Saturday, March 21, 2009
Last Saturday, I did take the baby to visit with my daughter, his mother, in jail... And, I believe it was the right thing to do, for the right reasons...
It was surreal, with the glass partition and trying to hold the phone to his ear ... and making sure he didn't get it in his mouth or touch anything! LOL... (She is a trustee and cleans the lobby and visitation area, and told me she went xtra heavy on the Lysol in case I brought Baby.) He sat in front of his mom and smiled the winning smile - they played peek-a-boo, they made each other laugh - they made me laugh, too. She looked healthy for the first time in a long time... every time she put her hand up on the glass, he put his up to "touch" it. She got teary a few times, but said she had resolved not to cry because she didn't want to "scare" him... It was a nice visit. She was my daughter, not the hollow shell I've grown to dread seeing. And, she saw, really SAW him - for the first time without heroin clouding her vision. She has court next week on her possession charge, and it is actually the same judge who handled the custody case - this is what she wrote to me after the visit:
"I'm so happy I got to see you and [Baby], thank you so much. The guard on shift... told me when you were leaving that my son is gorgeous. All the officers I work w/ here were very happy I got to see him. That night when I was cleaning the lobby and visit area I showed the woman and officer I work with his hand print on the glass. lol! I got a little sad when I came back, but I just read your poem and I was ok...
I thought about what you said about rehab and I'm gonna ask Judge ---- if she will court appoint me to one. That really is the best thing for me. I thought maybe I should just do time or probabtion but, just leaving here the way I came in doesn't look promising, I can't lie to myself anymore. I still want heroin on a daily basis. I need help learning how to live w/ that. Also, if I did take probation I'm not sure that would work. I don't have a car or a job -I need my diloma or GED and I can't expect anyone to bend over backwards even more, so that I can pay my PO and get to and from the office. It's my responsibility. The only downside to rehab (Besides not going straight home, lol) is that I will have to stay in jail most likely until a bed is available. I will admit I am not very fond of going to rehab but, I need it for myself, my family, and my son. I need to prove to myself to my famiily also, I know it will be very hard for anyone to trust me w/out outside help w/ my addiction. I really don't want to use anymore but, I don't know how to fight it alone. ... Oh yeah, I accidently broke a picture of the old jail in the lobby! Oops! I knocked it off the wall with my broomstick. I miss you, I miss [Baby]... He took my breath away. That's the only reason I have to go to rehab. But after I'm there I'll know I did it for myself too."
Hope Springs Eternal. I am not a religious person in the way I see a lot of my fellows here are, I am also not an "Al-anon person" .... but I do believe that the world would be a mighty frightening place without faith in a higher power. The poem my daughter referred to isn't something I wrote, it's more of a prayer that I ran across a few years ago - in one of my last letters I wrote it out for her, and it seems to have struck a chord and she refers to it often:
Rescue This Child - by Marjorie Holmes
Oh, God, please help my child. She has no direction, no goal. She's wandered away from so much that she used to be, or that you, her creator, would have her be.
And I am not only worried sick about this, God, I feel guilty. I search my own behavior asking, "Why? Why? What have we done to bring this about? Where have we, her family, failed? That she, with all her goodness and beauty, her brains, her tremendous potential, should be so lost. Right now it's as if she's nobody going nowhere, at a time when the rest of the world is on its way.
Dear God, please find and restore my wandering child. Arouse in her a sense of purpose, steady her, set her upon her rightful path, and walk with her.
We who love her can't do it. Only you who love her even more can do it.
I offer her to you now, whole and beautiful and filled with promise, the way you sent her to us.
Posted by Athena at 1:33 PM