Sunday, October 11, 2009

I Don't Know Much... in this case, that's a lot

Daughter has so far called me twice from jail - this is new - Not new that she is calling me now that she is in trouble, no no, that is the way it's been for past couple of years... but this time she is calling collect - at $9.99 a call - Can't keep that up - Geesh. Before, when she was in this county jail, she called me often, I guess from a guard's cell phone. She's obviously not a trustee these days.

The calls are hard, and I told her I can't accept anymore because of the expense. That's is true, but also because of the emotional toll. As a parent there is a certain tone of voice or cry that we do recognize as genuine hurt, or fear - and as parents, we want to console. And, I can't in this case. I also don't see any point in reminding her NOW that I haven't heard from her since the last time she was in jail and giving lectures... truly, any valid point I have to make does indeed sound like I am doing that. She tells me she was doing so good, was clean, etc, etc... All I know for sure was last I heard from her she was in jail, and now she is in jail again... It does seem to be true that she hasn't gone thru withdrawal like before. BUT - I also know thru others that she isn't telling me everything (obviously.) I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child.

Of course, she says she is innocent, unlike all other times, as she pointed out, when she was guilty, she admitted it. The way I see it, this is the 1st time she is in a situation where the consequences of admitting any guilt are so very serious, and so... well... the only thing I am sure of is it's not at all suprising she would claim not guilty. Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. I'll have to wait and see how this plays out just like everyone else.

The circumstantial evidence is so overwhelming. Sigh.


Mom of Opiate Addict said...

I am so sorry you are having to feel this pain, that deep pain only a mother of an addict knows. I hate having to hear my son when he is sad, scared and feeling so alone and KNOWING that nothing I say or do will make any difference. For me it is kind of like being lost in space for a bit. I will pray that whatever has been thrown in her path right now, it will be the thing that turns her life around. Remember that you are helping her by raising her child, such a loving a valuable gift you are giving her.

Madison said...

On the Hazelden website, Rosemary Hartman, the supervisor of the Family Program, asks family members to consider these two questions when it comes to detaching with love. What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help? With that in mind, setting boundaries that allow you to breathe seems healthy for both you and your daughter. Take care of yourself. It's a family disease.

Athena said...

Thank you both for thoughtful comments that help me keep on track; doing only thing/way I know how. So far two collect calls tonight I haven't answered... hard. May have to turn phone off tonight. Sigh.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I am sorry to hear about this, I know how hard it is...I am very bad at not taking calls. Its $5.00 a call from my son plus minutes and has to be pre-paid. I am taking calls and visiting THIS TIME but told him this is the ONLY time.

I know it hurts but like the others said, you are doing the right thing and setting good boundaries. Keep taking care of you.

Fractalmom said...

just hang in there. there is a number you can call to block the calls. if you listen to the beginning of the recording, it will say "if you do not want to receive these calls...." write the number down. then call it.

tough love is tougher than hell.

however, several things to remember.

this is HER problem, caused by HER actions and resulting from HER inability to deal with life. not YOUR problem at all.

one thing bothered me. you said "I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child...."

which sounds like temporary?

and, honestly, at this juncture, i don't think it is. you are not taking care of her child, you are RAISING her child, who is literally now your child, whether or not legally yet.

get the whole "one day she will be okay and she will be able to care for the baby...out of your head.

kids are not something disposable that you can just put on a shelf while you shoot your body full of heroin and then five or six years later say OH!! I'm all done with that now, I'll take my son back.

just my thoughts hon....LOL as always.

quit feeling sorry for her.

Gin said...

I don't know what to say other than I am thinking of you. I wish you the strength and the ability to be able to get through this difficult time. Sending you all of my love.

Syd said...

I'm glad that you are setting some boundaries and taking care of yourself.

Athena said...

Fractal mom - Nooo, not temporary.

Thank you Barbara, Syd and Gin - everyone... it really helps being able to get of my chest here. It really means a lot

Debby of Oxycontin and Opiate Addiction: A Mother's Story said...

Damn. It hurts. We hate to see our kids in pain, but with addiction-- it is all self-inflicted.
You are setting boundaries and it's hard, but it's what we must do. I admire your strength. I'm sorry.