriend" may take offense at some things I've written. That's too bad. Like my daughter, any one of them could pick up the phone, or visit, and have a meaningful conversation about the situation. This has never happened - from the time I learned about her heroin use over 2 years ago up to today.

A week can seem so looooong

2009-09-02T21:20:00.006-05:00

It's been an intense past 7 days... I've been rattled a bit. I keep reading about people taking vacations... longingly... we love to travel and used to do so, but with baby, work, etc, we knew it would be "less" this year - but I think we do need a get away weekend. Soon.

Last night my sweet husband came home early from work, which just never happens, very ill - he was shivering like crazy, and despite ibuprofen, his fever continued to rise. When it jumped to 103.3 f we knew he had to go to clinic - The nanny had just reported that her son had flu and she would be home with him for two days, so I was so worried about Husband, he just never gets sick, and also concerned about the baby and others in house catching it. Good News/Bad News - Not the flu - But husband has pneumonia :-( and feels awful... I think worse for him is he had to stay home and he worries about his clients - worse for me is trying to make him rest. He got a big shot and is on antibiotics. OH - and, this morning he had an allergic reaction to the codeine cough medicine prescribed. Poor Big Guy. Did I mention that my day yesterday started with a one-year check up for Baby - he's doing great, yay! But he had to get shots and so has been a bit cranky. Poor little guy. Laughing and playing and jabbering away and then someone pokes him in both thighs - that really really hurt his feelings.

I empathize completely. Sometimes things happen that just so do not make sense and can't be explained and certainly do not seem fair at all.

Last Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk doing my thing... Husband had just gotten home from work - Baby was with the other grandparents, life normal (as normal as our life is, normally, anyway, ha ha. ) You know from last posts daughter has been on my mind - so stage is set:

Another daughter knocks on bedroom/office door and tells me that a -- County constable is at the door asking for me. Well. I fell apart almost immediately. -- County is where my daughter "lives" and where the baby goes when other grand-parents have visits, so I just knew that I was about to hear that they had found my daughter's body or something had happened to the baby. How I made it to the door, I do not know...

The incredible irony of what I heard the constable say added total confusion to the mix: He had a warrant for my arrest. Mine. Incredible. Double sucker punch.

Quick: The good news - No one was dead, hurt, in danger, etc - Thank God. Also, I did not get arrested. Ha Ha - I am almost able to laugh a little now about that - 6 years ago when I was moving, boxes of checks were stolen by the moving crew. The bank notified me, I filed a police report, and I dealt with any notices I got of forged checks, explained situation, etc. 6 years ago.
Unfortunately, a couple of places that had cashed some of these bad checks did not attempt to notify me, they simply filed with the local JP and I suppose the reports got lost under some pile... until last week. Incredible. But, the bright side is a very nice constable: 1st he was totally surprised to find me - any one could have found me at any time in past 6 years - and was very sympathetic... he waited around for us to go to ATM and get cash to buy money orders and then escorted to mail box in lieu of arresting. Sigh. So now I have to go through all of the bureaucracy I did 6 years ago - to small town police station to get copy of police report with bank affidavits, then to JP to hopefully get my money back. Did I mention irony? It seems like addicts get away with intentional misconduct regularly, right? I did nothing wrong, and, well...

I am looking forward to things getting back to normal. We need a vacation. Seriously. Sadly, any potential vacation funds got mailed to JP and "Vacation" time for hubby spent being sick and mine will be spent getting money back from said JP. So - Until a real vacation happens, I shall vacation vicariously through others and remember to count my blessings and look on the bright side. And remember to smile. What else can I (we) do?

Oh, I hope not

2009-08-22T15:51:00.002-05:00

Ever been relaxing, reading a book, drifting off to sleep and have a bone-jarring thought?
I did last night.

What if she's pregnant again?

Could that be why no one has seen or heard from her lately?

There are other explanations, of course. I sure hope so.

I miss her, conditionally

2009-08-09T10:14:00.007-05:00

I miss my daughter.

A few times this weekend I've let my thoughts "go there" - and quickly retreated, cause it hurts.

I haven't heard from her in months... neither have other family members, which is different than it's been before. I miss the letters from jail... for a while there was steady communication - I know it won't be there, but I still am letdown when there is nothing in the mailbox. Sigh. She knows how to call, write or visit.

I saw her a couple of times briefly, and she didn't look like anyone I know. Truthfully, I do not miss "that" person... but I mourn for the sweet, sassy daughter that was.

I also feel guilty, because I could attempt to reach out to her - the "boyfriend's" family could probably get a message to her. BUT - what I don't miss are the drama calls... I'm pretty sure she isn't in touch cause she doesn't want my no-money, no-enabling, no-BS brand of mothering. I'm sure she knows I love her.

I just miss my daughter. Baby is with other grandparents this weekend - and I had two days off of work... "quiet time" doesn't do me as much good as it seems it would in theory, ha ha... Between work and the baby, I have a pretty good outlet for maternal feelings and a feeling of control over outcomes. Busy is good.

Found on another blog, I love this creative mix - beautiful & whimsical...

My daughter would have loved it, too

Having his cake and eating it too...

2009-07-26T19:20:00.013-05:00

Ok, he REALLY likes Birthdays. Not sure we thought this one out beforehand - but no ill effects today :-)

Thanks all for the sweet B-day thoughts - and we keep moving forward... Safe from any recent "heroin drama", thankfully

Happy Birthday Little One

2009-07-24T10:12:00.008-05:00

Happy Birthday Little One...

It's hard to believe it's been a year - and also hard to believe it has turned out as it has. But - Baby's life is a celebration of many things - That he arrived into this world safely and unharmed by his parent's addiction is a miracle - Might not others follow?

Baby is with his other grandparents today - we will pick him up this evening. I don't know if my daughter spent his birthday with him or not. It is so incredibly sad that she chose heroin over this child - I can't understand it. I believe she doesn't understand it. I am thankful right now that Baby is unaware.

For him, so far, life is Light and Love and Laughter and Security :-)

The "Hot Stove" Rule

2009-07-19T10:35:00.009-05:00

I was reading a fellow parents blog, and a recent topic was boundaries, and setting them , and then, most importantly, following through. It is one of the hardest things about loving an addict. It reminded me of an article that I find helpful in many aspects of my life - I thought I would share

* Immediacy

Characteristic: If you touch a hot stove, it burns you immediately, not some time later.

Implication for leadership practice: Conversations about [boundaries] should take place immediately after the event that triggers them, not be left until later, whenever possible.

* Forewarning

Characteristic: As your hand approaches a hot stove, you can feel the heat; so you are forewarned that if you touch it you will get burnt.

Implication for leadership practice: People must know in advance what [boundaries] are expected. [Arguing] about them, and any disciplinary measures that result, will be ineffective and dysfunctional if they appear to have been conjured up out of thin air. A clear link needs to be made to [expectations] and prior warning given that certain actions will be applied if certain conditions either are or are not met.

* Consistency

Characteristic: Whenever you touch a hot stove, it always burns you; it doesn’t burn you at some times and not others.

Implication for leadership practice: For [boundary] conversations and any resulting actions to be effective, these must take place in a consistent fashion, not in an ad hoc way. If [lines are crossed] and/or behavioral issues elicit a response from [you] on some occasions and not on others, this disconnect between words and actions will simply compound the problem.

* Impartiality

Characteristic: Whoever touches the stove will be burnt. It is the act of touching the stove that leads to the painful effect, not some characteristic of the person; and it doesn’t burn some people and not others.

Implication for leadership practice: Effective and felt-fair [limits/expectations] focus on the act, not the individual. These are also carried out in an impartial way, not based upon personality or [relationship]. [Parenting], including any disciplinary action, will be ineffective if it appears to be based upon ‘one rule for some and another rule for others’ -

The above guiding principles help to put "discipline" and [parenting] in their proper places - both aspects of ongoing, day-to-day leadership practice. Discipline and [behavior] will never improve if [consequential] action is limited to periodic set-piece [discussions and arguements].

Passing it Forward...

2009-07-08T22:35:00.009-05:00

Things are relatively calm here. Well, no addict drama anyway - still no call from daughter - I did get notified by vines that she has an upcoming jury trial for her possession charge. I've said it before, but again, it is so surreal that I am praying for her to return to jail.

Other than that, we live life, and it's a good one. The best nanny in the world is on vacation, and we miss her terribly! Had "Camp Grammy" last week with my 3 other grandsons and their mom, my oldest daughter. Fun, chaotic, exhausting... Life. It also helps to have such a wonderful, supportive husband to laugh about it with. That's him, welcoming Baby to this life almost a year ago. The foundation is unsinkable. Life. Love. Clarity.

Baby will be 1 year old on the 24th - incredible journey, this past year - and the comments and prayers and positive thoughts did, do, and will always be such a gift. I find my self thinking of you all often. I may not comment regularly, but I'm here, and following, and in awe of you all.

On that note, I'd like to share to those who haven't seen it, a fellow parents' recent post:

CAUTION: Truths Ahead (enter at own risk)

Baby Steps

2009-06-30T09:24:00.005-05:00

Baby is walking ! :-)

I have still not had a call or letter from his mom, my daughter, since she got out of Jail in May...

I saw her ONCE - when we went to meet the "boyfriend's" parents to exchange Baby for their visit - 3 weeks after she was released from jail... She was with them! It made me physically ill to see her, with them - she did not look healthy. I really had nothing to say to her - especially not in front of them... For days I felt so insulted, and viewed it as calculating on all of their parts to hurt me - but I have come to believe that the truth is, in this case, they simply do not think about me or my husband, or really anyone but their Big Addicted Baby.

The other Grandfather made a very suprising gesture last week - He had 5 cans of baby formula that *we* pay $25 a can for... asked if we could use them. NEVER have they offered to help with diapers, formula, etc... We said "Sure" and "Thank you!" and asked how he came about this windfall. The answer? "Well, we get it through medicaid, and it's about to expire - He's almost a year old now"

SO TYPICAL. How thoughtful of them. I forgot they lied from day one and said he lived with them. Nice.

Alas - Life goes on.

I found this recently - Heroin Alert - Erin's Story

Did I mention that I HATE HEROIN?

Goodnight Moon

2009-05-25T22:31:00.004-05:00

Baby is back here with us...

Did I over-react? No. His parents are addicts and the other grandparents do not know how to say no to them, but will go to great lengths to cover up.

Not sure what happened, except they bailed my daughter out so she could be with their son - we were scheduled to pick the baby up tonight at 7:30pm - The other grandmother called about 11 am to ask if we could meet their daughter at 12:30pm to get the baby - supposedly grandpa wasn't feeling well. Maybe they realized they'd been conned - I don't know. My daughter hasn't called me, still. Which is fine. Her actions speak pretty clearly. She was straight, in jail anyway, and still manipulating anyone who will let her.

Fractal mom is right... what I want for my daughter and what I can actually do for my daughter right now don't seem to have much in common, except where not "playing" the game, not "saving" her, not enabling her, and keeping Baby safe are the right things to do.

As the World Turns and Stars Align...

2009-05-24T18:49:00.002-05:00

I feel quite nauseous.

I knew "boyfriend" got released from jail last week... and just got notice from Vines Link that my daughter got bailed out today. The baby is at the other grandparent's house, in the county where they both are, together... "Boyfriend" was spotted there the other day.

Pretty sure they, the other grandparents, bailed her out. No one else is that careless, or can afford it.

I just feel sick. She's not ready. I hate them.

I Think This Just About Covers Us Moms...

2009-05-07T02:21:00.008-05:00

I'm not sure who the Author of this is... But I bet it was a Mom...

Happy Mothers Day My Friends

Mothers

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, 'It's okay honey, Mommy's here.'

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies .

And all the mothers who DON'T.

This for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars.

And that when their kids asked, 'Did you see me, Mom?' they could say, 'Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world,' and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice-cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how frustration happens.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat.

For all the mothers who read 'Goodnight, Moon' twice a night for a year...And then read it again. 'Just one more time.'

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls 'Mom?' in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home ~ or even away at college ~or have their own families ~ or....

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting.

For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good Mother anyway?

Is it patience?

Compassion?

Broad hips?

The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time?

Or is it in her heart?

Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?

The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?

The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?

Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And mature mothers learning to let go.

For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.

Single mothers and married mothers.

Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for you all. For all of us...

Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them everyday that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mom...

'Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall.'

A brief glimpse - a flashback - a question

2009-04-25T14:13:00.008-05:00

Today it seems important to share this. My daughter long has had a phrase she felt was important: "If Not Now, When?" - We've talked about it recently, she's reminding herself. It's been SUCH a long journey, and she has left so many people hurting in her wake - but no one more so than herself. I just had to write to her in jail that her grandmother passed away on Thursday. They were so close - except my daughter hasn't seen her in 2 years. I think she thought, if she thought at all, that she would always be there, waiting.

In her last letter, my daughter asked me to tell her grandmother that she loved her and was sorry that she let her down and hasn't been there for her. I believe her grandmother heard those words the day before she passed away, as I read them to her.

Anyway - This is from my daughter's blog - in September of 2007. I wish I could share it with HER right now - and remind her once more... If not now, when?

The video is a compilation of her and family and friends, set to two of her favorite songs... she's the little one with long dark hair, blue bandana, sweet smile & cocky attitude. My baby. The video won't stay up long - just a glimpse of real people, her life.

Below it is a blog she posted 4-5 months after we found out about the heroin in 2007... a year before her son was born to addicted parents

Saturday, Sept 1, 2007

Uhhh...Finally, I am able to write a new blog. I now live in East Texas (-------), for anyone who didn't know. I live with _______. They have a computer but just logging in takes like a million years! So trying to write a blog is like trying to chisel words in stone.

So, life has been a little crazy since my last blog. I moved in with my dad in November and started school back where i started kindergarten. It was ok, I still had alot of friends and I made new ones of course. My dad bought me a cell phone, which I hadn't had one in God knows how long. Then in Febuary I got a car, but my dad and I were sharing it (98 Honda Civic). I finally broke up with the idiot i wasted 11 months on...-----. Almost right after I broke it off with him I met the love of my life, --. He is my sister's best friend's older brother. We hung out for awhile and had alot of fun, we found out we had alot in common also, we quickly fell in love. Things were going very good for me. I got a job working at a mexican food restaurant. My dad found a new car for him so he gave me the civic for my own.

I spent alot of my spare time with --. I would occasionally spend the night with him also. I was really looking forward to Summer. While all this magical, wonderful stuff was happening in my life, I was slowly becoming something I promised myself I would never become....an addict. I won't go into detail about what it was or what it did to me, I will write briefly about that later. -- and I were living the good life and it couldn't seem to get any better. I started to steal stuff though to support my addiction ( as I write this I don't want to brag or shock anyone who reads it, I just want it on here, for me to refer to later in life).

The first weekend of Summer became the rockslide of a very difficult time in my life. -- and I were on our way to Dallas to re-up on our addiction. The whole day started out wrong. We pumped gas without paying and headed for Dallas. When we got there we started our rounds of stores to hit up for stolen items that we could sell or take to the scrap yard. I had had a bad feeling about it all day, but like usually I paid no attention to my conscience.

We were in one store, and finished stealing what we needed and we were headed for the door when 3 undercover cops grabbed us and took us to the back of the store, where we were the wait for the cop and his car to come pick us up. We were taken to ---- Jail, and put into cells. I have been arrested before but never tried as an adult. (It amazes me that you cannot go to a hospital at 17 without a parent but, you can be tried as an adult in jail at 17) I spent the night there, the next morning all the women, including me saw a judge who set our bail. Mine was $500. Later that day we were transfered to Lou Sterrett (Dallas County Jail).

I was not in very good shape by then, I was physically sick from my addiction not satisfied. And one beautiful thing about jail is that no one, and I mean no one cares about what you feel like or what you're going through. After the nurses ask you a bunch of questions then you go to shake down were the cops make sure you aren't hiding anything. I will spare you the details of that experience. Next, you are sat in a chair in a row with five other rows in front of you, you get to stare at a brick wall with 4 telephones, until it is time to go to court. I was very sick, I vomited several times in a 15 minute period. You are not allowed to put your feet in the chair or lay down in the chair next to you. You must raise your hand to ask to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water or to use the phone. I was brought to Lou Sterrett at 8:30 p.m. at around midnight, the officers saw how sick I was and allowed me to go into a single man cell, which is a large room with concrete floors and benches but, it was great to be able to lay down.

At 2 in the morning I was called out to go to court. This process took about an hour. It just reminded you what your bond was and that you were to be placed in population if you didn't have the money right then. After court, they would not allow me to go back to the single man cell, so I went back the the row of chairs. I was so tired that I laid down anyway in the seat next to me. The female cop told me to sit up and I did, but 5 minutes later I laid back down. She came over to me and dumped me out of the chair. This process was repeated several times until she took me into one of the back rooms and roughed me up a little bit, when I returned to my seat, I didn't lay back down.

At close to 5 in the morning all the women including me sitting in the chairs where lined up and taken to the 2nd floor where we were placed in a holding tank. There were 25 female, me being the youngest in there to one holding tank with a toilet in the corner (no door or privacy). In Lou Sterrett, the temperature is about 65 degrees. Between the 25 women there were only 4 blankets. I was very sick so I laid next to a older woman with a blanket and asked to share, thank God she did. I couldn't sleep, I was still very sick and went to the bathroom several times an hour, which really upset the other women, all they could do was talk mad shit about me but, in my state I didn't even care. We were in the holding tank for around 10 hours when finally two trustees were sent in with sandwiches and cups of cheap kool-aid. Everything I tried to eat I almost immediately threw back up. The other ladies were getting very tired of me.

About an hour later, one of the women was talking to me asking me what I did and why I was sick. I could barely talk but, it helped take my mind off the way that I felt. Her and some other ladies finally had an idea to get me out of the holding tank quicker and into population. They told me to fake pass out and they would call the guards. The guards came in and picked me up and moved me to a smaller cell, where another cop came and got me and transferred me to the West Tower and into the Infirmary.

The Infirmary was Heaven compared to the holding cell. I had a bed and good food (even though I couldn't keep it down), windows, t.v. , and a bathtub that we could use whenever. I spent 3 more days in the Infirmary, where I slowly regained some of my strength and was able to keep small portions of food down. At 4 am Saturday morning, the cops woke me up and told me I was being released.

I had no idea what I was going to do once I got out, but I was determinend to find a phone and call for a ride. As I was walking outside, I saw my mom and a good friend of the family waiting for me. My court appointed attorney had given them a heads up at what time I was to be released. They brought me back to my mom's house and explained what was going to happen. My dad took the car and the phone away from me, he didn't want me living with him anymore. I don't blame him, he told me when I moved in that I had two very simple rules to follow. Don't get into trouble and stay in school. My mom couldn't afford to let me move back in with her unless I was willing to go to rehab and not see --. I don't blame her either she had had enough of my bullshit. ___ (the friend of the family) was the only one willing to help me. He would take me in and make sure I had everything I needed, but my life would become very difficult, like bootcamp. That was one of two choices. That or call -- and let him come get me from my mom's and take care of me. I chose --.

Now I'm going to cut the story short. -- and I ended up homeless in Pleasant Grove for 3 very long weeks. When -- went back to jail. I moved out to his sisters, where I am currently.

I have gotten my life back together and patched things up with both my parents. It's about time I grew up and started taking responsibility for my own actions. I am still in school and -- has steady work. I just got the car back from my dad yesterday, and I will be moving in with -- in the next couple of weeks. I was very angry at myself for what I let happen to me but, I was even more hurt and angry at my parents for not being "understanding". I know now that they did the only thing they could to finally get me to see what was really happening to my life and that I was the only cause for it. I appreciate my parents for being strong and for actually never leaving my side. I felt as if they had abandoned me and I was hurt. But, I was the one who abanded them and myself.

I wrote this so people I know will understand what I have been through. I'm sure some people aren't going to like that I shared this with the whole world but, I did it as a release to what I was holding onto....and to appologize to all those who tried to help me when I needed it the most but refused.

And even though some don't believe we should be together, -- and I have saved each other form our own addiction. We make each other stronger without the addiction. I LOVE YOU, --!

You've got a friend

2009-04-18T14:20:00.006-05:00

Well, my daughter was moved to the county jail in the county where she was recently indicted for her heroin possession charge - I must admit to a feeling of panic when I was alerted to by the VINES network that her custody status had changed and that she had been released from jail - it was a few hours before I got notice that she was then in custody at the other county jail. "Boyfriend" did not get released.

I don't know really know what to expect, as far as her felony possession charge - It is a pretty serious offense. She wrote to me again right after she was transferred and said she does plan on talking to her new defender and the judge about rehab - actually I got three letters at once and a poem she had written for my upcoming birthday next week - the last time we spoke on the phone and the resulting letter I sent her again seemed to have struck a nerve (I wrote about my frustration in my previous post) - and she had written me to apologize and try to explain better what she meant.

At times she seems so much like the child who was so close to me - I then wrote her a much more thoughtful and encouraging letter... and on the day I mailed it is when I was notified she was transferred - Wow, the letters I write are all hand-written - no copies - and I had spent so much time on that one. LOL. I sure do take a lot of "instant communications" for granted! Anyway. The letter was finally returned to me, so I mailed it off with another letter I wrote to her. I do love her, and cherish this time we have to exchange thoughts via letter. We can't interrupt each other, we can reread - and we can't really fire-off a rapid response that maybe wasn't well thought out, such as happens with email.

She asked me to send the "Rescue This Child" prayer, as the move was so sudden she had left it taped to the wall by her bunk. I think I like the idea of that being there, hopefully it will stay up, for other "lost children" to find. I sent her another.

Baby is doing great - just finished a course of antibiotics in time to send him off for a visit with the other grandparents. It seems he always comes back sick, because he goes to daycare on the weekdays they have him... the doctor told me that is normal, and actually as he get's older he'll have an advantage over children who start kindergarden having never been exposed to all of the bugs that the kids pass around.

It sure is quiet here. I had 22 performance reviews to do for my staff the past 2 weeks- all I can say is: Yuck! They all deserve my careful thought and consideration, and they got that - but 22 due at once, I'm not sure what the company is thinking there. Mentally exhausting. Glad they are done.

Proud granny that I am - here's video from 3-24... crawling - it only took him a week to get steady and really cruise! My oldest daughter was over to play with Baby and used her treo to take video :-)

and - I like this... reminds me of blogger friends here:

Yeah. Right.

2009-04-05T15:57:00.007-05:00

Today, I just think it's all still BS - MAYBE she was sincere in her last letter, or maybe she is still just manipulating me. Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely. "Little things" mean a lot in this drama, and are very revealing.

Recently the other grandparents told us we need to change the baby's name on his pediatrician records. TOLD us - nothing subtle or diplomatic about them... we on the other hand try to be reasonable and keep our exchanges with them civil... Anyway, to go back in time a bit: when baby was born, "boyfriend" wasn't there because he got arrested that day. He didn't sign the birth certificate, although he was released from jail later the night the baby was born and camped out at hospital til baby was discharged... He DID NOT WANT his name on there because of CPS records concerning his other children.

Medical records, since day one, have had my daughter's last name as Baby's last name. After a few weeks (& after CPS became involved anyway) a birth certificate name change was filed, so that "boyfriend's" last name replaced my daughter's. Fine. By then the baby was already on my insurance and so at the pediatrician's office we added "boyfriend's" last name, hyphenated to his chart.

I asked my daughter about legally changing the baby's name to include her name, you know, hyphenated. This was in a letter I wrote to her last week. She called last night to tell me that she expected to be released soon from the county jail she is in now... she went with getting felony theft charge dropped and time-served, counter to what she had written... and "boyfriend" went for the same thing. As for the name issue, she told me she "didn't want to make any decisions in jail" - What? "Mom, I just don't want to make any decisions like this now..." What? "Mom! He's his father, they feel strongly about this, it's tradition..."

OMG.
See - she's thinking she's about to get out. It's all about the "boyfriend" once again. She thinks I'm upset about the name. True, I was dismayed about that - I really did not expect her to say no... But what the baby's name is isn't as important as WHY... Why is because she doesn't want to hurt him and his family, doesn't want to go against something THEY feel so strongly about. Because he is the father of her child and she plans on being with him when she gets out of jail. This is not a good sign.

