Paradox Acknowledged

You may remember this post: Oh I Hope Not?

Apparently this is the case. My goodness, when it rains it pours... or it feels that way to me, in the current situation... Much of this has been going on over past few months, and I am only recently learning of it.

5 months pregnant and in jail again. Deja Vous. Chances are likely this child will be born in prison. I stand firm to the ideal that a child is born to responsible, drug-free, law-abiding parents. However, many wonderful people would not be here today is that was the reality. Do I love my daughter? Oh yes. Would I get her out of jail if I was financially able? No. Am I happy that my daughter is pregnant and in jail? No. Can I personally do anything about this current situation? No. Do I have a crystal ball? Obviously not.

Still processing the info - but I have to say again that I have the most beautiful and supportive husband. He doesn't process over-much - He faces life head on and helps me to do the same.

A new life deserves recognition and welcome - this child deserves all of the love and hopes and dreams and prayers that are typically bestowed upon an eagerly anticipated child, this is a firm belief, I have none other that contradict. I shall start making this child a baby blanket, as I did for it's brother.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

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I Don't Know Much... in this case, that's a lot

Daughter has so far called me twice from jail - this is new - Not new that she is calling me now that she is in trouble, no no, that is the way it's been for past couple of years... but this time she is calling collect - at $9.99 a call - Can't keep that up - Geesh. Before, when she was in this county jail, she called me often, I guess from a guard's cell phone. She's obviously not a trustee these days.

The calls are hard, and I told her I can't accept anymore because of the expense. That's is true, but also because of the emotional toll. As a parent there is a certain tone of voice or cry that we do recognize as genuine hurt, or fear - and as parents, we want to console. And, I can't in this case. I also don't see any point in reminding her NOW that I haven't heard from her since the last time she was in jail and giving lectures... truly, any valid point I have to make does indeed sound like I am doing that. She tells me she was doing so good, was clean, etc, etc... All I know for sure was last I heard from her she was in jail, and now she is in jail again... It does seem to be true that she hasn't gone thru withdrawal like before. BUT - I also know thru others that she isn't telling me everything (obviously.) I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child.

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Headed to the fair

I spoke with daughter briefly on the phone the other day - no real updates. Her bond is $200,000 - I think she'll be there a while. I really don't know much else.

Today, husband took some time off and we are taking baby to the State Fair. Of course, it has been raining cats & dogs since about 2am. Who cares! Maybe means less crowded, more for us! Funnel Cakes, here we come!

(Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers... I added a new link - Dad on Fire - what an apropos name, right?)

How many more chances?

My day started out ok - But we all are now familiar with the random phone call that just knocks the breath out of us. I do not know how exactly, but I felt it building.

I am numb, maybe I shouldn't do this, but I feel as if the integrity of this blog is at stake if I do not share this now. As Lou so recently pointed out: "Their entire profile is on the internet at the department of corrections and the county court's website. Uhh, I don't think your blog is any big smear to her reputation."

Yes, yes, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty - but just as true is the concept of guilt by association. The consequences of drug abuse and it's stereo-typical lifestyle cannot be trivialized.























My daughter and her "boyfriend", the parents of my grandson, the focus of this blog are still at large -

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Little Bird...

I have always loved Fiddler On The Roof ... My daughter watched it often with me, and loved it too. We also watched Jesus Christ Super Star, Hair, The King & I. Often. We had so many small joys in common and I cherished snuggling up to watch a classic, or discussing books we read. I suppose I am a bit melancholy right now - It happens. Some things that I do without her now, that we used to do together, have such a different meaning than when she was safe beside me.

This scene reminds me so much of her... if you haven't seen the movie, hard to explain, but I think many of us can relate to the sentiment. A parent's pain & confusion when a child goes against all they had hoped for the child. 

https://youtu.be/juuhx884ylM

Well, That'll Teach Her...

Well - My daughter finally had her "day in court" for heroin possession. And the verdict is.... Deferred Adjudication. I hope that makes sense one day to the people who love and care for her.

On a happier note - baby has a laptop now so he can work like I do :-)

Short respite

I highly recommend taking a break, even a small one :-)

Baby is with other grandparents, and husband and I both took time from work to have a long weekend - and took a road trip - Left Friday, back Saturday. In our case, the where wasn't so important - just the fact that the two of us got away, alone. Very nice. Highly recommended.