Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Greetings... sigh

Well, Husband and I went shopping for Valentine's day cards and candy for the kids and grandkids - the only one I had trouble finding a card for was my addicted daughter, who is now in jail...

We joked about the need for greeting cards for inmates - and of course later when I googled it, there it is - www.threesquaresgreetings.com... this picture is from one, under the "tough love" category. There was another that I related to:

No More Promises -

"Outside Message: No More Promises...
Inside Message: When you called recently, I wasn’t very sympathetic. I guess I’ve heard your promises to change too many times. Please - stop promising to change and just do it."

I guess there is a whole sub-culture surrounding inmates and prisons - who knew? My daughter's recent letters are starting to really get to me - I put $50 on "her books" (there is also a set of 6 greeting cards for "I put money on your books") 2 1/2 weeks ago - last week she wrote and sent me copy of her comissary receipt and a blank order form so I'd know what she spent money on and what things cost. First thing I notice? Her prev balance was $60... so, someone else is putting money on her books??
I hate being ignorant, but I don't apologize for not having a clear understanding of what it's like in jail... I hate even more being taken advantage of, and I feel that she is still manipulating me - still scamming me for money... Every other paragraph was how she needed money on her books, "please send $75- $80 every two weeks and any extra" - Wait... What? (Borrowed from fellow blogger)
SHE is supposed to send me $150 a month for child support... you know?
She also asked me to send her song lyrics - Eminem "Criminal", 50 Cent, and some country love songs... - She ALSO mentioned that "boyfriend's mom" is helping her get letters to him - in the same county jail... So, how do I know some of that money isn't getting on his books somehow? She told me in her first letter she shaved her head - "A buzz cut with a mohawk" - but now she says she needs to buy conditioner every two weeks... she says she needs money on her books because a Dr is giving her anti-anxiety medicine.. she wants to buy underweare and a bra that fits ($4 each) - yet the receipt she sent shows $60 spent on primarily honey buns, coffee, cheetos...
I sent a valentine's day card to her from the baby - I also sent another $50 MO... and a strongly worded letter explaining what my concerns are, that she needs to budget just like I do, and reiterating that I would love to have a thought exchange of where she wants to go with her life, what her positive plans are for when she gets out, etc... But as it stands, it looks like same old stuff - she's glorifying the life she has led for 2 years, and I don't see anything that even remotely comes close to enlightenment or a desire to change.
I am Mad/Sad/... frustrated. For 2 years I have given her the advice she needed not to end up here... She had it all available, but she didn't want to be "confined" by my rules. THIS isn't my fault -


cw2smom said...

I am so sorry about your family situation! Regarding questions about jail and prison time, I'd be glad to answer them for you as I spent 25 years working as an officer in the system in my state. An FYI...Items purchased from the canteen (store) can and are often traded or used like cash for illicit items such as drugs and cigarettes. Since most everything is provided to inmates it's not really necessary to send much for their extras. And naturally, they're going to try to get monies from whoever will send it to them. Blessings, Lisa

Athena said...

Thanks Lisa - I was wondering about that - cause apparently they order everything and get it all at once? she has had up to 5 other girls in her cell - how would she be safe from someone bullying her to buy or give things - either way - my instinct says no good is coming of it. I also noticed there were no deductions for medical care... Really, Thank you

pat said...

Something does not sound right about all the cash.

Cat said...

You didnt cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it - but you can work on changing you!

I know this has got to sting, the whole money things rings of manipulation, whatever you do follow your gut.

I really was suprised to see the humor in the cards you found... go figure right?!

Athena said...

Yeah - some of them were ok - there were other sites google found that really were questionable as to taste... go figure - lol... one company delivers gifts as well as cards - sounds, um, questionable.

Going with my gut in this case, and I sent her a long letter yesterday explaining my feelings.

Annette said...

I'm sorry. It sucks, it hurts, it is exhausting. It is not your fault. As Cat shared....the 3C's. Repeat it often. ((HUG))

Lou said...

Athena, any meds given in jail are "billed". The anti anxiety meds my son takes are very cheap in jail. Only a couple dollars a month. If you send money to their account and they have a med bill, it will be deducted from the money you send. That is how it is in Michigan.
The problem with meds in jail, is they must first see a jail shrink. They don't take the inmates word for it (understandable). This usually takes weeks. Every time my son went to jail he would see a (foreign) jail shrink and each one would give him different meds.
As far as the money, I send $50 a month. Yes, he buys cheetos, cookies, etc. They get prison issue underwear, but it is worn many times over.
As far as trading it for drugs,if they are going to use, they are going to use. Whether you send money or not, they will figure some sort of "currency".
As always, it's your daughter & your call. I think it lovely you sent her the card from her child.

