Thursday, October 22, 2009

Intricate as a Fugue

Wow - what a day. Sure miss servers when they are down! In the world of tech support, especially.

No news to report on the "situation" - I did get a long letter from daughter yesterday, though. Predictable, sad. She sure knows my buttons. I'll breathe deep before replying.  She did request another copy of "rescue this child" poem - I can do that, easily.

Syd's recent post about Beauty prompted me to share this poem here that I ran across in 2005 while husband and I were in the mountains of Texas, and that I have been thinking of lately:

Ars Poetica of a Desert Dweller:

Soon I'll be speeding
Through a cement-sliced canyon
towards wages and work, a steel key turning
In a steel lock, but first I

on my way to the car
and kneel
the better to see a needle-misted cactus

among broken rocks
crowned by a ruby-petalled star
smaller than a fawn spot,
intricate as a fugue. Tiny Flower,

fleck of fire, beauty indifferent
to indifference, teach me.

~ Laura Long

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Paradox Acknowledged

You may remember this post: Oh I Hope Not?

Apparently this is the case. My goodness, when it rains it pours... or it feels that way to me, in the current situation... Much of this has been going on over past few months, and I am only recently learning of it.

5 months pregnant and in jail again. Deja Vous. Chances are likely this child will be born in prison. I stand firm to the ideal that a child is born to responsible, drug-free, law-abiding parents. However, many wonderful people would not be here today is that was the reality. Do I love my daughter? Oh yes. Would I get her out of jail if I was financially able? No. Am I happy that my daughter is pregnant and in jail? No. Can I personally do anything about this current situation? No. Do I have a crystal ball? Obviously not.

Still processing the info - but I have to say again that I have the most beautiful and supportive husband. He doesn't process over-much - He faces life head on and helps me to do the same.

A new life deserves recognition and welcome - this child deserves all of the love and hopes and dreams and prayers that are typically bestowed upon an eagerly anticipated child, this is a firm belief, I have none other that contradict. I shall start making this child a baby blanket, as I did for it's brother.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I Don't Know Much... in this case, that's a lot

Daughter has so far called me twice from jail - this is new - Not new that she is calling me now that she is in trouble, no no, that is the way it's been for past couple of years... but this time she is calling collect - at $9.99 a call - Can't keep that up - Geesh. Before, when she was in this county jail, she called me often, I guess from a guard's cell phone. She's obviously not a trustee these days.

The calls are hard, and I told her I can't accept anymore because of the expense. That's is true, but also because of the emotional toll. As a parent there is a certain tone of voice or cry that we do recognize as genuine hurt, or fear - and as parents, we want to console. And, I can't in this case. I also don't see any point in reminding her NOW that I haven't heard from her since the last time she was in jail and giving lectures... truly, any valid point I have to make does indeed sound like I am doing that. She tells me she was doing so good, was clean, etc, etc... All I know for sure was last I heard from her she was in jail, and now she is in jail again... It does seem to be true that she hasn't gone thru withdrawal like before. BUT - I also know thru others that she isn't telling me everything (obviously.) I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Headed to the fair

I spoke with daughter briefly on the phone the other day - no real updates. Her bond is $200,000 - I think she'll be there a while. I really don't know much else.

Today, husband took some time off and we are taking baby to the State Fair. Of course, it has been raining cats & dogs since about 2am. Who cares! Maybe means less crowded, more for us! Funnel Cakes, here we come!

(Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers... I added a new link - Dad on Fire - what an apropos name, right?)

Friday, October 2, 2009

How many more chances?

My day started out ok - But we all are now familiar with the random phone call that just knocks the breath out of us. I do not know how exactly, but I felt it building.

I am numb, maybe I shouldn't do this, but I feel as if the integrity of this blog is at stake if I do not share this now. As Lou so recently pointed out: "Their entire profile is on the internet at the department of corrections and the county court's website. Uhh, I don't think your blog is any big smear to her reputation."

Yes, yes, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty - but just as true is the concept of guilt by association. The consequences of drug abuse and it's stereo-typical lifestyle cannot be trivialized.

My daughter and her "boyfriend", the parents of my grandson, the focus of this blog are still at large -