Sunday, August 9, 2009

I miss her, conditionally

I miss my daughter.

A few times this weekend I've let my thoughts "go there" - and quickly retreated, cause it hurts.

I haven't heard from her in months... neither have other family members, which is different than it's been before. I miss the letters from jail... for a while there was steady communication - I know it won't be there, but I still am letdown when there is nothing in the mailbox. Sigh. She knows how to call, write or visit.

I saw her a couple of times briefly, and she didn't look like anyone I know. Truthfully, I do not miss "that" person... but I mourn for the sweet, sassy daughter that was.

I also feel guilty, because I could attempt to reach out to her - the "boyfriend's" family could probably get a message to her. BUT - what I don't miss are the drama calls... I'm pretty sure she isn't in touch cause she doesn't want my no-money, no-enabling, no-BS brand of mothering. I'm sure she knows I love her.

I just miss my daughter. Baby is with other grandparents this weekend - and I had two days off of work... "quiet time" doesn't do me as much good as it seems it would in theory, ha ha... Between work and the baby, I have a pretty good outlet for maternal feelings and a feeling of control over outcomes. Busy is good.


Found on another blog, I love this creative mix - beautiful & whimsical...



My daughter would have loved it, too

14 comments:

Lee of MWOB said...

Hi - I am visiting for the first time and I've been reading some posts and I am in tears. As a mother of three little ones, I can not imagine what you are dealing with .... the poem in your sidebar says it all so beautifully and with such heartache and heartbreak.

What a good mama you are....and how beautiful is that grandson of yours....

Thinking of you....and sending you continued strength...from one mama to another...

Lee

Athena said...

welcome Lee - and thank you

~hugs~

pat said...

Thinking about you and how difficult this is for you.

Lou said...

I know how you feel.

Annette said...

God Im so sorry. This hurts. I'm sorry you are going through it.

mother of drug addict said...

Good thoughts coming your way !! Hold your grandbaby and remember she can still change there is always hope.

Fractalmom said...

i'm sorry. you know you are slipping, but you know how to keep it going.

for what it's worth, i still miss my little girl.

but she is dead. the person walking around in her body isn't her.

it's a junkie. period.

if I could ever have my daughter back, i would give up almost anything to do it. but i can't. she's gone.

i love you. hold landon and let it help. it's really all that does.

Marsha said...

I'm so sorry. I can at this time only imagine the grief you have in dealing with this. I fear I have a son going this direction, and I soon may also be in your same shoes. I hope not, but I can only imagine the heartache of what you've lost.

Madison said...

Addicts cannot comprehend the heartache and loss. Such seasons of loss, pits so deep you don't think you'll ever come out. But you will. The game is not over yet.

Syd said...

I am sure that you do miss her. I hope that she will be back to you as the daughter that you know soon.

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I'm so sorry. Reading your post I can literally feel your pain in my heart. I hope you hear something positive soon.

Her Big Sad said...

I am so sorry. I truly hope you hear something encouraging, and soon! Landon is so blessed to have you.

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain. My attachment to the addict is painful. Sometimes I try bypassing the addict when I talk to my loved one. I tell them, I am NOT talking to the addict but to you (name) who I know still resides in there. I often doubt if the 'real' person actually hears me but it makes me feel like I have communicated to my loved one. I am told that the addict does not know or care how much I think and worry about them. I feel they are spiritually dead...heroin is their master. I wonder if some day they will arise out of the fire and ash. One day at a time is the best I can do.

ChaiLatte said...

I'm so sorry for your pain Athena. There are no words to fully describe that pain. I felt it for 5 months and I still don't know how I managed to get through it, other than by God's grace. I'm very certain that your daughter knows you love her dearly. I pray that the "real" her emerges soon... Hugs.