A week can seem so looooong

It's been an intense past 7 days... I've been rattled a bit. I keep reading about people taking vacations... longingly... we love to travel and used to do so, but with baby, work, etc, we knew it would be "less" this year - but I think we do need a get away weekend. Soon.

Last night my sweet husband came home early from work, which just never happens, very ill - he was shivering like crazy, and despite ibuprofen, his fever continued to rise. When it jumped to 103.3 f we knew he had to go to clinic - The nanny had just reported that her son had flu and she would be home with him for two days, so I was so worried about Husband, he just never gets sick, and also concerned about the baby and others in house catching it. Good News/Bad News - Not the flu - But husband has pneumonia :-( and feels awful... I think worse for him is he had to stay home and he worries about his clients - worse for me is trying to make him rest. He got a big shot and is on antibiotics. OH - and, this morning he had an allergic reaction to the codeine cough medicine prescribed. Poor Big Guy. Did I mention that my day yesterday started with a one-year check up for Baby - he's doing great, yay! But he had to get shots and so has been a bit cranky. Poor little guy. Laughing and playing and jabbering away and then someone pokes him in both thighs - that really really hurt his feelings.

I empathize completely. Sometimes things happen that just so do not make sense and can't be explained and certainly do not seem fair at all.

Last Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk doing my thing... Husband had just gotten home from work - Baby was with the other grandparents, life normal (as normal as our life is, normally, anyway, ha ha. ) You know from last posts daughter has been on my mind - so stage is set:

Another daughter knocks on bedroom/office door and tells me that a -- County constable is at the door asking for me. Well. I fell apart almost immediately. -- County is where my daughter "lives" and where the baby goes when other grand-parents have visits, so I just knew that I was about to hear that they had found my daughter's body or something had happened to the baby. How I made it to the door, I do not know...

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Oh, I hope not

Ever been relaxing, reading a book, drifting off to sleep and have a bone-jarring thought?
I did last night.

What if she's pregnant again?

Could that be why no one has seen or heard from her lately?

There are other explanations, of course. I sure hope so.

I miss her, conditionally

I miss my daughter.

A few times this weekend I've let my thoughts "go there" - and quickly retreated, cause it hurts.

I haven't heard from her in months... neither have other family members, which is different than it's been before. I miss the letters from jail... for a while there was steady communication - I know it won't be there, but I still am letdown when there is nothing in the mailbox. Sigh. She knows how to call, write or visit.

I saw her a couple of times briefly, and she didn't look like anyone I know. Truthfully, I do not miss "that" person... but I mourn for the sweet, sassy daughter that was.

I also feel guilty, because I could attempt to reach out to her - the "boyfriend's" family could probably get a message to her. BUT - what I don't miss are the drama calls... I'm pretty sure she isn't in touch cause she doesn't want my no-money, no-enabling, no-BS brand of mothering. I'm sure she knows I love her.

I just miss my daughter. Baby is with other grandparents this weekend - and I had two days off of work... "quiet time" doesn't do me as much good as it seems it would in theory, ha ha... Between work and the baby, I have a pretty good outlet for maternal feelings and a feeling of control over outcomes. Busy is good.

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Having his cake and eating it too...

Ok, he REALLY likes Birthdays. Not sure we thought this one out beforehand - but no ill effects today :-)

Thanks all for the sweet B-day thoughts - and we keep moving forward... Safe from any recent "heroin drama", thankfully

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Happy Birthday Little One

Happy Birthday Little One...

It's hard to believe it's been a year - and also hard to believe it has turned out as it has. But - Baby's life is a celebration of many things - That he arrived into this world safely and unharmed by his parent's addiction is a miracle - Might not others follow?

Baby is with his other grandparents today - we will pick him up this evening. I don't know if my daughter spent his birthday with him or not. It is so incredibly sad that she chose heroin over this child - I can't understand it. I believe she doesn't understand it. I am thankful right now that Baby is unaware.

For him, so far, life is Light and Love and Laughter and Security :-)

The "Hot Stove" Rule

I was reading a fellow parents blog, and a recent topic was boundaries, and setting them , and then, most importantly, following through. It is one of the hardest things about loving an addict. It reminded me of an article that I find helpful in many aspects of my life - I thought I would share

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Passing it Forward...

Things are relatively calm here. Well, no addict drama anyway - still no call from daughter - I did get notified by vines that she has an upcoming jury trial for her possession charge. I've said it before, but again, it is so surreal that I am praying for her to return to jail.

Other than that, we live life, and it's a good one. The best nanny in the world is on vacation, and we miss her terribly! Had "Camp Grammy" last week with my 3 other grandsons and their mom, my oldest daughter. Fun, chaotic, exhausting... Life. It also helps to have such a wonderful, supportive husband to laugh about it with. That's him, welcoming Baby to this life almost a year ago. The foundation is unsinkable. Life. Love. Clarity.

Baby will be 1 year old on the 24th - incredible journey, this past year - and the comments and prayers and positive thoughts did, do, and will always be such a gift. I find my self thinking of you all often. I may not comment regularly, but I'm here, and following, and in awe of you all.

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