Fractalmom said...

you are enabling again LOL.


God I freakin HATE it when it sneaks up like that.

quit sending her money, and don't accept any phone calls.

you two are doing enough. Now it's up to H E R and as long as you are keeping in contact and feeling bad..

well, you know.

Just quit.

mother of drug addict said...

You are so right. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! It is hers. and I am going throught he same thing with regards to putting money on books for my daughter. When I went to visit her today she said she didnt have any more and she couldnt get anything today from the commisary and the girls she shared her stuff with wont share with her. I said "Hello your all in here for breaking the rules, what makes you think their word that they would repay you is any good? I wouldnt trust you to say that and your my kid." Its time to grow up!!!

Her Big Sad said...

I'm starting to think I've been getting manipulated in this area also.

I thought they had to buy sanitary items, coffee, etc. I was told they got shampoo and soap when they went in, but then had to buy their supplies after that.

I have been having stamped envelopes sent to her from the post office (can't send them to her myself, a new rule at the jail)....

I've severely reduced what I put on her books.... cos I saw the balance last time and other friends had put money on too.

I hate being manipulated due to my ignorance about a lifestyle/consequences that I never wanted to know anything about!

Athena said...

Big Sad - and at the same time, the daughter I know and love and pray is still somewhere inside... I worry so! I know you know.

MODA - Stay strong - what I fear more than what happens in jail is what happens when she gets out - I know you know.

Their "needs" ARE met there - if we send no money, their "needs" are met - better than they were met on the outside, when the only need they cared for was heroin... Cw2smom gives us a lot to think about here -

All of you do.

Lou is right too - and I pray one day I am at peace with my daughter as she is with her son.

Pat, Cat, Annette are correct & wise

Yes - I did send another $50, cause I knew she was counting on it, for whatever reasons - and if her tone changes, I will continue to send $50 a month - it's my decision to send that - the first time I sent it it was a guess... Now I have told her it is only going to be that, and even that is conditional on ... well, the things she writes to me, and sometimes it's only us parents who can judge our child's progress - the child that we know

SO - I'm not being manipulated now - I love the comments I received here - a valid mix of experience & care, and every one of them keeps me strong.

And in case anyone hasn't figured it out... LOL... Fractal mom is a saint in sceptics clothing... and has a heart as big as, well, Texas - and has literally walked me through some really tough spots and has been spot on every time.

Sometimes I wish we all could go to dinner together - THIS is my support group, all of you, and it means so much to me


Lou said...

Of course Athena, if we all went to dinner together, at least 1 of us would get called away on account of a "junky emergency". LOL

Athena said...

LOL - No Doubt, Lou

Laura said...

Hi Athena! A day late and a dollar short, I arrive. You have set your boundary of what you will do and you're sticking with it. That's the best part of the whole big picture. Cliff, time and again was in jail and I was doing everything possible to "help" him because blah, blah, blah. Lou's right about Michigan. You don't get much of anything free and you are charged for absolutely everything. The day you're booked you have a debt for the booking fee.

Finally, the last go around is when Cliff came to his senses, and God became more real to Cliff than ever before. I set my boundary with him that I wouldn't be visiting due to distance and gas, and that there was no money to send except occasionally. He was in for 364 days and I sent less than $200.00, which is huge for me. I had set my limit, but also Cliff quit asking. Understanding the facts of reality seemed to be favorable.

You and husband are a team and that will prevail. Daughter may lose everything but, obviously, never lose your love or encouragement to move on even if it's detached and from a distance. I applaud you both.

Athena said...

Am I the only one who sees this and thinks: "Heroin?"



Aunt Nannie said...

Man oh man....I wish I could help you help her in some way. I cannot imagine a drug (or anything else) that causes a person, especially a mom, to choose it over her baby. I would like to get a hold of you know who and whack his testicals off...heck if I found him @ the right time he probably would not even know it was happening. There should be prison time just for inseminating a heroin addict. Pee Wee looks just like his momma! I remember when she used to smile like her son does....I wonder if we will ever see her smile again???
I love you, I do check in to this blog much more often than I comment on it. Your words are powerful and awesome and should be published!

Annette said...

Athena, email me for your letter. I don't have your email anymore. Sorry...

Annette said...

Hey, I just nominated you for a "lovey" award....head over to my blog to receive it if you are interested. Blessings to you fellow momma.

Isle Dance said...

Trust your gut. You're doing more than most would be able to. You are not alone in these challenges. What a blessing, that your grandbaby has you. Thanks so much for sharing all of this.