Saturday, March 7, 2009

The Nanny Chronicle

Well, I had to let another "Nanny" go... So I had some help at work last week, ha ha. Since I work from home, we really want to be able to keep Baby at home - we have tried live-in and live out arrangements, both. Main problem is what we can afford versus what the "rich" people can afford - Some nannies want as much as I earn! Not that I don't think childcare providers and educators shouldn't be one of the higher paid professions, or that my job is more important than a caregiver's - no, no... Just, if we could afford that, we wouldn't need the help, Alas. When my children were babies I was fortunate to be a full time mom - my rule was no day care until they were old enough to tell me about their day... I don't know how to make a new rule for this child.

Among things I had no knowledge of this time last year is RAD - "Reactive Attachment Disorder" - something of a concern with heroin babies... and we are very careful that the baby isn't affected - He is healthy and happy and secure, and we plan on keeping him that way.

There are times I feel so sad that we have this "Nursery" with a bed, desk, hi-speed internet and a warm family to share with a live-in caregiver of this child - No housework, not 3-5 children - No weekends or evenings (He sleeps with us)... 15-20 hours a week, mostly in the afternoon. Monthly Salary. Perfect for a college student. PERFECT for my daughter, his mother, if only... the "nursery" is the room that used to be hers... and that we lovingly redecorated up in hopes that she would be coming home with her child last summer.

Anyway - will keep doing our best - what else can we do? (My husband got a raise yesterday - WOOT!)

The letters between my daughter and I continue, and I am guardedly optimistic that she is "hearing" me and others who care about her right now... she's a "captive audience." She's clean, she's not with the "boyfriend", she is a "trustee" and able to make occasional phone calls. She's sad and homesick and thinking a lot about her child and is ashamed that she doesn't know him.

I have followed other parents' blogs who have children who are just now getting out of jail - I realize that this relative peace within me right now is because she's locked up, I know where she is, I am not dreading late phone calls or wondering if she is alive or dead. Evntually she will get out, and have choices to make... and the irony is, the "right" choices also mean a lot of hard work for her. I wish I was confident that she'll at least try. I do not do jail - I don't bail her out and I do not visit... and I swore I would never take the baby to visit in jail... but now I am thinking maybe I should - just once - she has never seen him while her head was clear. I think maybe this is an opportunity I don't want to miss - let her see this sweet, happy, adorable child - and then after we leave, that much more for her to think about - the reality.

I can send her spritual and educational books straight from Amazon- any suggestions? I sent a Chicken Soup For The Unsinkable Soul book - and they wouldn't let her have it.

Ahh - the letter Game - I forgot! Annette played and offered anyone interested, a letter. I took her up on it and my letter is D. If anyone else would like to play let me know and I will pass a letter your way ... Here goes:

Daughter - I am one, I have 4... the one who is subject of this blog, my baby, 19 years old, beautiful, intelligent, funny and for the past 2 years, lost - and my oldest daughter, who is one of my big delights and supports, and mother herself to 3 boys, she is 26 - then I have the honor of being "step-mom" to 2 delightful and beautiful young women, 18 & 21 who are daughters of my heart and make me proud... "A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart." ~Author Unknown

Dependent - To my life right now, the irony of this word is mind-boggling
  • relying on or requiring a person or thing for support, supply, or what is needed; "dependent children"; "dependent on moisture"
  • contingent on something else
  • (of a clause) unable to stand alone syntactically as a complete sentence; "a subordinate (or dependent) clause functions as a noun or adjective or adverb within a sentence"
  • pendent: held from above; "a pendant bunch of grapes"
  • subject: being under the power or sovereignty of another or others; "subject peoples"; "a dependent prince"
  • dependant: a person who relies on another person for support (especially financial support)
  • addicted to a drug
Do Unto Others - The Golden Rule is a principle I try to live daily

Diapers - Ha ha - they are so cool now! Disposable, velcro like tabs, soft... a far cry from what was available 20 years ago!

Decisions - Every day we come to proverbial forks in the road, and make choices... little or big, the impact of our decisions can be huge... the path taken may eventually lead to the same point, but it is often an act of faith when we start down it. Keep moving forward, and be prepared for detours, another fork ahead


Laura said...

What a safe and loving environment you've provided for your precious gift....

I didn't do jail to much either with Cliff. I went 2 times in 12 months. I used to feel so sad for the families with all the children coming to see the parent. If you are asking for an opinion or thought, I would say that if you are truly sensing a change in your visit with handsome boy won't be harmful to anyone and just might continue to spur her on to seek out something beyond what she's been experiencing. Little guy won't remember it...

You and hubby have my complete admiration and support for the way you've managed this turn of events... and your daughter may yet come over the line for good.

Hoping and praying she does.


Fractalmom said...

I love you.

Lou said...

I visit my son once a month (2 hour drive each way). He is in a level 1, so I'm allowed physical contact. There are always children there. Up to a certain age they do not seem to realize the situation, and interact with the parent. I would take the child.
In the world of heroin, you're daughter has not been been using that long (2 years?). I would have hope, and do a little research if she can be released to a 6-9 month treatment program. Something nontraditional, i.e., by us there is a farm. It's a 6 month program involving animals & gardening, etc. They have a great success rate, and a sliding fee scale. Of course, she has to want it.
I send my son the classics (Google 100 greatest books). Lord of the Flies, One Flew Over the CooCoo Nest, Catch-22, 1984, the Heart is a Lonely Hunter. We talk about the books on my visits; reading is a bond we share. I do not send Koontz, Patterson, etc. I do not send self help books. We have a joke that at the rate he is going he will have the 100 greatest books read by age 30.
I love hearing from you.

Isle Dance said...

What a beautiful thing. Trust your gut. Do what you believe to be the best thing, in this moment. Rules change. It's okay to change your mind. Either way. Now or later.

pat said...

Wonderful insightful post. I never did jail either.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

(I had to make my blog invite only and would like to invite you, can you email me at so I can send you one, that is if you want to keep reading. In case you don't know, this is Barbara from Prodigal Daughter. Thanks!)