Where, in their traditional family values and mores is it ok that their 26 year old son impregnated a 17 year old girl while they were both addicted to heroin... While he is still married to a woman he has fathered three other children with? Three other children he has had his parental rights to terminated, because heroin was more important? This family that knew they were doing heroin while she was pregnant and made no efforts to intervene - in fact covered and lied for them.

Great. Just great. A little later I learned that the OTHER County, last week, returned a grand jury indictment against her for her heroin possession charge - you know, the arrest when she was 5 months pregnant, holding for him when they got pulled over on a traffic stop. Nice. He gets out soon. She gets transferred to another county and will likely be looking at 1-2 years additional jail time - if she's lucky.

I will continue to protect this baby. My daughter and her boyfriend's feelings be damned. (Baby is crawling now - all over the place... he's safe, Thank God... although it is very worrisome to me that "boyfriend" will soon be out of jail, and I can only pray that the other grandparents will make sure his contact, when they have Baby on visitations, is supervised)

PS - I am reading a book - devouring it actually - that I highly recommend: "Come Back: A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through Hell and Back (P.S.)" by Clair and Mia Fontaine. It's the Mother-Daughter equivelant of "Beautiful Boy"

Patty-Cake on Glass

2009-03-21T13:33:00.011-05:00

Last Saturday, I did take the baby to visit with my daughter, his mother, in jail... And, I believe it was the right thing to do, for the right reasons...

It was surreal, with the glass partition and trying to hold the phone to his ear ... and making sure he didn't get it in his mouth or touch anything! LOL... (She is a trustee and cleans the lobby and visitation area, and told me she went xtra heavy on the Lysol in case I brought Baby.) He sat in front of his mom and smiled the winning smile - they played peek-a-boo, they made each other laugh - they made me laugh, too. She looked healthy for the first time in a long time... every time she put her hand up on the glass, he put his up to "touch" it. She got teary a few times, but said she had resolved not to cry because she didn't want to "scare" him... It was a nice visit. She was my daughter, not the hollow shell I've grown to dread seeing. And, she saw, really SAW him - for the first time without heroin clouding her vision. She has court next week on her possession charge, and it is actually the same judge who handled the custody case - this is what she wrote to me after the visit:

"I'm so happy I got to see you and [Baby], thank you so much. The guard on shift... told me when you were leaving that my son is gorgeous. All the officers I work w/ here were very happy I got to see him. That night when I was cleaning the lobby and visit area I showed the woman and officer I work with his hand print on the glass. lol! I got a little sad when I came back, but I just read your poem and I was ok...

I thought about what you said about rehab and I'm gonna ask Judge ---- if she will court appoint me to one. That really is the best thing for me. I thought maybe I should just do time or probabtion but, just leaving here the way I came in doesn't look promising, I can't lie to myself anymore. I still want heroin on a daily basis. I need help learning how to live w/ that. Also, if I did take probation I'm not sure that would work. I don't have a car or a job -I need my diloma or GED and I can't expect anyone to bend over backwards even more, so that I can pay my PO and get to and from the office. It's my responsibility. The only downside to rehab (Besides not going straight home, lol) is that I will have to stay in jail most likely until a bed is available. I will admit I am not very fond of going to rehab but, I need it for myself, my family, and my son. I need to prove to myself to my famiily also, I know it will be very hard for anyone to trust me w/out outside help w/ my addiction. I really don't want to use anymore but, I don't know how to fight it alone. ... Oh yeah, I accidently broke a picture of the old jail in the lobby! Oops! I knocked it off the wall with my broomstick. I miss you, I miss [Baby]... He took my breath away. That's the only reason I have to go to rehab. But after I'm there I'll know I did it for myself too."

Hope Springs Eternal. I am not a religious person in the way I see a lot of my fellows here are, I am also not an "Al-anon person" .... but I do believe that the world would be a mighty frightening place without faith in a higher power. The poem my daughter referred to isn't something I wrote, it's more of a prayer that I ran across a few years ago - in one of my last letters I wrote it out for her, and it seems to have struck a chord and she refers to it often:

Rescue This Child - by Marjorie Holmes

Oh, God, please help my child. She has no direction, no goal. She's wandered away from so much that she used to be, or that you, her creator, would have her be.

And I am not only worried sick about this, God, I feel guilty. I search my own behavior asking, "Why? Why? What have we done to bring this about? Where have we, her family, failed? That she, with all her goodness and beauty, her brains, her tremendous potential, should be so lost. Right now it's as if she's nobody going nowhere, at a time when the rest of the world is on its way.

Dear God, please find and restore my wandering child. Arouse in her a sense of purpose, steady her, set her upon her rightful path, and walk with her.

We who love her can't do it. Only you who love her even more can do it.

I offer her to you now, whole and beautiful and filled with promise, the way you sent her to us.

The Nanny Chronicle

2009-03-07T13:02:00.006-06:00

Well, I had to let another "Nanny" go... So I had some help at work last week, ha ha. Since I work from home, we really want to be able to keep Baby at home - we have tried live-in and live out arrangements, both. Main problem is what we can afford versus what the "rich" people can afford - Some nannies want as much as I earn! Not that I don't think childcare providers and educators shouldn't be one of the higher paid professions, or that my job is more important than a caregiver's - no, no... Just, if we could afford that, we wouldn't need the help, Alas. When my children were babies I was fortunate to be a full time mom - my rule was no day care until they were old enough to tell me about their day... I don't know how to make a new rule for this child.

Among things I had no knowledge of this time last year is RAD - "Reactive Attachment Disorder" - something of a concern with heroin babies... and we are very careful that the baby isn't affected - He is healthy and happy and secure, and we plan on keeping him that way.

There are times I feel so sad that we have this "Nursery" with a bed, desk, hi-speed internet and a warm family to share with a live-in caregiver of this child - No housework, not 3-5 children - No weekends or evenings (He sleeps with us)... 15-20 hours a week, mostly in the afternoon. Monthly Salary. Perfect for a college student. PERFECT for my daughter, his mother, if only... the "nursery" is the room that used to be hers... and that we lovingly redecorated up in hopes that she would be coming home with her child last summer.

Anyway - will keep doing our best - what else can we do? (My husband got a raise yesterday - WOOT!)

The letters between my daughter and I continue, and I am guardedly optimistic that she is "hearing" me and others who care about her right now... she's a "captive audience." She's clean, she's not with the "boyfriend", she is a "trustee" and able to make occasional phone calls. She's sad and homesick and thinking a lot about her child and is ashamed that she doesn't know him.

I have followed other parents' blogs who have children who are just now getting out of jail - I realize that this relative peace within me right now is because she's locked up, I know where she is, I am not dreading late phone calls or wondering if she is alive or dead. Evntually she will get out, and have choices to make... and the irony is, the "right" choices also mean a lot of hard work for her. I wish I was confident that she'll at least try. I do not do jail - I don't bail her out and I do not visit... and I swore I would never take the baby to visit in jail... but now I am thinking maybe I should - just once - she has never seen him while her head was clear. I think maybe this is an opportunity I don't want to miss - let her see this sweet, happy, adorable child - and then after we leave, that much more for her to think about - the reality.

I can send her spritual and educational books straight from Amazon- any suggestions? I sent a Chicken Soup For The Unsinkable Soul book - and they wouldn't let her have it.

Ahh - the letter Game - I forgot! Annette played and offered anyone interested, a letter. I took her up on it and my letter is D. If anyone else would like to play let me know and I will pass a letter your way ... Here goes:

Daughter - I am one, I have 4... the one who is subject of this blog, my baby, 19 years old, beautiful, intelligent, funny and for the past 2 years, lost - and my oldest daughter, who is one of my big delights and supports, and mother herself to 3 boys, she is 26 - then I have the honor of being "step-mom" to 2 delightful and beautiful young women, 18 & 21 who are daughters of my heart and make me proud... "A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart." ~Author Unknown

Dependent - To my life right now, the irony of this word is mind-boggling

relying on or requiring a person or thing for support, supply, or what is needed; "dependent children"; "dependent on moisture"
contingent on something else
(of a clause) unable to stand alone syntactically as a complete sentence; "a subordinate (or dependent) clause functions as a noun or adjective or adverb within a sentence"
pendent: held from above; "a pendant bunch of grapes"
subject: being under the power or sovereignty of another or others; "subject peoples"; "a dependent prince"
dependant: a person who relies on another person for support (especially financial support)
addicted to a drug

Do Unto Others - The Golden Rule is a principle I try to live daily

Diapers - Ha ha - they are so cool now! Disposable, velcro like tabs, soft... a far cry from what was available 20 years ago!

Decisions - Every day we come to proverbial forks in the road, and make choices... little or big, the impact of our decisions can be huge... the path taken may eventually lead to the same point, but it is often an act of faith when we start down it. Keep moving forward, and be prepared for detours, another fork ahead

Blog Love

2009-02-20T13:44:00.012-06:00

Several updates -

My daughter's letters came to an abrupt halt after I wrote and expressed my concerns about her requests for money, etc (see last post)... She called a few days ago, and told me she was now a trustee and is keeping busy doing laundry, cleaning, etc... again, I don't know much about County Jails, but she seemed happy. She said my latest letter really got to her... yesterday I got another letter reiterating what she told me, and it was a much easier letter to digest than those she has sent before... She seems to be thinking about things as she should - admits she is ashamed of how she has been and what she has done - that when on Heroin she just didn't care... Hope this thought process and communication continues.

The babe is doing fine - the visits with his other grandparents have resumed - I miss him and worry about him when he is not here. Since he goes to a day care when he is with them, he often comes back with colds and such... It just seems unfair to him, but, what can I do? He is getting older and there is more and more of an adjustment needed when he comes home. He will be 7 Months old soon. I do have a short video of him laughing that I'll post when I can figure out how - he thinks it's hilarious when someone sneezes - and can play peek-a-boo for HOURS - lol

Annette honored me with a "Blog Love Award":

Thank you! The rules are that I now bestow the award on fellow bloggers that I admire - so many to choose from! And, of course, all that Annette has already awarded I agree with - So, here goes:

Here are the rules:

* When you receive the Blog Love Award, you should place the logo on your blog proudly!
* Link to the blogger that awarded you the love.
* Nominate your friends and bloggers you read regularly, as many as you like.
* Finally, let them know you’ve nominated them to receive the award...

Oh boy - Too many to list! I will leave some for my "Nominees" to "award"...

Never forget that our words and thoughts and angst are a valuable out reach to others - when I look at some of the google results that lead to my blog, I am reminded so much of MY OWN desperate search for info before I came across our wonderful group of parents of addicts bloggers...

Yesterday I got a message from another mom who found my blog, and links from mine to others - I encourage her to start her own blog, and I hope she will... and so I am "pre-awarding" her a Blog Love Award Also:

"Hi Athena, I am sorry I didn't see this message sooner. I am new to this website and I don't know where everything is. I went to your Blogspot. You are amazing!! I cried reading your stories about your daughter. I am trying my hardest to keep my chin up but it sure is hard. I lost my dad on 12/31/08 after many many years of suffering from COPD. He lived next door to me with my mom. He had Hospice since October. It took a great deal out of me as I was over there all the time helping my mom. On 2/4/09 I learned of my sons recent relapse with heroin. On 2/6/09, my father-in-law passed away from a heart attack as I sat in a doctors office with about 10 junkies while trying to help my son. This is his 3rd relapse and his last chance with me. I love him so much but I can't take it again. He knows this is his last chance. The next time he is out of the house, which sickens me to death to think about. I know I have to be tough, but it just breaks my heart. My husband won't deal with it anymore. He is totally fed up. I am looking for a local support group as I need help in dealing with this. Thank you for leading me to another website where I don't feel so all alone. I will be in touch again soon.... Sinaj"

Also, Annette, Bless her heart - played the letter game and offered anyone interested, a letter. I took her up on it and my letter is D. If anyone else would like to play let me know and I will pass a letter your way. "D" - That will be my next post :-)

If you get a chance - check out this video - I think it's lovely:

Greetings... sigh

2009-02-10T18:30:00.006-06:00

Well, Husband and I went shopping for Valentine's day cards and candy for the kids and grandkids - the only one I had trouble finding a card for was my addicted daughter, who is now in jail...

