Another Birthday, Continued Hope and Thanks-Giving

Yesterday, my daughter turned 22. Amazing. I am Thankful that she is still alive, and am grateful for a chance to see her today after so many months of "not knowing" - It is a gift to me each time I can hold her and tell her that I love her, and that I believe in her strength.

She seems to be at a fork in the road - she's been here before, yes - but for her birthday, as a gift, I am believing in her. While she was here she made a call to Nexus Recovery. They do not have a detox bed until possibly Wednesday, and a counselor will call her then. I pray she is still determined on Wednesday.

I also spoke with a kind soul, Doug Y.,  from the Dallas chapter of Heroin Anonymous; it just means so much when you get a call from somewhere like that and they are "real" - I felt the care in his voice, and it meant so much.

And then I read Cassie's blog and I cried.


I am doing this mobile, so not sure if I can add recent pictures of Landon until tomorrow... But I do have a video to share from last week. He is healthy and happy and a joy to all. I have recently seen Landon's "Sissy" Kaylee. She is staying with the other grandparents, and is healthy, sweet and sassy - much like her mother at that age (almost 2!) - She and Landon are very close and that is a joy to me.

I better go to bed - but on this special day I wanted to put forward some encouraging and loving words to my daughter. I hope you all are able to take the time this week to give thanks for the small gifts that surround us every day.

Using Again... All The Signs are There

Landon turned 3 on the 24th... My, how time flies. He's doing great.

I haven't seen Amanda in a few weeks. For a while she was in touch,and brought Kaylee to see me. She looked good and her outlook was positive. My biggest concern was the fact that she had taken up 100% with "boyfriend" once he got out of jail. She was doing so well without him.

Those who have seen her regularly say she is using again. Her father, who she and "boyfriend" were living with, told me of paraphernalia found, and "using behavior." When confronted by him she did not deny it. In telling me this, he asked me not to say anything to Amanda, and I didn't. However, when we met the other grandparents soon after to exchange Landon, they also expressed concerns and felt the "kids" needed to be drug-tested. I told them what was told to me.

Ah - the drama starts again... The other grandparents told them to take a drug test or give them Kaylee, or else they would call CPS. End result is that Kaylee is with her grandparents. This much is encouraging.

I am haunted by this song and the senseless tragedy of Amy Winehouse's addiction. I was also moved by this tribute from Russell Brand and what he says about addiction


Amy Winehouse - Rehab by Henrietta-Aime-Fumer_Tv

My Daughter Is A Strong Woman

It's been so long since I've updated... My daughter is doing great, and I am thankful every day to be able to say that. Especially on this 100th anniversary of International Women's Day.

She has travelled a road that many do not survive, but I believe in her. In her strength, and goodness, and her desire to be a good mother. She's sober, and working hard. She is beautiful and healthy and smart. She is surrounded by family and love, and I know she can do anything she sets herself to do.

Today I feel the purpose of my blog has changed; I feel the story is an important one, though, so I'll keep it up. She's not quite sure how to take this blog - it certainly is my side of where we have been... After all of this time, she has grown from a child into a woman, and she finally understands I was never "fighting" her, I was "fighting" heroin. Perhaps one day my daughter will co-blog with me? We'll see. I have been inspired by so many others, and I hope she will be as well. She can be an inspiration, too.

Stay strong and don't give up... This community of parents has been a life-saver to me. I try to check in on all of my friends here; I'll try harder - because I truly do care.

One step at a time, moving forward...

Mom Stuff... and Wishing You All Safe Holidays

November 21st, My daughter turned 21.  It is so sad and ironic that when all of this started she was 17, and counting the days until she would be "free" of parental restrictions.

I have not heard from her, still.  I did find out that she can receive electronic messages and pictures via "jpay" while she is in state jail - and so I sent her a message and some pictures ... and even $20 for commissary - I can do that on her birthday...  It is always harder on her birthday... and Thanksgiving.

I would have written, but I am still not sure exactly what facility she is in - but Jpay only requires her State CID # - something like that... I am thankful I had some way to try to reach her on her Birthday.

