A brief glimpse - a flashback - a question

Today it seems important to share this. My daughter long has had a phrase she felt was important: "If Not Now, When?" - We've talked about it recently, she's reminding herself. It's been SUCH a long journey, and she has left so many people hurting in her wake - but no one more so than herself. I just had to write to her in jail that her grandmother passed away on Thursday. They were so close - except my daughter hasn't seen her in 2 years. I think she thought, if she thought at all, that she would always be there, waiting.

In her last letter, my daughter asked me to tell her grandmother that she loved her and was sorry that she let her down and hasn't been there for her. I believe her grandmother heard those words the day before she passed away, as I read them to her.

Anyway - This is from my daughter's blog - in September of 2007. I wish I could share it with HER right now - and remind her once more... If not now, when?

The video is a compilation of her and family and friends, set to two of her favorite songs... she's the little one with long dark hair, blue bandana, sweet smile & cocky attitude. My baby. The video won't stay up long - just a glimpse of real people, her life.

Below it is a blog she posted 4-5 months after we found out about the heroin in 2007... a year before her son was born to addicted parents

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You've got a friend

Well, my daughter was moved to the county jail in the county where she was recently indicted for her heroin possession charge - I must admit to a feeling of panic when I was alerted to by the VINES network that her custody status had changed and that she had been released from jail - it was a few hours before I got notice that she was then in custody at the other county jail. "Boyfriend" did not get released.

I don't know really know what to expect, as far as her felony possession charge - It is a pretty serious offense. She wrote to me again right after she was transferred and said she does plan on talking to her new defender and the judge about rehab - actually I got three letters at once and a poem she had written for my upcoming birthday next week - the last time we spoke on the phone and the resulting letter I sent her again seemed to have struck a nerve (I wrote about my frustration in my previous post) - and she had written me to apologize and try to explain better what she meant.

At times she seems so much like the child who was so close to me - I then wrote her a much more thoughtful and encouraging letter... and on the day I mailed it is when I was notified she was transferred - Wow, the letters I write are all hand-written - no copies - and I had spent so much time on that one. LOL. I sure do take a lot of "instant communications" for granted! Anyway. The letter was finally returned to me, so I mailed it off with another letter I wrote to her. I do love her, and cherish this time we have to exchange thoughts via letter. We can't interrupt each other, we can reread - and we can't really fire-off a rapid response that maybe wasn't well thought out, such as happens with email.

She asked me to send the "Rescue This Child" prayer, as the move was so sudden she had left it taped to the wall by her bunk. I think I like the idea of that being there, hopefully it will stay up, for other "lost children" to find. I sent her another.

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Yeah. Right.

Today, I just think it's all still BS - MAYBE she was sincere in her last letter, or maybe she is still just manipulating me. Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely. "Little things" mean a lot in this drama, and are very revealing.

Recently the other grandparents told us we need to change the baby's name on his pediatrician records. TOLD us - nothing subtle or diplomatic about them... we on the other hand try to be reasonable and keep our exchanges with them civil... Anyway, to go back in time a bit: when baby was born, "boyfriend" wasn't there because he got arrested that day. He didn't sign the birth certificate, although he was released from jail later the night the baby was born and camped out at hospital til baby was discharged... He DID NOT WANT his name on there because of CPS records concerning his other children.

Medical records, since day one, have had my daughter's last name as Baby's last name. After a few weeks (& after CPS became involved anyway) a birth certificate name change was filed, so that "boyfriend's" last name replaced my daughter's. Fine. By then the baby was already on my insurance and so at the pediatrician's office we added "boyfriend's" last name, hyphenated to his chart.

I asked my daughter about legally changing the baby's name to include her name, you know, hyphenated. This was in a letter I wrote to her last week. She called last night to tell me that she expected to be released soon from the county jail she is in now... she went with getting felony theft charge dropped and time-served, counter to what she had written... and "boyfriend" went for the same thing. As for the name issue, she told me she "didn't want to make any decisions in jail" - What? "Mom, I just don't want to make any decisions like this now..." What? "Mom! He's his father, they feel strongly about this, it's tradition..."

OMG.

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