Patty-Cake on Glass

Last Saturday, I did take the baby to visit with my daughter, his mother, in jail... And, I believe it was the right thing to do, for the right reasons...

It was surreal, with the glass partition and trying to hold the phone to his ear ... and making sure he didn't get it in his mouth or touch anything! LOL... (She is a trustee and cleans the lobby and visitation area, and told me she went xtra heavy on the Lysol in case I brought Baby.) He sat in front of his mom and smiled the winning smile - they played peek-a-boo, they made each other laugh - they made me laugh, too. She looked healthy for the first time in a long time... every time she put her hand up on the glass, he put his up to "touch" it. She got teary a few times, but said she had resolved not to cry because she didn't want to "scare" him... It was a nice visit. She was my daughter, not the hollow shell I've grown to dread seeing. And, she saw, really SAW him - for the first time without heroin clouding her vision. She has court next week on her possession charge, and it is actually the same judge who handled the custody case - this is what she wrote to me after the visit:

"I'm so happy I got to see you and [Baby], thank you so much. The guard on shift... told me when you were leaving that my son is gorgeous. All the officers I work w/ here were very happy I got to see him. That night when I was cleaning the lobby and visit area I showed the woman and officer I work with his hand print on the glass. lol! I got a little sad when I came back, but I just read your poem and I was ok...

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The Nanny Chronicle

Well, I had to let another "Nanny" go... So I had some help at work last week, ha ha. Since I work from home, we really want to be able to keep Baby at home - we have tried live-in and live out arrangements, both. Main problem is what we can afford versus what the "rich" people can afford - Some nannies want as much as I earn! Not that I don't think childcare providers and educators shouldn't be one of the higher paid professions, or that my job is more important than a caregiver's - no, no... Just, if we could afford that, we wouldn't need the help, Alas. When my children were babies I was fortunate to be a full time mom - my rule was no day care until they were old enough to tell me about their day... I don't know how to make a new rule for this child.

Among things I had no knowledge of this time last year is RAD - "Reactive Attachment Disorder" - something of a concern with heroin babies... and we are very careful that the baby isn't affected - He is healthy and happy and secure, and we plan on keeping him that way.

There are times I feel so sad that we have this "Nursery" with a bed, desk, hi-speed internet and a warm family to share with a live-in caregiver of this child - No housework, not 3-5 children - No weekends or evenings (He sleeps with us)... 15-20 hours a week, mostly in the afternoon. Monthly Salary. Perfect for a college student. PERFECT for my daughter, his mother, if only... the "nursery" is the room that used to be hers... and that we lovingly redecorated up in hopes that she would be coming home with her child last summer.

Anyway - will keep doing our best - what else can we do? (My husband got a raise yesterday - WOOT!)

The letters between my daughter and I continue, and I am guardedly optimistic that she is "hearing" me and others who care about her right now... she's a "captive audience." She's clean, she's not with the "boyfriend", she is a "trustee" and able to make occasional phone calls. She's sad and homesick and thinking a lot about her child and is ashamed that she doesn't know him.

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