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Happy Birthday, Honey. I am not sure you will get this in time, but I hope of course that you know I am thinking of you always, and especially so on your Birthday. I miss you every day, like I am sure you miss your children - that will never change. Your Birthday and Thanksgiving will never seem complete when you are not here. It's been so long.

I am sure there are reasons you have not written - I just want to be sure you know that no matter what, I love you. You are my baby.

Speaking of babies, Landon and Kaylee are doing very well. I have attached recent pictures of them, I hope that you get them. I do not have so many of Kaylee. I see her when we exchange Landon - she is always so sweet and if she's awake, she is smiling. Your sister brought her for the day not too long after you went to LS, and she was just starting to crawl... and very playful. The only thing was when she got sleepy, she was not very patient with regular back-patting or rocking. Finally, I took her to a quiet room without BOYS and tried to do what I imagined you might do. I held her to my chest and swayed side to side, and sang "silent night." She immediately relaxed, and let herself fall asleep in my arms. It may be a coincedence, but that is also what always worked with you when you were a baby.

Landon - well - what a talker! He is so smart, and funny. And SMART. He is weaning himself from his pacifier (his dada) - but still likes it when he goes to sleep. The other night when we wre getting ready for bed, he went in the playroom to get his dada while I was putting dishes up. He came running back looking upset and said "where's my dada?" (Yes, he talks that well!) - I told him it was in the playroom and he said it wasn't, so I went with him to show him - and he was right, it was not where I KNEW he had left it. I turned around & started looking thru his toys, and then he said "It's hid-in-ing!" - I followed him to the futon where he has pillows and stuffed animals, and had to laugh when he got a mischeivious look in his eyes and said "Theres it is! It was hid-in-ing!" and reached behind his monkey and pulled out his dada! He sure was proud of that joke, and I admit he got me good. :-)

These sweet children remind me so much of you, Amanda. So much. I have attached a picture of 1 - Landon at the park, 2- Pirate Landon on Halloween, 3- Landon asleep with "Buzz Woody" - his favorite movie is Toy Story 3... And 4 - Miss Kaylee taken recently in Terrell.

I hope you will write, Sweetheart, but if you don't, please know I am thinking about you, and worrying about you, and loving you.

I will never forget my cabbage patch baby born November 21st, 1989. I look forward to the day when we are together again on your birthday and the holidays. You have a family who loves you and misses you, and only wants all of the good things for you that you are capable of achieving. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. (I will also send some birthday money thru Jpay - I hope you can use it for some comforts. I wish it was a better birthday, Honey. It seems it will not get to you by Sunday, either, but I am sending it as soon as I finish this letter.
 
I  love you,
 
Mom

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I hope you all have a Wonderful, Thankful Holiday

Quiet time... Not Likely

I have been waiting for some solitude to put in an update and do justice to the whole complicated situation. But, I don't really see any solitude or quiet moments of reflection in the near future... that is not a negative in many ways - the time away from the demands of my job is best spent with my husband and Landon and the children who are running the typical gamut of young adulthood... and, it is my pleasure to be involved in the "normal" madness.

We recently celebrated my eldest son's 30th birthday and his engagement to his long time girlfriend. Such a wonderful thing... enjoyed time spent with my 2nd eldest daughter, discussing her challenges with her pre-teen sons and her precocious 5 year old... 3rd eldest is preparing for deployment to Afghanistan and that makes time with him important... 4th eldest daughter has flown the nest and it is fascinating watching her balance work and "life" and how well she seems to be doing it... the youngest daughter is one of the most responsible young ladies I have ever met... not only taking classes and working, but also dedicated to Landon as much as any parent ever was dedicated to a child - she has been with him since day one, and actually we have to help her remember to make time for herself.

And then, there is our addicted one... my youngest, our second to youngest, the subject of this blog... (Norm and I each have three children from previous marriage.) She has been sentenced to State Jail for at least 6 months... she may also get additional time for heroin possession charge that she was on probation for out of different county. "Boyfriend" also got some state jail time - 8 months - for the endangerment to a child charge. Ironically, if he hadn't involved Kaylee in his get-away attempt, I think he'd probably be out again already. My daughter now has a longer rap sheet than he does. I really have difficulty wrapping my head around that. It is what it is...