We joked about the need for greeting cards for inmates - and of course later when I googled it, there it is - www.threesquaresgreetings.com... this picture is from one, under the "tough love" category. There was another that I related to:

No More Promises -

"Outside Message: No More Promises...
Inside Message: When you called recently, I wasn’t very sympathetic. I guess I’ve heard your promises to change too many times. Please - stop promising to change and just do it."
Yep.

I guess there is a whole sub-culture surrounding inmates and prisons - who knew? My daughter's recent letters are starting to really get to me - I put $50 on "her books" (there is also a set of 6 greeting cards for "I put money on your books") 2 1/2 weeks ago - last week she wrote and sent me copy of her comissary receipt and a blank order form so I'd know what she spent money on and what things cost. First thing I notice? Her prev balance was $60... so, someone else is putting money on her books??
I hate being ignorant, but I don't apologize for not having a clear understanding of what it's like in jail... I hate even more being taken advantage of, and I feel that she is still manipulating me - still scamming me for money... Every other paragraph was how she needed money on her books, "please send $75- $80 every two weeks and any extra" - Wait... What? (Borrowed from fellow blogger)
SHE is supposed to send me $150 a month for child support... you know?
She also asked me to send her song lyrics - Eminem "Criminal", 50 Cent, and some country love songs... - She ALSO mentioned that "boyfriend's mom" is helping her get letters to him - in the same county jail... So, how do I know some of that money isn't getting on his books somehow? She told me in her first letter she shaved her head - "A buzz cut with a mohawk" - but now she says she needs to buy conditioner every two weeks... she says she needs money on her books because a Dr is giving her anti-anxiety medicine.. she wants to buy underweare and a bra that fits ($4 each) - yet the receipt she sent shows $60 spent on primarily honey buns, coffee, cheetos...
I sent a valentine's day card to her from the baby - I also sent another $50 MO... and a strongly worded letter explaining what my concerns are, that she needs to budget just like I do, and reiterating that I would love to have a thought exchange of where she wants to go with her life, what her positive plans are for when she gets out, etc... But as it stands, it looks like same old stuff - she's glorifying the life she has led for 2 years, and I don't see anything that even remotely comes close to enlightenment or a desire to change.
I am Mad/Sad/... frustrated. For 2 years I have given her the advice she needed not to end up here... She had it all available, but she didn't want to be "confined" by my rules. THIS isn't my fault -

Wings of An Angel ~ A lucid interlude

2009-02-06T02:37:00.003-06:00

So much of my time these days is consumed with work... and so much each day gets left undone...

And then precious "extra time" is often spent zoning, blogging about my daughter, thinking, thinking...

So much time that an addicted child consumes, even when all precautions are taken.

I wanted to take this brief space and time to say thank you to my husband - He understands the unfathomable, always takes time to listen, and keeps me and this home running so smoothly.... And you should see him soothing a baby, mediating disputes with the young adults in the house and helping with last minute high school projects - often within minutes of coming home from a long commute from his hectic and stressful fast paced office. In this way, my life is so fair.

Thank your support team, whomever they are ...

Safe Behind bars

2009-01-31T22:30:00.003-06:00

I was struck by the parallel life parents and child are living...

When needed, all are safely behind bars...

Totally dependent on their caretakers...

I will say, this little guy is right on track - sitting up on his own! Belly laughing at the cat and silly faces, moving forward on all fronts, in a positive direction... and, spends very little time in his crib :-) 6 months old!

And now my daughter is writing me 3-4 times a week, and each letter seems clearer.

Hope springs eternal

Definition of "Insanity?"

2009-01-20T14:09:00.003-06:00

Well - you know the last Blog - Daughter arrested 1/7 - got out on 1/13 - ANOTHER PR Bond... amazing. Apparently the public defender did advise her, but of course I only have my daughter's version to go by... Judge released her on PR bond with condition that she return for a drug test tomorrow...

Geez - Guess what? Last night, I get a call... She was arrested AGAIN, this time "boyfriend" was arrested, too. Same thing, different store, different county... additional charge of "tampering with ID", whatever that means. She says they made a mistake, of course.

I don't think it's going to be a revolving door this time... but, who knows

Incognito

2009-01-12T14:08:00.006-06:00

Not really - I just thought this was a fun picture... He's an adorable baby - so happy and sweet and blissfully unaware of any drama concerning him. Thankfully.

And, there really has been little drama, except the normal craziness of raising a 6 month old while also trying to work, etc... My husband and I both started new jobs in August, shortly after bringing Baby home. Last month we both got big validations - I was promoted to supervisor, and Husband got a HUGE bonus. It is so ironic that we have accomplished these things despite a custody case and a new babe in the house - makes us just a little unsympathetic to the complete apathy of this precious babe's parents, you know?

I got several cryptic phone calls this weekend - My daughter is back in jail. She was apparently arrested on the 7th for shoplifting - from the brief 60 sec "freebie" conversation I had with her Saturday, "boyfriend" was supposed to be "getting her out" - I guess she only called me because that hasn't happened yet. BIG Surprise.

There is apparently a service where I can put money on an account so that she can call me collect - I did it once, a loooong time ago - apparently that has been depleted on her other jail visits - and I'm not doing it again. $50 minimum. It is quite amazing how creative and resourceful she can be - she has a system where she calls me collect, and instead of saying her name, she says "Call "boyfriend" and tell him where I am", or something like that...
I was slow to catch on - apparently I was supposed to answer calls from this number with a quick message for her, instead of answering with "Hello?" - the last collect call on Saturday night I had a "collect call from 'MOM! Say yes or no! I'll call you back in 30 minutes'" - Sigh. She never called back, and it's too bad, cause I finally understood, and would have liked to have answered with "Of course I haven't heard from him" -

It is mind-boggling how resourceful they can be to ensure that they can have heroin, or to get out of jail - and I have no doubt she'll get herself out, like all of the other times. And I'm sure that shoplifting is how she shops - I bet she's good at it - only this time she got caught. She said she got caught stealing makeup cause she felt bad she couldn't afford to get her sister a birthday present... This is the list I found on the police report:

1 S $24.98 XBOX 360 GAME
1 R $24.98 XBOX 360 GAME
3 S $44.97 NINTENDO WII GAMES
3 R $44.97 NINTENDO WII GAMES
1 S $5.19 EYE PEN
1 R $5.19 EYE PEN
1 S $5.99 MAYBELLINE EYELINER
1 S $24.98 XBOX 360 GAME
1 R $24.98 XBOX 360 GAME
3 S $44.97 NINTENDO WII GAMES
3 R $44.97 NINTENDO WII GAMES
1 S $5.19 PHYFM EYEPEN
1 R $5.19 PHYFM EYEPEN
1 S $5.99 MAYBELINE EYELINER
1 R $5.99 MAYBELINE EYELINER
1 S $7.99 MAYBELINE LIPGLOSS
1 R $7.99 MAYBELINE LIPGLOSS
1 S $4.69 MAYBELINE EYESHADOW
1 R $4.69 MAYBELINE EYESHADOW
1 R $5.99 MAYBELLINE EYELINER
1 S $4.69 MAYBELLINE EYESHADOW
1 R $4.69 MAYBELLINE EYESHADOW
1 S $7.99 MAYBELLINE LIPGLOSS
1 R $7.99 MAYBELLINE LIPGLOSS

It makes me sad, the partial truth of this. What her big sister wants more than anything in the world is for her to NOT STEAL, to go to rehab, to at least try. Here's an irrational emotion: I'm kind of mad that there was no baby formula, or baby clothes, etc on this list. She didn't even send him a card for Christmas. But one of the things she said over and over when I saw her in November was "No one can love & care for my son as much as I do"

My daughter's public defender called me this morning - I understand that my daughter has a right to legal counsel, but the revolving door is so frustrating. The attorney wanted confirmation that she lives with me and is trying to get back into school, etc... total BS, and I told her so - I told her the truth. I also told her of the felony heroin possession charge still pending in another county and asked if she could ask the judge to order rehab. The attorney was dismayed, but made it clear she would not be bringing this stuff up because her job is to "help" my daughter. She said I was free to come to court in the morning and tell the judge the truth and that she needed court appointed re-hab... But I AM NOT free to do that. I have a job and a 5 month old to take care of.

Very Very frustrating.

The "boyfriend's" father had a heart attack weekend after Christmas, when the baby was out of town with them for a weekend visit. We went and got the baby at the hospital of course... They ended up doing open heart surgery and he is slowly recovering from that now. NO ONE has seen daughter and "boyfriend" since before Thanksgiving. Well, she came over the night of the heart attack to get a $100 visa gift card out of her Christmas stocking so that she and boyfriend could go to see his father. They never made it to the hospital.

Well - there's the update. The random interruptions of a heroin addict into the lives of those that love them.

On This Night, Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T23:33:00.005-06:00

One Christmas, years ago when my youngest daughter was 4 and my two oldest children were in Jr High and High school, it was the end of a very rough year... but I still wanted Christmas to be special, so I loaded up all of the presents I had bought, hid them under a blanket, and the kids and I drove to my sister's house in San Antonio...

That Christmas Eve I was soooo tired and not much in the spirit of Christmas, but of course my littlest one was very excited about Santa's coming visit... ANYWAY - it was getting late so I took her and her 6 year old cousin to bed and read them stories to help them settle down - it wasn't too hard - they were excited, but of course they HAD to go to sleep so Santa would come... and, the next thing I know... The little one is whispering in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! Santa Came!!"

OMG... I had fallen asleep with the girls - I got up slowly, and stalled the best I could, and was still trying to think of a plausible excuse why "Santa" hadn't actually come yet as we padded down the hallway to the living room...

Well - He DID come... My two older children, knowing how tired I was, had decided to let me sleep. When the coast was clear they had gone out to the car & gotten all of the gifts I had been very careful that NO ONE knew about out of the car - and arranged everything so perfectly around the tree, just like I would have done - had meant to do... even their own unwrapped gifts.

That was the year that Santa Really DID Come...

On this special night, I hope your life is touched in some special way... Somehow, another year has passed, and I am amazed at all of the things that are possible - You just can't ever give up, ever. Keep moving forward...

Merry Christmas to all...

I am touched -

2008-11-26T09:26:00.005-06:00

I just wanted to post a quick update... I am touched by the replies and emails on this blog, and wish I had more time to write! Babies are a lot of work - ha ha - and so is work. My wonderful husband and I both started new jobs shortly after Baby was born... Never a dull moment!

He is healthy, happy, fat ... and has a smile that would melt the toughest soul...

As for my daughter - Sigh.

Her Birthday was this week - and last night she and "boyfriend" came by for the first time since the week the baby was born in July. I hate that I'm pretty sure her main reason for the visit was hoping I had Birthday money for her. I did not. She is not in rehab, lots of reasons (excuses) why... I was so depressed after she left.

There is MUCH to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and we are ...

And I hope for all a Happy Thanksgiving

Flash Back... and a request for thoughts and prayers

2008-09-29T09:11:00.006-05:00

Our Grandson - September 20, 2008

I am thankful that he is even alive... Keep praying for us all -

(D=Me, A=Daughter L="Boyfriend" K="Boyfriend's Sister" N="My husband")

July 6th, 2008 9:20 am - Awakened by a phone call:

D "Hello?"

A "Hey"

D "Hey!"

A "What're you doing?"

D "Mmm - I'm waking up"

A "Yeah...[sighs]"

D "What are you doing?"

A "Nothing. I don't feel good."

D "What's the matter"

A "I'm throwing up and I have diareah"

D "Hmm - When did that start?"

A "Huh?"

D "When did that start?"

A "Last night"

D "[Clears throat] Any, ah, cramps or anything, I mean like in your stomach"

A "[little bit]"

D "hmm?"

A "Little bit"

D "Where are you at?"

A "Dad's"

D "Uh-hm"

A "[I don't know]"

D "Hmm?"

A "I don't know"

D "Do you think you might be going into labor?"

A "No"

D "You just think you're sick?

A "Uh-huh

D "Do you have anything to take?"

A "Do what?"

D "Do you have anything to take?"

A "Not really... [Sigh]... I think it's cause I took a hydrocodone the other day, it's like an opiate, I think it made me sick "

D "Well, where'd you get that?"

A "When we were in Dallas for the 4th of July"

D "Have you been using?"

A "Huh?"

D "Have you been using heroin?"

A "I can't hear you"

D "Have you been doing heroin?"

A "No"

D "That's good. Um..."

