Saturday, August 22, 2009

Oh, I hope not

Ever been relaxing, reading a book, drifting off to sleep and have a bone-jarring thought?
I did last night.

What if she's pregnant again?

Could that be why no one has seen or heard from her lately?

There are other explanations, of course. I sure hope so.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

I miss her, conditionally

I miss my daughter.

A few times this weekend I've let my thoughts "go there" - and quickly retreated, cause it hurts.

I haven't heard from her in months... neither have other family members, which is different than it's been before. I miss the letters from jail... for a while there was steady communication - I know it won't be there, but I still am letdown when there is nothing in the mailbox. Sigh. She knows how to call, write or visit.

I saw her a couple of times briefly, and she didn't look like anyone I know. Truthfully, I do not miss "that" person... but I mourn for the sweet, sassy daughter that was.

I also feel guilty, because I could attempt to reach out to her - the "boyfriend's" family could probably get a message to her. BUT - what I don't miss are the drama calls... I'm pretty sure she isn't in touch cause she doesn't want my no-money, no-enabling, no-BS brand of mothering. I'm sure she knows I love her.

I just miss my daughter. Baby is with other grandparents this weekend - and I had two days off of work... "quiet time" doesn't do me as much good as it seems it would in theory, ha ha... Between work and the baby, I have a pretty good outlet for maternal feelings and a feeling of control over outcomes. Busy is good.