CPS sent us a letter only last week, a form letter, thanking us for our interest and advising that they investigated the situation and found no basis for a case. Yes - Mom and Dad are both in jail, baby was involved in a crime, everything is OK! I can't really wrap my brain around that one either. Kaylee does seem to be ok for the time being - she is crawling now. We see her when we exchange Landon with the other grandparents, and my 2nd eldest daughter has brought her to visit a couple of times when she watched her for a day or a weekend.

I haven't heard a word from my daughter - unlike all other times, she has not written me even to ask for money. I have written her a couple of times just to let her know I love her and to send her the "Rescue this Child" poem. What else is there to say that hasn't been said in other letters to her in lock-up? It may finally be shame she is feeling - I know she bonded with Kaylee. I don't think it is my place right now to add to that... and if she isn't feeling remorse, what would be the point of communicating any other message? I think she probably wasn't using, except maybe started again shortly before the arrest in August. I have heard there was friction between her and "boyfriend" because he had been using... All I know for sure is she was arrested again - with him - and allowed her daughter to be put in harm's way.

I think I was almost hoping she would get out as in the past and have time with her daughter without "boyfriend" calling the shots - but really, it isn't just his influence on her. It's the whole situation and the decisions she has made - if not him, there is no reason at this point to think there would be anything to keep her from continuing to make poor decisions

And... Life goes on. It's not all bad, it's mostly good. And for now, I know where everyone is and that they are safe (relatively speaking.)

Landon is officially in his "terrible twos" ... meaning, he's hitting all of the landmarks and is doing well. Look at that face and that smile - Who needs solitude? Ok, Ok... anyway, when it's calm, we are usually sleeping :-)

Define "Best Interest of the Child"

Daughter and "boyfriend" remain in Dallas County Jail... CPS has no open case on Kaylee. She is with the other grand-parents still. They told me that Kaylee was "placed" with them, but CPS has told us that there has been no official placement.  We are at an impasse there -

I do not know all of the details, but my daughter's bond amount is now $150,000.00. Her recent theft charges are enhanced previous convictions and violation of probabtion. I don't think she will be getting out soon, but I have been wrong before.  The irony is that "Boyfriend's" total bond amount is less than $3500.00; $1500 of which is for the charge of Abandon/Endanger Child by Criminal Negligence. HE could be released any day.

Based on what I know, when arrested, "boyfriend" took off running with Kaylee in a carrier, tossed her across front seat of car and attempted a get away. Thankfully the officers on the scene stopped him. At some point he was "tazed." (I must admit that I would get great satisfaction if I could have seen that taser action. Sorry, but it's true.) THANK GOD for the quick actions of the Garland PD - I still get nauseous thinking what would have happened if a high chase pursuit had ensued with Kaylee in front seat, unsecured.

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Just When You Least Expect It ....

I swear, I was going to post something - something good. I swear it - and I had come THIS close to accepting that me blogging something positive would not "jinx" any thing... I guess I learned for sure that my daughter's situation happens whether I weigh in or not, or... or... Just thinking about writing something positive is enough to tilt the world on it's axis.

Truth is, I wanted to say I thought she was doing well - I have seen her a few times, briefly, when she has ridden along with the other grandparents when it was time to exchange Landon for his visits.  She looked good - I've seen more of Kaylee because my other daughter was babysitting her while A went to work. To Work! She was working - I was excited about that. So, when I have seen her she's looked  - well, like a tired mom. But what I have worried about is I haven't seen or heard much of anything about "the boyfriend" - and I still believe anyone who chooses his life chooses trouble. I would really like to be wrong about that.

Anyway - short of it is they are both in jail as of last Wednesday. Caught shoplifting is what my daughter told me when she finally called me because... well, because that's the only time I really hear from her.. and since no one got her out before she finally called me.  I will never get over how hard it is to take those calls. Anyway, she told me she hadn't talked to anyone. She was deperate to get out "cause I have to go to work" - I got off the phone, took a breath... then...

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