Tuesday, August 5, 2008

How could she choose ANYTHING over this child?

We are brushing up on our newborn skills and doing quite nicely - no withdrawal signs at all in the little guy, Thank God... Went to the "Family Meeting" late friday at CPS - the "boyfriend's" parents were there, and his great grand-mother... they were very defensive right off the bat, about the previous children that their son lost custody of and the fact that when they visited this new grandbaby in the hospital and at our home, the visit was supervised by me and my husband ... It is so frustrating that people try to make our efforts to protect this child as something personal against them. Yes, the visits were supervised because they were in the company of my daughter and "boyfriend", their son ...
I do not know much about them except that their son, who I find out is still married, got my daughter hooked on heroin and pregnant when she was 17... I do NOT hold them accountable for their son's behaviors, except where their actions have actually, in my opinion, harmed MY loved ones. I do not think they are bad people, but I do believe that they are weak when it comes to their addict son. I would like to print out for them a recent blog by DHAM about enabling: DHAM !! DaughterHeroinAddict Moms: Nar Anon, Al Anon

ANYWAY - they went on and on about the fact that they have a very large extended family as a support system, that they are Christians, and that he is a mason and she is an "Eastern Star" - so they have a "lodge family" ... they and their son's paternal grandmother passed back ground checks and the new family plan states that they have "equal possession" to Baby. It makes me very uncomfortable. They actually took him with them after the meeting for the night - along with my daughter and her "boyfriend" who are still not allowed unsupervised contact or overnight visits with the baby - We found out shortly after that they were going to great grandmother's house to be "supervised" until the grandparents got off work.

IT WAS HORRIBLE to hand him over. It's really not personal, I don't think that the other grand parents are bad people... But the baby was just 1 week old Friday - Never in a million years would we have let any of our children out of our sight for an hour at that age, let alone over-night. I talked to the other grandmother about an hour after we left him and she said that my daughter and "boyfriend" had gone swimming! Part of their family plan is that they are to seek immediate in-patient rehab, so it naturally makes sense to his family that they went swimming? A week after a c-section?

When we went the next morning to get Baby (a meeting place that was a 30 minute drive for both sides) the other grandmother was alone and tired (I actually like her, she seems warm and kind, but very defensive of her son) - So much for the extended family and lodge and church support system. I was terribly disappointed that neither my daughter or anyone else rode with her to help with the baby, as he was in the back seat, in a rear facing car seat ...1 week old! But I am quickly becoming not much suprised, Alas. When we got the baby back the next day he slept for 8 hours straight... during the day.

I haven't heard from my daughter at all yesterday - since leaving the hospital text messages or token phone calls is pretty much it, but have occurred daily ... she has only come here once with "boyfriend" and his parents, and then of course to the family meeting Friday. The difference this week is that the "boyfriend's" parents and sister went to the coast for vacation, they left Sunday... supposedly my daughter & "boyfriend" didn't go with them... I know he has a court date on Thursday, and they are supposed to be getting into rehab... The big thing I feel is they must be free-falling right now with no "boyfriend's parents" giving them rides, feeding them, etc... I imagine they left them money, and well, you know.

OTHER THAN ALL THAT - everything is wonderful - he is a beautiful, peaceful, alert baby... burping, peeing and pooping in all the right places and times. My husband is possibly a better handler than I am - lol... he really is great. As I'm sure you can imagine, the biggest issue we face isn't lack of sleep, smelly shirts, the shock of diaper and formula costs, or the lack of sex (smile) ... it is the overwhelming attachment to this baby that began before he was even born and has only grown more fierce each day and the eagerness to get him safely and securely, LEGALLY, in our care - I have no intentions of this precious child being "a test" to see if my daughter, her "boyfriend" (who is still married to heroin addict mom of other children they have lost) and his family are ready to be responsible for him. No way.

I can only assume she is using again. There is no doubt that so far she has chosen "boyfriend" over her child.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

He is just beautiful! And so alert! I'm keeping you all in my thoughts.

kel said...

What a beauty!! And how wonderful you are to take on this challenge, it willnot be an easy journey for sure. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers each and every day.

Laura said...

You and your husband are blessed and a blessing to step in and take action. The demanded visits may quickly take a slide once the reality of life comes back into play. I'm sorry your daughter isn't choosing what we all would hope for but at least it's obvious little wonder boy is being so well loved and cared for that he is surely thriving. Just look at him! Pure beauty.

Prayers and more from my heart to yours.

Fractalmom said...

all I can say is


pat said...

I understand your frustration. I understand the attachment a grandmother can have to her grandchild. I am not sure what the other "mother" can do to make "her" son get clean & sober. He has to want it for himself. I wonder if she feels the same frustration about her son as you do about your daughter? Your daughter needs to want it too. Hugs to you and that little baby.

Athena said...

Pat - If it sounds like I'm being hypocritical, that isn't how I mean to be... I understand that they cannot control whether he is an addict or not... but 10 years later they are still doing everything for him, and he has absolutely no motivation to get clean... And to me, that translates into also enabling my daughter - which I do resent.

They seem unable to say no to him, and my very real concern is that they will not put the baby first, anymore than they did there other grandchildren. I feel strongly that there is hope for my daughter, but until that day comes, I cannot risk her losing her child the way his other children were lost - I am doing this for her, too... It is a very real possibility that her parental rights will be terminated - and unless I am proactive, we all could lose rights to him.

Lou said...

God has given this baby the gift of a healthy start. What a relief that must have been. Now the hard work does indeed start, the legalities, etc. but you are on it and up to it.
It's so wonderful to see that face!

Pam said...

The women I know in the program always say that since their children are being well cared for by their parents...that there really is no need to clean up. My daughter felt the same way when her 3 yr. old went to live with his father. (???) They all seem to think that they have become excellent Mothers by doing what is right for the child. Which everyone is re-enforcing by saying..."oh don't worry, he is in a safe and loving place, and they can care for him much better than you can right now." Hence, no need to hurry into recovery.
I find it so odd that they never think of the poor care giver.

Fractalmom said...

the only problem Pam, is that you can't play around with the safety of children. So, maybe taking their children away from them does facilitate them not having the responsibility. And it might actually make them finally give up drugs. Course, the odds aren't good. Say, for instance, that every 1 baby in 25 that is left with an addict dies from either neglect or something like that. That doesn't sound too bad, unless the one that dies is your grandchild.

So, my attitude is too f'ing bad. I'm taking the kid.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful baby Athena!!! Congratulations and good luck sweetie!