A "It feels just the same"

D "Well, you might need to go to the hospital if it keeps up"

A "They'll take the baby away"

D "Huh?"

A "They'll take the baby away"

D "Well, if you test positive for something, but, you know, I don't know what to tell you about that, A. Um... you know you and the baby can come here"

A "Yeah, they're still not going to let me keep it or let me be around it"

D "Honey. Are you thinking of not going to the hospital when the baby is born?"

A "Yeah, I'm going to go to the hospital when the baby is born - but I can't right now. I can't go to the hospital for the way I feel right now"

D "Well... you might have to 'cause... and, if the baby's not born and you're still sick you need to go get help, you know, that's also for the best interest, the benefit of the... I mean to be honest you know, if you think that you're sick because of what you took, you know that could make the baby sick too, right?"

A "Yeah"

D "You know, and I hope you... I don't know... Where's L?"

A "Upstairs"

D "Well, is he sick?"

A "Yeah"

D "He is too... Is your dad home?"

A "Yeah"

D "I'm not sure what to tell you or what to do, Honey. Are ya'll - Ya'll are both sick... Um..."

A "Yeah"

D "From the same thing?"

A "Yeah"

D "What can I do to help?"

A "I don't know. L would be mad if he knows I'm talking to you..."

D "Well..."

A "... for telling you"

D "Then you're doing the right thing because it's not about him"

A "I don't know what to do, he thinks I should just, you know, stick with it and see what happens in a day or so, if it fucking goes away or whatever, but Dad has to go to work tomorrow and we don't have our cell phone, we let a friend borrow it and we still had our other one and they were supposed to bring it back on the way back from Cedar Creek..."

D "Do you want me to come get you?"

A "I don't know!"

D "Well Honey, you have to decide, you can't just do something because L thinks it's a good idea"

A "Well, I don't know if it's a good idea or not"

D "Well, are you worried about your baby at all?"

A "Yeah"

D "Well, think about - it if you're having, for what ever brings it on, you know, diarreah and vomiting, you know..."

A "I'm having withdrawals, that's what it is"

D "I know. Withdrawals. But when you have withdrawals your baby has withdrawals..."

A "I know"

D "...And that's not good... um, and L, you know, I don't know, if he's going through withdrawal he's not thinking of you or the baby, he doesn't feel good either... but... and, going through withdrawal that can bring on labor, too, A. You need to be with someone that can make sure you get to the hospital, and, someone that if, if you're not able to... if you do have a baby and you test for drugs, that can help you and the baby you see? If you're just depending on L they're not going to give you the time of day... Can I come get you?"

A "I don't know, I mean, 'cause L can't stay here, we gotta figure out where he's gonna go..."

D "Well, I can give him a ride... well, find out"

A "All right"

D "But your responsibility is not to L right now, Honey"

A "I know"

D "Ok. I'm glad you called me, thank you. I love you A and I'm worried about you"

A "I am too"

D "Call me back"

A "Alright"

D "Ok"

A "Bye"

D "Bye"

******************
July 6th 2008 9:33 am - I call her back:
******************

A "Hello?"

D "Hi Honey"

A "Hey"

D "Now you've got me really worried now - Is your dad there? Have you told him?"

A "Yeah"

D "Can I talk to him?"

A "Kind of"

D "Hm?"

A "I said kind of"

D "You kind of told him?"

A "Yeah"

D "Honey, I don't think you'd recognize if you were, you know... when did this start?"

A "Last Night"

D "You really need to go to the hospital..."

A "I can't"

D "Why?"

A "Cause..." (crying)

D "Because you're worried they're going to take, you know, because they're going to track you or what?"

A "um-hm. kind of"

D "That might happen anyway, A - It's better to go in and show that you're taking care... What if you, uh, you know, going thru withdrawals and you end up going into labor at the same time?"

A [mumbled]

D "huh?"

A "Let me call you right back"

D "ok"

A "bye"

*************
I call "Boyfriend's" sister K 9:40am:
*************

K "Hello"

D "Hi K - Did I wake you up?"

K "No, My brother just did "

D "Oh, what did he tell you?"

K "He just asked to come over for a little bit. What's going on?"

D "Ok, good. Well, apparently he and A are both going through some withdrawals..."

K "Oh Crap"

D "I know but I'm trying to talk her [PHONE BEEPS] Hold on, she's calling me back, ok?"

K "Ok"

00:25 [Beep Beep]

D "Hello"

A "Hey"

D "Hi Honey"

A "Um, I guess, come and get me"

D "Ok. All Right, I'll be there shortly"

D "OK? Are you there?"

K "It's K"

D "Oh, Sorry. A told me to come get her. Yeah. I don't - she was worried about having a place for him, can he come ov.." [call ended]

*************
I call "Boyfriend's" sister back 9:42am:
*************

K "Hey"

D "Hey K... "

K "Yeah"

D "A hasn't told L that she's called or told... she just said, as far, she didn't want L to know she called and told me this so I don't guess he told you that - and it's like, I'm going to pick her up - um she's worried he'll be mad at her, but you know, I don't really care about that, but, uh..."

K "Definitely. Um so why is he calling me to come over here? That's... "

D "Because A won't leave unless he has a place to go"

K "Oh, Ok..."

D "and so if you can just maintain long enough for me to get her, I mean I'm going to... "

K "Yeah, that'll be fine, I'll get him over here and feed him and [unclear]..."

D "... yeah, and, don't, don't, don't tell him that she called and said told, was honest about the withdrawal ok? because she's worried about... "

K "Ok, um, she's going through them too right now? "

D "Yes, and I'm going to take her to the hospital - I don't think she knows that - but you know, cause, yeah she's going through it too"

K "Yeah take her up there and let them know she's going through the withdrawals pregnant cause it's going to be dangerous for the baby for her to go through withdrawals"

D "I know, that's what I told her..."

K "It'll send her into labor"

D "That's what I told her and she wouldn't know any, you know, whether she was in or not, so I'm going to go take care of her if you can just let Steve bring L over there, they, so she'll quit worrying about him and um..."

K "Is her dad bringing him over here?"

D "Huh?"

[PHONE BEEPS - Getting another call]

K "Is her dad bringing him here"

D "I think so, she's..."

K "That's how ya'll are getting him here? cause he doesn't have a car"

[PHONE BEEPING]

D "Yeah, Yeah, I think so. Ok, Hold on -"

K "k"

D "Hello?"

[Indistinct]

D "Hello?"

A "Hey - Dad said he'll meet you in Terrell, we're gonna go drop L off"

D "Ok... At the hospital?"

A "No, at the McDonald's... or do you want to meet at the hospital?"

D "Let's meet at the hospital Honey - I think you need to, to make sure you're not in labor, Ok?"

A "All right"

D "All right, Bye"

A "Bye"

************
K calls and talks to my husband at the Hospital 12:27pm
************

N: "K, Can you hang on just a second?"

K: "Yeah"

N: "OK"

K: "Thank you"

(N is speaking on his phone with CPS in the background, giving his phone number )

N: "You there?"

K: "Yes"

N: "Ok - You doing Ok? "

K: "Ok, yes, I got in touch with CPS and they said they cannot get involved until after she has the baby, but... "

N: "Yeah, I called them myself just a little while ago"

K: "Oh did you?"

N: "Yeah"

K: "Ok"

N: "And they told me the same thing, so..."

K: "well, I went ahead and filed a report and they said just to call them back and, if, you know, anything else comes up like she gets arrested again or anything like that to call and let them know and...

N: "Ok"

K: "... all that kind of stuff but, um, anyways, how's she doing?

N: "Well, they're getting her stable and they're going to send her over to Baylor..."

K: "Getting her stable... are they, are they giving her methadone?

N: "Uh, no, they don't have any here, that's why they need to uh send her to Dallas, they're going to send her to a high-risk uh natal unit and the Doctor called Baylor and he said yeah they'd make room for her over there, so..."

K: "That's good"

N: "So, um, yeah, they just don't have anything here - matter of fact they're closing the labor & delivery part of this hospital, uh, in a couple of weeks. They're not taking any new patients, um so if you know anybody out that way that's uh, pregnant, tell them not to come here... hang on just a second..."

K: "I know she, ok."

N: "Ok, you there?"

K: "Yeah"

N: "All right. So"

K: "Well, just keep me posted, text me or something because you know I just kind of snuck away cause L is still here, so..."

N: "Well, feel free to boot him out or call Constable to come pick him up, he's probably got warrants out

K: "[laughs], that's true... but, um, yeah, just keep me posted on what's going on and let me know how she is"

N: "I will. They just did a songram and the baby is like 36 weeks and four days is what they estimate, um..."

K: "Oh wow"

N: "based on the size...and, uh, so they want to try and let her go a little bit longer, but, you know that's what I was telling the Doctor - Our delimma is, Ok, you get her stablized and then say she can go home, uh, she's just gonna go right back..."

K: "Yeah, she's gonna get right back on it as soon as she, yeah."

N: "Oh, yeah.

K: "She's just there cause she doesn't have the money or the way to get it right now"

N: "Well, we're gonna, if they transport her over to Baylor, Um, then they have programs over there, IF she'll agree to go through the programs, so that's the other thing..."

K: "Right"

N: "So, uh, and right now the only thing we can us to coerce her into staying would be how it's gonna look when she goes before the judge, so..."

K: "Right"

N: "Uh, that's the angle we're gonna have to play, 'cause otherwise you know she's 18, she can just get up and leave"

K: "Yeah"

N: "So, but anyway we'll keep you posted, and, uh, you call if you need anything, ok? But feel free to..."

K: "Ok"

N: "... do whatever with L, you could toss him out on the side of the road for all we care"

K: "[Laughs] All Right, well, thanks N, I'll talk to you later"

N: "Yeah, thanks for your help, Bye"

K: "Oh, you're welcome. Bye"

Never a Dull Moment

2008-09-01T22:07:00.005-05:00

I feel so bad that I haven't posted recently... I so appreciate all of the nice thoughts everyone has sent our way, and hopefully one day I'll have some free time to blog a bit. Maybe. One day. (smile)

Brief:

* Husband and I both started new jobs two weeks ago

* Hired a Nanny

* Baby got circumcised last Monday

* We went to court for 1st custody hearing last Tuesday - Daughter & "boyfriend" were no shows, hearing rescheduled

* New Nanny was a no-show last Wednesday

* Baby got to help me fix computers last Wednesday, cause I had taken Monday off and Tuesday morning off already... fortunately I work from home!

* Set a new standard for ad-hoc chaos last Wednesday. Fired Nanny.

* Baby turned 5 weeks old last Thursday - 5 weeks old! My, how time flies...

* We All Survived the rest of the week... Amazing Husband (and he has to drive in rush hour traffic every day for his new position at a fast paced law firm!) and adult children working together - Amazing family I have here... that the baby has here. ('Cept one key adult child was missing - haven't talked to her in over a week - she hasn't seen baby in 4 weeks. Sigh.)

We Spent the weekend interviewing new nannies & preparing for Louisiana relatives - The relatives arrived yesterday, 4 adults and 2 dogs. New nanny arrived today - she will be living in... We like her a LOT (and, she can make towel animals!)

Ok - I think I touched on the main points... lots of tiny details that either almost sunk us or lifted us up these past few weeks - Sooo much to be thankful for tonight as I get ready to collapse in preparation for another day of organized chaos and lots of love and laughter and worries... The babe is healthy and happy and so are we ... we are truly blessed in so many many ways. Sense of humor and appreciation of fine ironies firmly in place.

Sums it up...

2008-08-09T13:11:00.001-05:00

How could she choose ANYTHING over this child?

