Saturday, April 5, 2008

Not so good, after all

With regards to last post, up until about 9:30 this morning, I was still under the assumption that things are good - better even than the last time I posted. I had helped my daughter find another ob/gyn because the atmosphere at the office of the one she had been seeing just wasn't good - She had her first appointment with new Dr yesterday and was so excited - a direct quote from my daughter: "I love, love, love her!!!" The office was friendly and nurturing, and treated her with respect. She was particularly touched that they gave her a diaper bag filled with samples and pamphlets and etc... And that's what prenatal visits should be, what I remember them being: Something to look forward to, a nurturing environment.

My daughter even called me at about 11pm to thank me once again for all of my help and emotional support. She sounded good. Happy.

Well. The call this morning was to inform me that my daughter is in jail. Details are sketchy... Apparently both she and her "boyfriend" (see earlier posts) were arrested. When bondsman office called, I learned that my daughter is being held on a "possession of a controlled substance" in the county jail in the small E. Texas town she is living in. Heroin.

In addition to that charge, there seems to be a $500 ticket or something out of Dallas County that both she and her "boyfriend" are being held for. But only she has this "possession" charge - a state felony. (Insert expletive of choice here - several, actually)

As I've said, details are sketchy. I know that she spoke to a friend who was expecting her to come over at about 11:30 last night and she was on her way... and then no one heard anything else, no "where are you?" phone calls were returned. Apparently both she and "boyfriend" were in the car - I am envisioning a traffic stop. I really do think my daughter hasn't been using, but apparently she was holding - and that REALLY pisses me off. 5 months pregnant and taking care of her heroin addict boyfriend (see previous blog post) - It's been less than a month that she managed to raise money to get him out of jail, on bond...

I have an active imagination, in lieu of facts: A glance in the rearview mirror - police lights - a flurry of activity while "boyfriend" hands heroin to her because - whatever. The police do a check and find outstanding warrants out of Dallas - on BOTH of them (hers should have been cleared, so either she's mistakenly still in system or, ha-ha, I am ill-informed.)

It doesn't really matter, though. She may still be using for all I really know... at the very LEAST, she knows that her "boyfriend" is still using, and that's who she chooses to be with, who she is excited to be having a baby with, who has already lost children due to heroin.

SHE was charged with possession because she had the heroin - not him. (expletive, expletive, expletive.) She has made extremely poor choices, repeatedly, and they are most definitely her choices.

So - according to bondsman, I can pay $1500 to get her released on bond - If I don't she will likely be there in the _____ County Jail for at least 3 months (8 months pregnant) - at which time there may be a reduction in her bond. IF I were to co-sign to have her released from the County Jail, she will be then transferred to Dallas County Jail on her outstanding Dallas warrant. Dallas County Jail is a very bad place. The small county jail she's in now, not so bad - Three meals a day, and no Heroin. I'm not bonding her out (I couldn't if I wanted too) - I think where she is right now is a safer environment for her and her unborn child than where she was in the moments leading up to her being put in jail.

One day at a time.


Norman said...

Anything I can think of to say sounds so lame. She's safe now, Athena. And I'm looking forward to having a newborn in the house :)
I love you MBAD!

Athena said...

That was a wonderful thing to say. You do an excellent thing in listening to me, as I think out loud... Thanks for the pictures. It is quite a task, raising Athena(s), no?

thejunkyswife said...

I am so, so sorry you're experiencing this garbage. I can't imagine how it must hurt, but you sound good. You sound like you're in the right place...hurt and angry and upset but realistic about how these choices are HER choices and that it's not your job to rescue her. I hate that wind-knocked-out-of-your-sails feeling, though, when you think things are going well, and then BAM. They're not. You're in my prayers, my friend, and I hope that your daughter is safe and getting an important life-lesson, cheesy as that might sound.

kel said...

Im so sorry to hear this, you are all in my prayers...


Athena said...

Thank you all for your thoughts - I am trying to think of some books to send to her - while she is a "captive audience" so to speak... any suggestions would be appreciated very much


pat said...

This has to be so hard for you. The entire situation really sucks. You are right about one thing and that is she is probably safer in jail than out on the streets with this guy. I had to make a similar choice when my son was picked up for living in an abandon building. The bond was 230 dollars but I refused to pay it & allowed him to sit in jail. Sadly, he picked up once he was released and then had another stint at rehab. The entire process is so painful to watch. Hugs to you & keep us informed so we can offer support.

Athena said...

Thanks Pat... Kel... Junkyswife.

