The waiting game...

Still no baby... this waiting sure is nerve wracking.

Just like everything else concerning my daughter this past year, it's frustrating to be so powerless to steer her towards positive outcomes... Babies come when they come, of course, but not knowing how "in tune" my daughter is with her body, where she'll be when labor starts, and how she will react - well... you know.

She and the "boyfriend" seem to be spiraling a bit this past week - scamming money, telling stories, etc... She had a court date last week and drove to Dallas for it ... but didn't go - says it was rescheduled. I've heard that one before.

Last night she told her dad her cell phone got stolen -

I really don't know what she is expecting... whether she really believes she is going to be able to keep this baby that she has made absolutely no plans for, choosing the boyfriend's life and addiction, this boyfriend who has already lost 3 children to CPS, instead. She doesn't really talk about AFTER the baby comes - It could be she expects to hand the baby over... It could be that she will be hurt and angry when we intervene. I really don't know...

Happy 4th, every one ... be safe

No turning back...

How it will all turn out... Daughter 18 and her boyfriend, addicted to heroin, and a baby due any day... she hasn't had prenatal care since April. I did my best "fundus measurement" in a brief visit with her, and the tape measure shows 38 cm. How to reach her? How to protect her from herself? More importantly, how to protect the child on the way without alienating my daughter even more? (Imagine - the only thing MORE alienating than heroin)

My maternal instinct has and remains painfully strong. I will protect the innocent to the best of my ability, including obtaining custody as long as necessary to ensure the baby is not exposed to heroin and it's consequences once born.

I am praying that my daughter will give birth not only to a healthy child, but also to this prevailing mother-love that will finally be the factor that moves her to get away from heroin and heroin users for good.

As we head into summer...

As I head into the summer, I am optimistic about many things, and of course concerned about a lot of things... Daughter's pregnancy is advancing and she seems to be doing well, although as far as I know she hasn't had another OB/GYN appointment, which is a concern. To recap, shortly after she was bonded out of jail by "boyfriend's" parent on heroin possession charge I contacted her OB/GYN to inform them of her heroin use during pregnancy... I still think it was the right thing to do, in light of things that she had told me - but, no suprise, it angered her A LOT, and I haven't seen her since... I have been in contact with her though, and I am glad for that.

She and her "boyfriend" are living with her father - Around Mother's day I printed off some family photos of her and her family over the years - and used them as stationary to let her know how much we (her family) have always loved her & still do - and to let her know that I miss her and am happy to hear from her father that she is doing well. I made a point of not dwelling on heroin, et al... just reminding her that I am here for her if she needs me. She responded with a very nice phone call, and since then we have talked several times. I have sent her books (She loves to read - I resisted the urge to send her self-help books - I ordered her books by Stephanie Myers, her new favorite author who has a trilogy "The Twilight Saga" that is very popular ... about vampires, I think. She's always liked Stephen King, VC Andrews, Dean Koontz, etc. I did slip in "Heading Home with Your Newborn: From Birth to Reality" LOL. She called to thank me when she got the books... unfortunately, the Meyers book was the Spanish version, which was pretty funny. Yesterday I mailed her a return label so that she could send it back to Amazon, and I included some maternity clothes for her.

Her dad thinks they are staying clean, and when I talk to her she sounds good, so I am going with that for now - The baby is due in July, and I don't want to be estranged. Her father and I have just about talked her into returning to her OB/GYN here... They drug tested her on her last appointment in April, and she told me that it was "clean" ... if true, there is no reason for her to avoid the Doctor, who she really liked.

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Not so good, after all

With regards to last post, up until about 9:30 this morning, I was still under the assumption that things are good - better even than the last time I posted. I had helped my daughter find another ob/gyn because the atmosphere at the office of the one she had been seeing just wasn't good - She had her first appointment with new Dr yesterday and was so excited - a direct quote from my daughter: "I love, love, love her!!!" The office was friendly and nurturing, and treated her with respect. She was particularly touched that they gave her a diaper bag filled with samples and pamphlets and etc... And that's what prenatal visits should be, what I remember them being: Something to look forward to, a nurturing environment.

My daughter even called me at about 11pm to thank me once again for all of my help and emotional support. She sounded good. Happy.

Well. The call this morning was to inform me that my daughter is in jail. Details are sketchy... Apparently both she and her "boyfriend" (see earlier posts) were arrested. When bondsman office called, I learned that my daughter is being held on a "possession of a controlled substance" in the county jail in the small E. Texas town she is living in. Heroin.

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Things are good...

I feel so bad that I haven't kept up with this blog - it's such an odd feeling... I was so compelled to write and find others to share with, to be inspired with, to laugh & cry with. Writing about my daughter and her heroin addiction really is helpful to me, and it's amazing the insights I discover while actually putting thoughts in writing.

And the caring people that I have met and followed with their own addiction issues - their own or a friend or family member... I kind of have a writer's block, I think, because... things. seem. to. be. going. well. It's such an odd, superstitious type thing and I'm a bit ashamed of myself for it. I almost feel

1.) That I don't want to jinx anything
2.) I don't want to seem naive
3.) Could it be this simple?

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I love this one, too

I can't tell you the emotions upon seeing the first image of my child's child ... at almost 12 weeks gestation.

I am pro-choice, which means I accept the choice that my daughter made... 'nuff said.

I am a bit frightened about how painful it is too love someone and yet have no control over that person... I have been contemplating that aspect of myself this weekend, and it is helpful to remember the serenity prayer...

My daughter came by before and after the doctor visit last week -

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I just read “Candy” by Luke Davies – a novel about addiction that is very informative about the way heroin addicts think – also, for me, it was chilling in that one of the characters is a beautiful girl who falls in love the main protagonist, an older man who has used heroin for years – and he gets her hooked, also. The irrational thinking, especially about Candy’s pregnancy, seems very apropros to me and was enlightening in a way that I never hoped to need. Supposedly it is now or soon will be a movie - wonder if i'll watch it? I wonder if SHE'LL watch it.

Last I heard anything was on the eve of 12-27. I missed a call at 7pm from a nurse at a hospital in East Tx... The vm said "I just spoke with you about your daughter - she is being released now but doesn't have her cell phone and needs a ride".... Of course, I hadn't talked to anyone there. So I called the hospital and they were a bit confused, then embarrassed - earlier they had talked to her "boyfriend's" mom, and had been told that was the mother... they coouldn't tell me what she had been treated for, due to HIPPA laws. Sooo - that's the last I heard - she hasn't returned any calls or txt messages. Obviously he had her phone and car...

I have been keeping track of her cell phone records - as of New Years day there were several calls to local pawn shops.

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