The "Hot Stove" Rule

I was reading a fellow parents blog, and a recent topic was boundaries, and setting them , and then, most importantly, following through. It is one of the hardest things about loving an addict. It reminded me of an article that I find helpful in many aspects of my life - I thought I would share


* Immediacy

Characteristic: If you touch a hot stove, it burns you immediately, not some time later.

Implication for leadership practice: Conversations about [boundaries] should take place immediately after the event that triggers them, not be left until later, whenever possible.

* Forewarning

Characteristic: As your hand approaches a hot stove, you can feel the heat; so you are forewarned that if you touch it you will get burnt.

Implication for leadership practice: People must know in advance what [boundaries] are expected. [Arguing] about them, and any disciplinary measures that result, will be ineffective and dysfunctional if they appear to have been conjured up out of thin air. A clear link needs to be made to [expectations] and prior warning given that certain actions will be applied if certain conditions either are or are not met.

* Consistency

Characteristic: Whenever you touch a hot stove, it always burns you; it doesn’t burn you at some times and not others.

Implication for leadership practice: For [boundary] conversations and any resulting actions to be effective, these must take place in a consistent fashion, not in an ad hoc way. If [lines are crossed] and/or behavioral issues elicit a response from [you] on some occasions and not on others, this disconnect between words and actions will simply compound the problem.

* Impartiality

Characteristic: Whoever touches the stove will be burnt. It is the act of touching the stove that leads to the painful effect, not some characteristic of the person; and it doesn’t burn some people and not others.

Implication for leadership practice: Effective and felt-fair [limits/expectations] focus on the act, not the individual. These are also carried out in an impartial way, not based upon personality or [relationship]. [Parenting], including any disciplinary action, will be ineffective if it appears to be based upon ‘one rule for some and another rule for others’ -


The above guiding principles help to put "discipline" and [parenting] in their proper places - both aspects of ongoing, day-to-day leadership practice. Discipline and [behavior] will never improve if [consequential] action is limited to periodic set-piece [discussions and arguements].