2008-08-05T12:08:00.010-05:00

We are brushing up on our newborn skills and doing quite nicely - no withdrawal signs at all in the little guy, Thank God... Went to the "Family Meeting" late friday at CPS - the "boyfriend's" parents were there, and his great grand-mother... they were very defensive right off the bat, about the previous children that their son lost custody of and the fact that when they visited this new grandbaby in the hospital and at our home, the visit was supervised by me and my husband ... It is so frustrating that people try to make our efforts to protect this child as something personal against them. Yes, the visits were supervised because they were in the company of my daughter and "boyfriend", their son ...
I do not know much about them except that their son, who I find out is still married, got my daughter hooked on heroin and pregnant when she was 17... I do NOT hold them accountable for their son's behaviors, except where their actions have actually, in my opinion, harmed MY loved ones. I do not think they are bad people, but I do believe that they are weak when it comes to their addict son. I would like to print out for them a recent blog by DHAM about enabling: DHAM !! DaughterHeroinAddict Moms: Nar Anon, Al Anon

ANYWAY - they went on and on about the fact that they have a very large extended family as a support system, that they are Christians, and that he is a mason and she is an "Eastern Star" - so they have a "lodge family" ... they and their son's paternal grandmother passed back ground checks and the new family plan states that they have "equal possession" to Baby. It makes me very uncomfortable. They actually took him with them after the meeting for the night - along with my daughter and her "boyfriend" who are still not allowed unsupervised contact or overnight visits with the baby - We found out shortly after that they were going to great grandmother's house to be "supervised" until the grandparents got off work.

IT WAS HORRIBLE to hand him over. It's really not personal, I don't think that the other grand parents are bad people... But the baby was just 1 week old Friday - Never in a million years would we have let any of our children out of our sight for an hour at that age, let alone over-night. I talked to the other grandmother about an hour after we left him and she said that my daughter and "boyfriend" had gone swimming! Part of their family plan is that they are to seek immediate in-patient rehab, so it naturally makes sense to his family that they went swimming? A week after a c-section?

When we went the next morning to get Baby (a meeting place that was a 30 minute drive for both sides) the other grandmother was alone and tired (I actually like her, she seems warm and kind, but very defensive of her son) - So much for the extended family and lodge and church support system. I was terribly disappointed that neither my daughter or anyone else rode with her to help with the baby, as he was in the back seat, in a rear facing car seat ...1 week old! But I am quickly becoming not much suprised, Alas. When we got the baby back the next day he slept for 8 hours straight... during the day.

I haven't heard from my daughter at all yesterday - since leaving the hospital text messages or token phone calls is pretty much it, but have occurred daily ... she has only come here once with "boyfriend" and his parents, and then of course to the family meeting Friday. The difference this week is that the "boyfriend's" parents and sister went to the coast for vacation, they left Sunday... supposedly my daughter & "boyfriend" didn't go with them... I know he has a court date on Thursday, and they are supposed to be getting into rehab... The big thing I feel is they must be free-falling right now with no "boyfriend's parents" giving them rides, feeding them, etc... I imagine they left them money, and well, you know.

OTHER THAN ALL THAT - everything is wonderful - he is a beautiful, peaceful, alert baby... burping, peeing and pooping in all the right places and times. My husband is possibly a better handler than I am - lol... he really is great. As I'm sure you can imagine, the biggest issue we face isn't lack of sleep, smelly shirts, the shock of diaper and formula costs, or the lack of sex (smile) ... it is the overwhelming attachment to this baby that began before he was even born and has only grown more fierce each day and the eagerness to get him safely and securely, LEGALLY, in our care - I have no intentions of this precious child being "a test" to see if my daughter, her "boyfriend" (who is still married to heroin addict mom of other children they have lost) and his family are ready to be responsible for him. No way.

I can only assume she is using again. There is no doubt that so far she has chosen "boyfriend" over her child.

A new grandson, A new beginning

2008-07-25T14:33:00.004-05:00

Oh, what a beautiful baby... mom and baby are doing well. It has been quite a journey these past 3 weeks!

Daughter was "induced" tuesday morning, beginning with a cervadil patch applied to her cervix because she was not quite one centimeter dilated. 12 hours later there was no change, so they applied another patch... Wednesday morning STILL just a centimeter dilated, but "soft", so they began pictocin via IV to get contractions going... she handled the contractions very well, even when they became pretty strong and sometimes only a minute apart.

(She had been off of methadone completely for 2 days, and only 5 mg a day for two days before that, so I was quite surpised that on Tuesday, they were giving her 2 10 mg Norco tablets every 3-4 hours for pain - I thought that was a pretty hefty dose of an opiate (hydrocodone, but they knew her history, so - once she was on the IV they gave her stadol)

Anyway, after 12 hours on the pictocin and pretty strong and regular contractions they checked her and...
no change in her cervix! That was very frustrating for her. They decided to leave off of the pictocin for 6-8 hours and instead applied another cervix softener, a gel applied "behind" the cervix, overnight while she rested (She didn't rest much) - checked her about 6:30 Thursday morning and ... nothing. They pretty much prepared her for a C-section that night, but first, to hers and my own great dismay, wanted her to do the pictocin again, and they really cranked it up. I must say it was unkind to tell her she was going to have a c-section but also have her in hard labor for about 8 hours first! On one hand I understand they were hoping the cervix might just dilate, but on the other they were pretty sure it wouldn't... and they didn't want to give her an epidural until it was time for the c-section because it might "stall" her labor. WTF? She was only in labor because of the pictocin - everything stopped the moment they turned it off... so THAT was heartbreaking to go through with her... she had no real incentive to work thru the pain of each contraction - she was in so much pain *I* cried...

Oh. Oh... And it was just me with her through that horrible 6 hours yesterday. I got to the hospital at about 8:30 am, prepared to spend the day, as I have all week. When I came in the room was dark, she was alone, and she was resting(finally!)... Normally the "boyfriend" is there watching TV, stretched out comfortably ... Baylor has been his personal hotel for the past few weeks. I didn't ask about him, but I did unplug the phone in her room and settled in in the dark so that she could continue to rest. After she woke up and the contractions were getting stronger, but still tolerable, I took a little break and went downstairs - I made sure to plug her phone back in so that she could call my cell if she needed me. OMG. I was downstairs no more than 5 minutes when she called - "Boyfriend" was in jail!!! Do you see why I am so impressed with this guy? He told her it was a case of mistaken identity, cops thought he looked like a suspect from an incident a few days ago and they realized their mistake, but, oops, he had outstanding warrants. Sucks to be him. I have to tell you, I could only laugh. Truth be told, I was THRILLED... and my daughter didn't really seem to mind, either.

SOOOO - Long story short - at 5pm they took her in for a c-section, and I got to be there with her. I also got the coveted band on my wrist giving me access to the baby until he his discharged ... which if he ended up in NICU would be a major help.

He was delivered at about 5:45 pm, and was a little butterball, vigorous and vocal at 6 lbs 10 oz, 18.5" ... Beautiful. Beautiful.

Dad showed up (straight from nasty Dallas County Jail) around 10 pm.

CPS showed up at about noon today, and he has been placed with me and my husband - My daughter and the "boyfriend" are not allowed to have any unsupervised visits for the forsee-able future... I am getting ready to go back to the hospital because they cannot even have him in the room with them without me or my husband there, and the "boyfriend's" family are coming to see him. I do not mind at all supervising everyone of those visits. (The other grandparents didn't even stay at the hospital long enough to see the baby and my daughter out of recovery... they headed off to bail their big addict baby out of jail. Pfft.)

So far, he's doing very well and is not in the NICU... they are watching for signs of withdrawal carefully. Did I mention that he is beautiful? And my daughter looked beautiful holding him? And I dare to hope she will do the right thing... she is sad about CPS, but was prepared for that, and she knows how fortunate she is that he is healthy. She really wants to be a good Mom, and I want to help her be able to be just that... Thanks for all of your thoughts and prayers (HUGS)

What do you think?

2008-07-17T15:06:00.012-05:00

Sooo Close - night before last Dr told my daughter he'd do a sonogram Thursday (today) and maybe induce on Friday... Alas, after sonogram this morning he decided to wait til next week... which is what he said earlier this week. I agree that everyday in the womb the baby gets stronger, but it's hard when daughter gets her hopes up for going into labor and then ... NOT. Actually, the 9th month is a waiting game for almost every pregnancy... she's doing fine.

I tend to "google" a lot, in my never ending quest for information... a recent combination of words found me the blog of a neonatal doctor, and I found it very interesting reading. He seems over-all to be thoughtful, well educated (obviously), and compassionate

"..The mother of the slightly premature baby was very nice and had seemed to have her life together, in spite of the fact that her other children were not in her custody. We were a bit surprised, then, when on the day of the baby's discharge two women we had never seen before walked to his bedside with clothes and a car seat for him...

"Excuse me", I said, "but who are you and how are you related to the baby?" It turned out they were the maternal grandmother and aunt of the baby.

"May I ask why you're here, and where the mom is?"

"She's in jail", the grandmother said quietly.

Unsure of what to say next - it's not often we have to reply to the statement that someone's in jail -I finally asked "What's she in jail for?"

The grandmother paused, and finally said, with a mixture of sheepishness and frustration, "Lots of things."

Clearly, a rapid consult with our social worker was needed, and fortunately after a bit of checking, we were able to send the baby home with grandmother. A fair number of our kids are raised by their grandmothers, because their moms are not up to the task, and I often wonder if that's a good thing. Many people seem reassured by the grandmothers' maturity and experience with babies. But aren't these grandmothers the same ones who raised the mother who is now deemed unable to care for her child? Do we have any assurance that she'll do a better job with this child?

Of course not. But it's a safe haven, and that, today, is the best we can get for many kids..." (neonataldoc.blogspot.com/2006_02_01_archive.html)

Um, OUCH. I would hope that most medical professionals are a bit more knowledgable than that. I have personally known families where horrible parents end up with a child that never get into trouble, and excellent parents whose child gets involved with drugs... Of my own children, I have one who has a doctorate degree and another who is an addict. I didn't raise them differently.

One another note, my googling also turned up the Zaky... pillows that are apparently utilized frequently in NICU's, and I think they're great:

Peace.

She's frustrated...

2008-07-15T14:10:00.004-05:00

Daughter is getting good medical care - and I am proud that she is still at the hospital.

Overall, she's been treated very compassionately... Yesterday the "boyfriend" finally left the hospital, but due to his camping out there for a few days, she is now restricted to the floor. Other patients can come and go for short trips downstairs, and she could too, last week ... she's frustrated and understands, but still is chafing at the bit. She made a good point that she is staying there voluntarily, and since there is no restriction on her visitors if she was trying to score in the hospital, she could... I took the day off and spent most of the day with her yesterday, trying to keep her spirits up

Yesterday morning the doctor discussed inducing her, but first wanted to do an amniocentesis to check that the baby's lungs were mature. The test came back that the lungs may not be quite ready. That was a disappointment to all. The procedure was not pleasant for her, but she handled it very well. She started contracting after the procedur for about an hour, then her uterus calmed down.

She's had OT's coming by trying to find things to keep her busy... nurses brought in a TV with a VCR and some movies... she's been talking to psycholgist, whom she likes a lot... there are other young ladies on the floor that they encourage her to get to know, but she's embarrassed about her situation - which she doesn't have to explain to them, but she's afraid it'll come up... I'll bet there are others in similar situations, but not sure I want her bonding with them, either...

Except for her stupid devotion to "boyfriend", overall I'm proud of how she is handling everything, and that she is staying. The doctor told her that if she doesn't go into labor on her own before then, he'll induce her next week ... she's eager and scared, both. Me too.

The watch continues

2008-07-11T17:48:00.003-05:00

The watch continues... I am happy to report that she is still in the hospital, and reality seems to be sinking in. I am glad for that, very glad...

It's sad, too. She is showing an emotion that I haven't seen in her for over a year: Shame. That's a valid thing for her to feel - and it's painful.

She tried to cut back to 5 mg of methadone a day, but she didn't do well - she was disappointed, but the Dr convinced her to do 10mg a day for the next 4 days, and then maybe a lower dose - She does seem to be really thinking of the baby now, and the effects on him, with/without the methadone - another good sign. She was pretty emotional yesterday.

She is now 37 weeks, so she has reached "full term", which is very good. We've talked about the hard work she has after the baby is born ... that there can be no compromises, no quick fixes, no BS. I so hope that she is finally ready to get clean, and stay clean.

Venting...

2008-07-08T13:54:00.005-05:00

Grrr - I let her get to me... One thing I've learned about heroin addicts is not to take the hurtful things they do personally. It's not always easy to do, especially when the addict is your daughter and knows which buttons to push. So I let down my guard and BAM!

We went to see her yesterday - she's been moved to the antepartum section of Labor & Delivery - her IV's & catheter have been taken out, and they are only putting fetal monitor on twice a day for 20 minutes... My first thought was "oh shit... she could just walk out of here" - Anyway - we took her a care package with basic toiletries, some books, snacks, word puzzles, coloring book & crayon, a teddy bear - the type of comfort things that a parent knows their child likes.

