Sunday, April 5, 2009

Yeah. Right.

Today, I just think it's all still BS - MAYBE she was sincere in her last letter, or maybe she is still just manipulating me. Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely. "Little things" mean a lot in this drama, and are very revealing.

Recently the other grandparents told us we need to change the baby's name on his pediatrician records. TOLD us - nothing subtle or diplomatic about them... we on the other hand try to be reasonable and keep our exchanges with them civil... Anyway, to go back in time a bit: when baby was born, "boyfriend" wasn't there because he got arrested that day. He didn't sign the birth certificate, although he was released from jail later the night the baby was born and camped out at hospital til baby was discharged... He DID NOT WANT his name on there because of CPS records concerning his other children.

Medical records, since day one, have had my daughter's last name as Baby's last name. After a few weeks (& after CPS became involved anyway) a birth certificate name change was filed, so that "boyfriend's" last name replaced my daughter's. Fine. By then the baby was already on my insurance and so at the pediatrician's office we added "boyfriend's" last name, hyphenated to his chart.

I asked my daughter about legally changing the baby's name to include her name, you know, hyphenated. This was in a letter I wrote to her last week. She called last night to tell me that she expected to be released soon from the county jail she is in now... she went with getting felony theft charge dropped and time-served, counter to what she had written... and "boyfriend" went for the same thing. As for the name issue, she told me she "didn't want to make any decisions in jail" - What? "Mom, I just don't want to make any decisions like this now..." What? "Mom! He's his father, they feel strongly about this, it's tradition..."

See - she's thinking she's about to get out. It's all about the "boyfriend" once again. She thinks I'm upset about the name. True, I was dismayed about that - I really did not expect her to say no... But what the baby's name is isn't as important as WHY... Why is because she doesn't want to hurt him and his family, doesn't want to go against something THEY feel so strongly about. Because he is the father of her child and she plans on being with him when she gets out of jail. This is not a good sign.

Where, in their traditional family values and mores is it ok that their 26 year old son impregnated a 17 year old girl while they were both addicted to heroin... While he is still married to a woman he has fathered three other children with? Three other children he has had his parental rights to terminated, because heroin was more important? This family that knew they were doing heroin while she was pregnant and made no efforts to intervene - in fact covered and lied for them.

Great. Just great. A little later I learned that the OTHER County, last week, returned a grand jury indictment against her for her heroin possession charge - you know, the arrest when she was 5 months pregnant, holding for him when they got pulled over on a traffic stop. Nice. He gets out soon. She gets transferred to another county and will likely be looking at 1-2 years additional jail time - if she's lucky.

I will continue to protect this baby. My daughter and her boyfriend's feelings be damned. (Baby is crawling now - all over the place... he's safe, Thank God... although it is very worrisome to me that "boyfriend" will soon be out of jail, and I can only pray that the other grandparents will make sure his contact, when they have Baby on visitations, is supervised)

PS - I am reading a book - devouring it actually - that I highly recommend: "Come Back: A Mother and Daughter's Journey Through Hell and Back (P.S.)" by Clair and Mia Fontaine. It's the Mother-Daughter equivelant of "Beautiful Boy"


Annette said...

I read that is a good one. I hear your frustration and understand. I am going to email you privately....

Annette said...

OOps, I don't have your email again...sorry. I never added it to my address book. Email me if you feel like it.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I hear your frustration too. Wow. Lots to deal with. Hoping for the best for you. Landon is crawling :) that's fun.

Isle Dance said...

I think you are so very right. I'm sorry. Keep up the good fight. And know...the baby will grow up to make his own decisions, based on the love he was shown. So there is always hope.

Fractalmom said...


Tell Mr. Athena to work on a court order for THIRD PARTY supervision when Asshole gets out, and third party does NOT MEAN HIS PARENTS !!!!!!

My prayers and thoughts are with you both (oops, all three LOL).

Lou said...

I read that book, I had mixed reactions. The mother is controlling beyond any normal way. She was going to change her daughter, she didn't care what method it took or how much it cost. Oh, and how much it way beyond the means of most of us.

Your opinion..can you talk her into getting her tubes tied? It will be difficult to find a doctor because she is young, but not impossible. It is a very reversible procedure if things change.

I know you will fight the good fight for your grandson.

Athena said...

I agree Lou that the "fix" isn't something I can afford, nor most of us... the part of this book, as well as in Beautiful Boy (which "fix" I can't afford either)that moves me is the raw emotion - the truth of how ugly it all can be. It's ok to get tired, angry, hopeful, scared...

But the ending of both are a bit discouraging - I do not have the resources financially or emotionally, nor can I risk the toll on the rest of the family to fore her into rehab... Although I have tried.

But... I'll be here WHEN she is ready.

Tubes tied? I can't even get her to take birth control or a shower. Nor do I believe she is hopeless as far as one day being a whole person, one who can have a family and a happy life. Norplant would be good, though, and should be mandatory.

What a mess.

mother of drug addict said...

Great book ! I read it and my oldest daughter read it. keep up the fight, the baby needs someing in his corner!!!

pat said...

Disease of addiction is so strong. I am sure if father was not interested in the other three kids he will not be interested in this one. I am sure you will have nothing to fear on his end. He has a higher power and that is heroin.

Leslie said...

Oh boy, do I feel for you. I just raced through 'Beautiful Boy' and his son's book, 'Tweaked.' Raced through because it was making me so sick to read them. I'm living this nightmare. Although I searched their books for clues out, there really is no clear path, as you already know.

Bless you for protecting your grandchild. I am fortunate to have another son, who is married and clean and responsible, and a 1-year-old grandson who is the light in all of our lives.

Take care.

Athena said...

Leslie - you are completely right - there is no set path. Oh, there are typical patterns to addictions, but each addict is an individual, end each parental relationship is a unique blend of personalites and dynamics. No one shoe fits.

I just finished reading another book - "Live Through This" by Debra Gwartney... she was much different than the authors who spared no expense - and she pretty much "gave up" and didn't really get with a program - and her kids "came back", too...

I just can't bring myself to read "Tweaked" -

Wishing you all the best. It is so hard, going through this, and this community is so helpful


Syd said...

That book is a good one. I hope that the baby stays safe with you.

kristi said...

Ummm..yeah. I have a niece who lost all 4 of her babies because she can't get it together. Just read my blog for her story.