Sunday, January 13, 2008

I love this one, too

I can't tell you the emotions upon seeing the first image of my child's child ... at almost 12 weeks gestation.

I am pro-choice, which means I accept the choice that my daughter made... 'nuff said.

I am a bit frightened about how painful it is too love someone and yet have no control over that person... I have been contemplating that aspect of myself this weekend, and it is helpful to remember the serenity prayer...

My daughter came by before and after the doctor visit last week -
I work from home and was on the phone and didn't get to talk to her much. I didn't quite believe her story about needing extra money for co-pay, but then again, heroin or no she is very poor and so I did give her $20 and my husband took her car to fill it up with gas. He talked to her a bit, and to him she did seem to be clear-headed... THAT was extremely reassuring to me ... he and I are both very familiar with her "heroin eyes".

She used to be so very meticulous in her clothing and cleanliness, and her fashion these days is more like "bag lady"... I hope, I hope, I hope she gets back to herself.

I am bidding on a "lot" of maternity clothes on E-bay... she is extremely petite... I hope that she'll allow me to be a part of this child's life. It is quite a lot to expect from the little one, but maybe this child will save her.

"In old days there were angels who came and took men by the hand and led them away from the city of destruction. We see no white-winged angels now. But yet men are led away from threatening destruction: a hand is put into theirs, which leads them forth gently towards a calm and bright land, so that they look no more backward; and the hand may be a little child's" ~ George Eliot

6 comments:

pat said...

I read this post a few days ago and did not know how to respond because I have been in your shoes more than once. My son was homeless for nearly a year while on one of his drug binges and when I saw him out there on the streets, dirty, unkempt, ect. my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. Up to this point my son had everything provided for him, a good education, car, money, ect. I never in my life ever thought I would ever see one of my children in this condition, in this situation. During this time, his heroin addicted girlfriend got pregnant and at 20weeks aborted this child. I could not understand if this was her intention why did she wait 20 weeks. I offered to raise the child. I offered to care for the child while she & my son got clean. Her mother offered her 2,000 dollars to get rid of it. She took her mother's offer. This was especially difficult for me because I had two grandsons whom I just adored and believed every child was a gift from God and sent here for a reason.Maybe this child was only meant to be here a short time. I do not ask God anymore why decisions are made because I do not think there is a "why". This is a long and painful road for any mother to travel and I say mother because I believe we feel the pain of an addicted child differently. It is harder for us to let go. Your daughter & that baby have a long road ahead of them just for the simple fact the child born to an addicted mother is also addicted. I think a lot of the decisions you make regarding your daughter in the near future are going to take in the consideration she is pregnant. I would have given her the 20 bucks too and filled up her gas tank. As a matter of fact, I have been there and done that. Know you are in my thoughts. Also know that there is always hope.

erinsav said...

Athena - you have been tagged by yours truly to participate in a favorite five recovery meme. Pop on over to my site http://www.whatwinnersdo.com to check out the rules.

Erin

Rachel said...

I don't have anything profound to say -- just that you are in my thoughts. I am sorry that you have to go through this terror & pain. Maybe your grandchild will be the wakeup call your daughter needs? If not, the child is lucky to have you for a Grandma. You sound like you will be there for the child & not everyone is willing to be.

My Daughter's Addiction said...

I just found your blog and believe me when I say your not alone. Your daughter is as scared as you are. She just doesn't know what to do. In November 2007, I found out my daughter [17] had been using heroin for over a year. She recently (3 months) started using needles. A friend of hers called me to tell me. In less than a week she was on suboxone. She has been clean for 6 weeks now. The suboxone helped tremendously with the cravings and withdrawal symptoms. So far so good. Please know that your blog helps more people than you realize. Keep up the faith and know your not alone.

erinsav said...

Haven't heard from you in a little bit...hope everything is ok.

thejunkyswife said...

"I hope, I hope, I hope she gets back to herself."

I know that feeling...my husband used to be such a fop...and now his clothes are just this wrinkly mess on the floor. It's hard watching someone you love, someone who's self-respect you value, just kind of letting it all go...

Good luck to you, and congratulations on the baby!