She told us about a visit with hospital social worker she had - she understands she will not be taking baby home with her, and that CPS will be involved, and she'll have A LOT of work to do before she would be able to have custody of her baby.

She doesn't seem very concerned, or upset. Her biggest concern seems to be finding someone to bring "boyfriend" to the hospital. The one who has already lost 3 children to CPS. The one who has been on heroin for 10 years. None of this is surprising, just disheartening. It's not a good sign... a friend reminded me, bluntly, that "she ain't in there 'cause she wants help, she's in there 'cause she ran out of her fix..." - I'm pretty sure no one who cares about her is going to take him to the hospital - if he makes it on his own, there isn't anything we can do about it...

What *really* got to me was her saying she wants the baby to be placed with either her "boyfriend's" parents or the family that cps placed his other children with! She's playing a dangerous game here; either she is just doing this to "punish" me, or she is hoping the baby will be placed where she and boyfriend can have easier access to him (found out the baby is a boy) - or both. His parents do not want to take this baby, and neither the "boyfriend" or his parents have access at all to his other children - his parental rights were terminated!

So - No real enlightenment. Nothing we can do until the baby is born - I'm assuming CPS doesn't put much weight on what the addicts wishes are - we have spoken to an attorney and are ready to act when the baby is born... Most importantly, I need to keep in mind that she is an addict and NOTHING she is doing right now is right. We are fortunate that she is under medical care right now, and hope that she will stay there until the baby is born, and I need to remain realistic about WHY she is there... a fix.

(She also told the Dr that she wants to begin weaning off of the methadone - which sounded encouraging at first, but now I can't help wondering if her "plan" is to get the boyfriend or someone else to bring her the real stuff? Sigh.)

Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers... I'm hoping she goes into labor soon, where she and the baby are safe

In Hospital

2008-07-07T08:46:00.004-05:00

Daughter called me yesterday morning a little after 9 because she was "sick" - with withdrawal. She and "boyfriend" both - not because they decided to quit, but because her car broke down.

I convinced her to let her dad drive her to the hospital in Terrel (1/2 way between us) - They ended up care-flighting her to Baylor Medical Center in Dallas, because of the high-risk pregnancy and they have a level 3 NICU. Before she was transported she'd started having contractions. She had "all kinds of things going on..." per the nurse

When we got to Baylor about an hour later, they wouldn't let us in to see her - finally the doctor came to talk to us and explained that she had been very combative, they almost used restraints, but once they got some methadone in her, she settled down. We went in and were relieved to see her calm and comfortable. Hungry, even.

Sonogram shows her to be about 36 weeks, her cervix is still thick, and the contractions seemed to have stopped (magnesium.) I like the Doctor - he would like to keep her and see if she'll go closer to full term and is hoping that "free methadone" will be the incentive for her to stay in the hospital. He said he won't discharge her until the baby is born, but they can't force her to stay... he is also going to get psychiatry involved.

Keep us in your thoughts!

The waiting game...

2008-07-04T12:00:00.002-05:00

Still no baby... this waiting sure is nerve wracking.

Just like everything else concerning my daughter this past year, it's frustrating to be so powerless to steer her towards positive outcomes... Babies come when they come, of course, but not knowing how "in tune" my daughter is with her body, where she'll be when labor starts, and how she will react - well... you know.

She and the "boyfriend" seem to be spiraling a bit this past week - scamming money, telling stories, etc... She had a court date last week and drove to Dallas for it ... but didn't go - says it was rescheduled. I've heard that one before.

Last night she told her dad her cell phone got stolen -

I really don't know what she is expecting... whether she really believes she is going to be able to keep this baby that she has made absolutely no plans for, choosing the boyfriend's life and addiction, this boyfriend who has already lost 3 children to CPS, instead. She doesn't really talk about AFTER the baby comes - It could be she expects to hand the baby over... It could be that she will be hurt and angry when we intervene. I really don't know...

Happy 4th, every one ... be safe

No turning back...

2008-06-26T14:59:00.005-05:00

How it will all turn out... Daughter 18 and her boyfriend, addicted to heroin, and a baby due any day... she hasn't had prenatal care since April. I did my best "fundus measurement" in a brief visit with her, and the tape measure shows 38 cm. How to reach her? How to protect her from herself? More importantly, how to protect the child on the way without alienating my daughter even more? (Imagine - the only thing MORE alienating than heroin)

My maternal instinct has and remains painfully strong. I will protect the innocent to the best of my ability, including obtaining custody as long as necessary to ensure the baby is not exposed to heroin and it's consequences once born.

I am praying that my daughter will give birth not only to a healthy child, but also to this prevailing mother-love that will finally be the factor that moves her to get away from heroin and heroin users for good.

As we head into summer...

2008-05-20T11:34:00.004-05:00

As I head into the summer, I am optimistic about many things, and of course concerned about a lot of things... Daughter's pregnancy is advancing and she seems to be doing well, although as far as I know she hasn't had another OB/GYN appointment, which is a concern. To recap, shortly after she was bonded out of jail by "boyfriend's" parent on heroin possession charge I contacted her OB/GYN to inform them of her heroin use during pregnancy... I still think it was the right thing to do, in light of things that she had told me - but, no suprise, it angered her A LOT, and I haven't seen her since... I have been in contact with her though, and I am glad for that.

She and her "boyfriend" are living with her father - Around Mother's day I printed off some family photos of her and her family over the years - and used them as stationary to let her know how much we (her family) have always loved her & still do - and to let her know that I miss her and am happy to hear from her father that she is doing well. I made a point of not dwelling on heroin, et al... just reminding her that I am here for her if she needs me. She responded with a very nice phone call, and since then we have talked several times. I have sent her books (She loves to read - I resisted the urge to send her self-help books - I ordered her books by Stephanie Myers, her new favorite author who has a trilogy "The Twilight Saga" that is very popular ... about vampires, I think. She's always liked Stephen King, VC Andrews, Dean Koontz, etc. I did slip in "Heading Home with Your Newborn: From Birth to Reality" LOL. She called to thank me when she got the books... unfortunately, the Meyers book was the Spanish version, which was pretty funny. Yesterday I mailed her a return label so that she could send it back to Amazon, and I included some maternity clothes for her.

Her dad thinks they are staying clean, and when I talk to her she sounds good, so I am going with that for now - The baby is due in July, and I don't want to be estranged. Her father and I have just about talked her into returning to her OB/GYN here... They drug tested her on her last appointment in April, and she told me that it was "clean" ... if true, there is no reason for her to avoid the Doctor, who she really liked.

She still has a looming court date for her heroin possession charge - I don't know when that will be, or what the outcome will be - It's concerning to me that she hasn't really done anything that a judge could look at and think "I see she is taking responsibility for her actions" ... I really don't know what to expect, but so far have been amazed at the revolving door that "jail" has been for her and the "boyfriend" over this past year.

So - Hope springs eternal, but with a health dose of realism, at least on my part ;-)

Not so good, after all

2008-04-05T14:23:00.003-05:00

With regards to last post, up until about 9:30 this morning, I was still under the assumption that things are good - better even than the last time I posted. I had helped my daughter find another ob/gyn because the atmosphere at the office of the one she had been seeing just wasn't good - She had her first appointment with new Dr yesterday and was so excited - a direct quote from my daughter: "I love, love, love her!!!" The office was friendly and nurturing, and treated her with respect. She was particularly touched that they gave her a diaper bag filled with samples and pamphlets and etc... And that's what prenatal visits should be, what I remember them being: Something to look forward to, a nurturing environment.

My daughter even called me at about 11pm to thank me once again for all of my help and emotional support. She sounded good. Happy.

Well. The call this morning was to inform me that my daughter is in jail. Details are sketchy... Apparently both she and her "boyfriend" (see earlier posts) were arrested. When bondsman office called, I learned that my daughter is being held on a "possession of a controlled substance" in the county jail in the small E. Texas town she is living in. Heroin.

In addition to that charge, there seems to be a $500 ticket or something out of Dallas County that both she and her "boyfriend" are being held for. But only she has this "possession" charge - a state felony. (Insert expletive of choice here - several, actually)

As I've said, details are sketchy. I know that she spoke to a friend who was expecting her to come over at about 11:30 last night and she was on her way... and then no one heard anything else, no "where are you?" phone calls were returned. Apparently both she and "boyfriend" were in the car - I am envisioning a traffic stop. I really do think my daughter hasn't been using, but apparently she was holding - and that REALLY pisses me off. 5 months pregnant and taking care of her heroin addict boyfriend (see previous blog post) - It's been less than a month that she managed to raise money to get him out of jail, on bond...

I have an active imagination, in lieu of facts: A glance in the rearview mirror - police lights - a flurry of activity while "boyfriend" hands heroin to her because - whatever. The police do a check and find outstanding warrants out of Dallas - on BOTH of them (hers should have been cleared, so either she's mistakenly still in system or, ha-ha, I am ill-informed.)

It doesn't really matter, though. She may still be using for all I really know... at the very LEAST, she knows that her "boyfriend" is still using, and that's who she chooses to be with, who she is excited to be having a baby with, who has already lost children due to heroin.

SHE was charged with possession because she had the heroin - not him. (expletive, expletive, expletive.) She has made extremely poor choices, repeatedly, and they are most definitely her choices.

So - according to bondsman, I can pay $1500 to get her released on bond - If I don't she will likely be there in the _____ County Jail for at least 3 months (8 months pregnant) - at which time there may be a reduction in her bond. IF I were to co-sign to have her released from the County Jail, she will be then transferred to Dallas County Jail on her outstanding Dallas warrant. Dallas County Jail is a very bad place. The small county jail she's in now, not so bad - Three meals a day, and no Heroin. I'm not bonding her out (I couldn't if I wanted too) - I think where she is right now is a safer environment for her and her unborn child than where she was in the moments leading up to her being put in jail.

One day at a time.

Things are good...

2008-02-19T12:24:00.005-06:00

I feel so bad that I haven't kept up with this blog - it's such an odd feeling... I was so compelled to write and find others to share with, to be inspired with, to laugh & cry with. Writing about my daughter and her heroin addiction really is helpful to me, and it's amazing the insights I discover while actually putting thoughts in writing.

And the caring people that I have met and followed with their own addiction issues - their own or a friend or family member... I kind of have a writer's block, I think, because... things. seem. to. be. going. well. It's such an odd, superstitious type thing and I'm a bit ashamed of myself for it. I almost feel

1.) That I don't want to jinx anything
2.) I don't want to seem naive
3.) Could it be this simple?

But the part that's really bugging me is that I am a very optomistic person, generally - and my daughter is a very strong-willed person, generally. (I often told her that if she put as much energy into staying clean as she put into getting high, there was no limit to the things she could accomplish) - and so:

4.) I want to be able to relax and enjoy my daughter!

It's almost like I need permission to let down my guard. Does this make sense? Anyway, so here is an update:

My daughter hasn't been around me much since the Christmas visit when she went through withdrawal and then just up and left to go back to the same place she came from - after promising to get treatment. I truly had ZERO faith at that point of her successfully staying clean. So, it's no surprise she stayed away. What *is* a pleasant surprise is that she apparently has stayed clean. She's seen her father several times and her sister, and they have let me know that she looks good and is acting like herself again. That was very reassuring to me, and today I got to see for myself...

We had been talking on the phone the past couple of days, and she was coming into town for a prenatal visit and said she'd stopped by. I had bought some maternity clothes forher from Ebay and sent them to her thru my oldest daughter, and she appreciated that. (I really have been trying to make sure she got the messgae that I love her and am here for her in a way that doesn't go into the things that "turn her off". You know.

Well, she came by today after the prenatal vist, and she had been crying. She needed a hug - she was scared cause the Dr had said the baby was a bit "small", and seemed concerned that daughter hadn't felt any "quickening" or 1st fluttery movements. She is at 16 weeks now. I sat down with her and explained that some women don't feel this in a first pregnancy until 24 weeks, and since she herself is so tiny, the baby may very well be "small" - also, due to her addiction, her menstural periods had been very erratic, and the dates could be off by a couple of weeks, easily. She felt better and admitted that she may had taken what the Dr said wrong, as the Dr didn't seem to be giving her any kind of bad news. We talked about what she might feel - "bubbles" "butterfly wings" "tickling sensation"... it's hard to describe if you've never felt it!