I feel almost like a "fair weather" blogger, but in an odd reverse - when things are going well, I don't mean not to share the positives, just that I irrationally feel I may jinx something... (Logic has very little to do with all of this, obviously)

And your messages do help more than I can say. I will catch up on your blogs and see if I can possibly return the favor - HUGS, at the very least

kel said...


I can so relate to your feelings of "jinxing" the good times... My blog was initially about my strugle with my oldest son and his substance abuse problems, and I have been reluctant to share about him lately because things are good. And there is no such thing as a fair weathered blogger, we are all in this together!! Hang tough.

Much love to you,


Anonymous said...

you know where she is and like you said she is safe from the drugs my daughter is 5 months also on herion and i think still using and as of wednesday i dont even know where she is also with a herion addict boyfriend i hope she gets arrested horrible right but then i would now she was safe. be Blessed

Sarah said...

I would hope that if she was using again they would give her the proper medical treatment there to make sure she doesn't go into withdrawals while pregnant. Remember when I left you a comment about that forever ago? Although, I think that is only up until a certain point in the pregnancy, and after that it is safe. So she might be fine either way now. And maybe you're right, maybe she isn't and it's all the boyfriend.

The thing is, just don't get yourself too convinced it's either of them. Things change a lot and it's often hard to figure them out. It took me years to "figure out" my mom and I never really did. I used to know mostly when she was using and when she was not and if she was just taking her scripts as they were prescribed and having side-effects or if she was abusing things. But then there were times I had no idea or convinced myself it was something else. And there were plenty of times I went and searched her room and counted all her pills and found nothing. And there were times I did that and found nothing only to see I missed something later, like after she died. I had to have searched her room about 10 times and it wasn't until the 10th or so search that I found this little box full of used syringes and bloody paper towels.

There really was I reason I went way into these personal stories and I hope it got through. Otherwise, just work on yourself. I know it is hard and you want to take care of and love your daughter because that's what mothers are supposed to do, but mostly, take care of yourself. If you really can't get her out, definitely don't worry because there's nothing you can do about it. And you don't want her to go to the worse prison, especially while pregnant, but you wouldn't want her to go at all.

Love her, but also love yourself, and just take in whatever you can handle. Can you do anything about her situation and her behavior? No. Can you do anything if she was using again? No. You can just make sure it doesn't hurt you too much by taking care of you and still love her, but carefully.

That said, if you ever want to talk, you can e-mail me or something. Half my family are drug addicts and my mother was (mostly) an opiate addict. And I've also had a bit of a stint with heroin addiction, too, so I can maybe help give you perspectives on both sides if you ever want.

Sorry that was so long and probably not helpful at all. ):

Athena said...

I'll try to update soon - The "boyfriend's" parents bonded her out a week ago :-(

I had written and gone to visit her, and made it clear I would not bond her out, but once she was released I would get her to rehab and have a place for her and the baby - That's what she said she wanted - she said his parents were raising money to bond her out - I told her that if that happened, it was important for her to COME HOME and if she did my offer still stood.

Of course, she didn't... She was back with him immediately. I am very worried about her lack of comprehension of the seriousness of EVERYTHING.

(Sarah, I DO appreciate all that yu say - I would email you, but don't have an email address... a link to email me is available on my profile page)

maryzoppi said...

my daughter is 5 1/2 months pregnant and just got arrested and is now in jail.

Athena said...

Oh, Mary - I think I know how you must feel. Please keep me updated - ~hugs~

Fractalmom said...

wow. she is safer there. i wish my daughter had been arrested. i begged and begged. and she was dealing heavy too. they didn't have enough evidence. sad. i hope you get the baby. let me know. i post at both tblog and livejournal and occasionally at blogger. all are under fractalmom. email or comment me and let me know how your daughter is doing. i am adding your blog to my rss feed. good luck. dawn.

kel said...

How are you? Hope things are well and your daughter is safe. Please update us soon, we all care.



cornbread hell said...

true dat.

pat said...

I made my website private. Send me your email address so I can send you an invite.

Sterling Easterday said...

Considering where she would’ve ended up with the bail bonds, I think it was right for you to not do that and keep her where she was. I’m sorry that she didn’t come home after she got out. I’m sure you wanted to help her as well as you could. How is she these days? I hope that you two are together and you’re helping her straighten her life out in the best way that you can.

Athena said...

It's been a long and winding road. Two sweet children later, and she is currently in Jail. In many ways we are closer than ever, through writing. She's starting to reflect. She's been out, done well, relapsed.