I feel so bad that I haven't kept up with this blog - it's such an odd feeling... I was so compelled to write and find others to share with, to be inspired with, to laugh & cry with. Writing about my daughter and her heroin addiction really is helpful to me, and it's amazing the insights I discover while actually putting thoughts in writing.
And the caring people that I have met and followed with their own addiction issues - their own or a friend or family member... I kind of have a writer's block, I think, because... things. seem. to. be. going. well. It's such an odd, superstitious type thing and I'm a bit ashamed of myself for it. I almost feel
1.) That I don't want to jinx anything
2.) I don't want to seem naive
3.) Could it be this simple?
But the part that's really bugging me is that I am a very optomistic person, generally - and my daughter is a very strong-willed person, generally. (I often told her that if she put as much energy into staying clean as she put into getting high, there was no limit to the things she could accomplish) - and so:
4.) I want to be able to relax and enjoy my daughter!
It's almost like I need permission to let down my guard. Does this make sense? Anyway, so here is an update:
My daughter hasn't been around me much since the Christmas visit when she went through withdrawal and then just up and left to go back to the same place she came from - after promising to get treatment. I truly had ZERO faith at that point of her successfully staying clean. So, it's no surprise she stayed away. What *is* a pleasant surprise is that she apparently has stayed clean. She's seen her father several times and her sister, and they have let me know that she looks good and is acting like herself again. That was very reassuring to me, and today I got to see for myself...
We had been talking on the phone the past couple of days, and she was coming into town for a prenatal visit and said she'd stopped by. I had bought some maternity clothes forher from Ebay and sent them to her thru my oldest daughter, and she appreciated that. (I really have been trying to make sure she got the messgae that I love her and am here for her in a way that doesn't go into the things that "turn her off". You know.
Well, she came by today after the prenatal vist, and she had been crying. She needed a hug - she was scared cause the Dr had said the baby was a bit "small", and seemed concerned that daughter hadn't felt any "quickening" or 1st fluttery movements. She is at 16 weeks now. I sat down with her and explained that some women don't feel this in a first pregnancy until 24 weeks, and since she herself is so tiny, the baby may very well be "small" - also, due to her addiction, her menstural periods had been very erratic, and the dates could be off by a couple of weeks, easily. She felt better and admitted that she may had taken what the Dr said wrong, as the Dr didn't seem to be giving her any kind of bad news. We talked about what she might feel - "bubbles" "butterfly wings" "tickling sensation"... it's hard to describe if you've never felt it!
My husband and I fed her and loaded her with groceries and some more comfy petite jogging pants and some maternity shirts that I bought yesterday (she *is* getting a belly and her boobs are huge - lol - she is not even 5' tall) I invited her to come spend a week with me soon, getting pampered and healthy, and she said she'd like to do that.
About 30 minutes after she left, my phone rang and when I answered I was very alarmed to hear her shrieking "He did it! He did it!!" - I am so "programmed" for bad calls that I could not comprehend what she was telling me - Ha ha - she was excited because she felt the baby move! Several times. Her joy was something I haven't heard in so long, I have butterflies in my stomach just writing about it (smile)... (She said "he" tho she doesn't know the sex of the baby yet)
That's my post, for now. My update. My good news... I need to remember to take things one day at a time. I am feeling some serenity right now, I think. It felt good to laugh with her. It feels good that it's okay to relax a bit.