My husband and I fed her and loaded her with groceries and some more comfy petite jogging pants and some maternity shirts that I bought yesterday (she *is* getting a belly and her boobs are huge - lol - she is not even 5' tall) I invited her to come spend a week with me soon, getting pampered and healthy, and she said she'd like to do that.

About 30 minutes after she left, my phone rang and when I answered I was very alarmed to hear her shrieking "He did it! He did it!!" - I am so "programmed" for bad calls that I could not comprehend what she was telling me - Ha ha - she was excited because she felt the baby move! Several times. Her joy was something I haven't heard in so long, I have butterflies in my stomach just writing about it (smile)... (She said "he" tho she doesn't know the sex of the baby yet)

That's my post, for now. My update. My good news... I need to remember to take things one day at a time. I am feeling some serenity right now, I think. It felt good to laugh with her. It feels good that it's okay to relax a bit.

I love this one, too

2008-01-13T22:17:00.001-06:00

I can't tell you the emotions upon seeing the first image of my child's child ... at almost 12 weeks gestation.

I am pro-choice, which means I accept the choice that my daughter made... 'nuff said.

I am a bit frightened about how painful it is too love someone and yet have no control over that person... I have been contemplating that aspect of myself this weekend, and it is helpful to remember the serenity prayer...

My daughter came by before and after the doctor visit last week -
I work from home and was on the phone and didn't get to talk to her much. I didn't quite believe her story about needing extra money for co-pay, but then again, heroin or no she is very poor and so I did give her $20 and my husband took her car to fill it up with gas. He talked to her a bit, and to him she did seem to be clear-headed... THAT was extremely reassuring to me ... he and I are both very familiar with her "heroin eyes".

She used to be so very meticulous in her clothing and cleanliness, and her fashion these days is more like "bag lady"... I hope, I hope, I hope she gets back to herself.

I am bidding on a "lot" of maternity clothes on E-bay... she is extremely petite... I hope that she'll allow me to be a part of this child's life. It is quite a lot to expect from the little one, but maybe this child will save her.

"In old days there were angels who came and took men by the hand and led them away from the city of destruction. We see no white-winged angels now. But yet men are led away from threatening destruction: a hand is put into theirs, which leads them forth gently towards a calm and bright land, so that they look no more backward; and the hand may be a little child's" ~ George Eliot

2008-01-07T22:09:00.001-06:00

I just read “Candy” by Luke Davies – a novel about addiction that is very informative about the way heroin addicts think – also, for me, it was chilling in that one of the characters is a beautiful girl who falls in love the main protagonist, an older man who has used heroin for years – and he gets her hooked, also. The irrational thinking, especially about Candy’s pregnancy, seems very apropros to me and was enlightening in a way that I never hoped to need. Supposedly it is now or soon will be a movie - wonder if i'll watch it? I wonder if SHE'LL watch it.

Last I heard anything was on the eve of 12-27. I missed a call at 7pm from a nurse at a hospital in East Tx... The vm said "I just spoke with you about your daughter - she is being released now but doesn't have her cell phone and needs a ride".... Of course, I hadn't talked to anyone there. So I called the hospital and they were a bit confused, then embarrassed - earlier they had talked to her "boyfriend's" mom, and had been told that was the mother... they coouldn't tell me what she had been treated for, due to HIPPA laws. Sooo - that's the last I heard - she hasn't returned any calls or txt messages. Obviously he had her phone and car...

I have been keeping track of her cell phone records - as of New Years day there were several calls to local pawn shops.

I called the "boyfriend's" parents the other night and he said that they were both fine and asleep or "resting" - but I could tell from phone log that at least her phone was in dallas - sooooo. Nothing much I can do, except worry. It's a prepaid cell phone - out of talk time - am thinking of adding $10 just so I can keep track of who they are contacting, but I haven’t so far - I bought her the phone for her b-day, so that if she had an emergency she could call. I have quit putting money on the phone for voice calls, but I do pay 9.95 a month so that she can send and receive text messages… everyone who cares about her has txt messaging on their phones (Me, her dad, brother, sister) – I wish she felt the need to txt us, to really get help.

A New Year Awaits

2007-12-27T21:11:00.002-06:00

It was an interesting Christmas - A good one, actually, in that I had the whole family here. Including my addicted one.

She called me on the 23rd, sick - she is 8 weeks pregnant and knows that she must quit using, and decided to quit. I have been very firm in the "tough love" department so far, and talked to her about getting treatment. She told me she just wanted to get off of it and then "get on with her life" - Typical addict logic, at least with her. Basically, she was starting to feel the withdrawal effects and wanted her mom. I repeated to her my stance, that I would get her to treatment - she turned that down and hung up.

After thinking about it, my husband and I decided that this might be an opportunity to get through to her that we didn't want to miss, so I called her back and she agreed to give me 7 days, without contact with her "boyfriend" who was supposedly also going through withdrawal. She agreed and we went to get her.

She was very sick -
I guess the best way to describe her symptoms is to comapre them with a severe stomach flu. Yeah. Not pleasant at all. At about midnight on Christmas eve she asked me to take her to the emergency room... she's been to the ER several times since she became addicted, and I now know that she was going through withdrawal then, too. I told her no, that she could do it - and reminded her that I had offered to get her medical help when she originally called and she turned that down. I had some prescription sedatives, and told her I would give her one to help her sleep IF she agreed to enter treatment first thing the day after Christmas ... and this time she agreed.

Maybe bribery seems wrong, but what isn't wrong about heroin?

She slept all through the night and into Christmas morning. We got her through the hard part and she was surrounded by family on Christmas day. She didn't interact too much, but I think she was glad to be here.

Yesterday morning I woke up early and made arrangements for her to enter a treatment facility that has a residential program for pregnant women, spoke with insurance company about out of network benefits, etc, etc, etc...

No suprise, but at the last minute, she balked and refused to go. She is gone now - the "boyfriend's" father came to get her, even though I called and asked him not to... I gave her and him the phone numbers of the treatment facility, where they assured me they had all of the info they'll need if she calls them. I have to say I was angry more than disappointed or hurt. I told her that I will not help her again unless she calls me FROM a treatment facility. I talked to her briefly tonight and she says she's still clean. Says she's bored, but proud of herself.

I wish I believed that it was that easy. I hope that her stubborn "independence" and desire to prove me wrong and her desire to have a healthy baby is stronger than the desire to please her "boyfriend" who has already lost children to CPS due to his addiction. I hate him, and I just don't get why she is where she is.

How does a beautiful, intelligent girl have absolutely zero self-esteem? What could I have done different?

She's my baby. Tough love, as far as not supporting her unless she is willing to get counseling/rehab is all I know to do NOW.

My daughter is a Heroin Addict.

2007-12-18T18:03:00.001-06:00

The purpose of this blog, hopefully, is frank/open discussions about parenting an addicted child.
My husband and I have 6 beautiful children between us. All of our children are GOOD people. Every one of them. We raised them all with abundant love and care, equally.
This blog is something about me as a parent and my youngest daughter, who I love dearly. Dearly. You might be shocked. I am. But I don't mean it to be all about me, of course... Hopefully this will open a dialogue for us all to share virtual hugs, support, ideas - and yes, smiles and laughter, because those are also intergal parts of parenting... Thank Goodness. When my children were little I remember thinking "Aha! THIS is why children get sent to their room - so that we can laugh."
Oh, I wish right now I had concerns about childish behavior... I've gotten good at dealing with that. No, this is something I never, ever, EVER even considered that I would have to deal with. My 18 year old daughter is addicted to heroin. Mine. My. Child.

I am frightened, embarrassed, angry ... but after doing some research, I think I am not alone. If your child is addicted, YOU are not alone.
I'm not going to hide - I'm going to fight. I'm going to share my experience in the off chance it will help my child - anyone's child. I have already learned that until my daughter is ready to fight, too, there may be little else I can do but write about it.

If you are a frightened parent like me, rest assured that even my biggest worry will never mean that your own are trivial... It's something I taught my children early about compassion, in terms they could grasp: If one person breaks their leg, and another person breaks their finger - they are both in pain. Whatever pain a person has, if it's the thing that hurts them most, it is important... It is never acceptable to discount as trivial what hurts or worries another person.

It's been a rough year ... Yes, I've been on the dreaded teenage "Roller Coaster" before, but was thinking that I was at it's end. I also thought that my youngest daughter and I had been through the worst - and we have certainly been through a lot in the "teenage rebellion" stage.

It seems that what was happening in August of 2006 was a truce of sorts - I was facing the possibility of a serious illness and she rallied in a way to relieve me from worrying about her. I know now that she wasn't actually staying out of trouble because she had turned over a new leaf, just being more cautious not to make waves... and, due to the overwhelming health concerns, Dr. appointments, work, etc, etc - she was flying under the radar quite easily.

In many ways she is a sensitive compassionate person, and that gives me strength.

Gradually, things got back to "normal" here... In November 2006 my daughter turned 17 and made the decision to go live with her father, rather than follow the very basic rules that we had for her here... Basically the Who, Where, What questions about her activities were the rules that she couldn't abide - a reasonable curfew, simple household chores, do well in school. She also was "dating" a totally inappropriate 19 year old that I overheard making a phone call to have someone deliver drugs to my house (!!) - An absolute rule was that he was not to come to my house nor was she to see him. Alas...

After the move, she seemed to be doing well living with her Dad in the small town she grew up in, about a 45 minute drive away. She was doing well in school, eventually dropped the above mentioned "boy" and she got her driver's license and her father got her a car. She got a job, she sounded happy. Unfortunately, I learned that she had also taken up with a 28 year old man, her new "boyfriend".

She quit her job on the last day of school. She drove in to see me a couple of times a month, mainly for money to go to the mall or out to eat... I was happy to see her and held my tongue about the boyfriend, hoping she would make the right decision. She is in many many ways a very bright girl.

The first part of June, I got a call from her one evening... she was in jail! I really had thought that she was doing ok, but she and her 28 year old "boyfriend" had been arrested shoplifting right around the corner from my house... I was mortified, and confused. I would have given her money if she needed it. I always had. She knew that.

Based on her history, the "roller coaster ride" that over the past few years has included counseling, rehab, truancy court, etc... her father and I, step-father, her brothers and sisters - we all decided NOT to bail her out this time... we felt it was important for her to understand that being the "adult" she wanted everyone to treat her as came with heavy responsibilities and consequences beyond our rules.

She was transferred to the county jail, which is not a nice place. We learned that she was in the jail infirmary... Oh - I worried! She is my baby, after all. Her father paid to get her car out of impound, and disabled it.

After 3 days she was able to arrange her own personal release bond - and I went with a family friend to pick her up... at 4 in the morning she was finally released, defiant. She looked like hell.

The family friend had already discussed with me his desire to try to help her. He & his wife were going to offer her a job, a place to live and a very rigid schedule to help her get back on track. This is someone that she loves and trusts very much. She turned him down... I hugged her and put her to bed. She looked so ill...

In the morning, her "boyfriend", also released from jail, called. I told her again that she had a choice to make - Her family's love, help, RULES, or to leave my house. She chose to go with the loser boyfriend... the 28 year old... And, I let her go.

Between the time she made the decision and actually left with him, I learned that the reason she had been in the infirmary is that she has been doing heroin and was going through withdrawal. I had no idea. I thought nothing could shock me, but this had the same effect as if I had learned that my daughter had a terminal illness. And, I let her go. I knew from experience she would have gone anyway... and her associates where people that I felt put my entire family's safety at risk. OMG - I let her go. I told her I loved her. I told her as soon as she wanted help, I would help her, but that meant rehab. I asked her to call me regularly and let me know she is alive.

During the next few weeks she called a couple of times. She said she was "safe", but I had no idea what "safe" meant to her anymore... Actually, I guess I did - I could hear in her voice that she was not well, strung out.

There is an "epidemic" in Dallas right now, called "cheese." I can't believe it has touched my family. "It could never happen to my child" I'm sure I would have thought if I had even bothered to think about it at all... Deadly $2 heroin aimed at young teens.

Read More http://athenarising.blogspot.com/2007/12/my-daughter-is-heroin-addict.html