Saturday, April 25, 2009

A brief glimpse - a flashback - a question

Today it seems important to share this. My daughter long has had a phrase she felt was important: "If Not Now, When?" - We've talked about it recently, she's reminding herself. It's been SUCH a long journey, and she has left so many people hurting in her wake - but no one more so than herself. I just had to write to her in jail that her grandmother passed away on Thursday. They were so close - except my daughter hasn't seen her in 2 years. I think she thought, if she thought at all, that she would always be there, waiting.

In her last letter, my daughter asked me to tell her grandmother that she loved her and was sorry that she let her down and hasn't been there for her. I believe her grandmother heard those words the day before she passed away, as I read them to her.

Anyway - This is from my daughter's blog - in September of 2007. I wish I could share it with HER right now - and remind her once more... If not now, when?

The video is a compilation of her and family and friends, set to two of her favorite songs... she's the little one with long dark hair, blue bandana, sweet smile & cocky attitude. My baby. The video won't stay up long - just a glimpse of real people, her life.

Below it is a blog she posted 4-5 months after we found out about the heroin in 2007... a year before her son was born to addicted parents

Saturday, Sept 1, 2007
Uhhh...Finally, I am able to write a new blog. I now live in East Texas (-------), for anyone who didn't know. I live with _______. They have a computer but just logging in takes like a million years! So trying to write a blog is like trying to chisel words in stone.
So, life has been a little crazy since my last blog. I moved in with my dad in November and started school back where i started kindergarten. It was ok, I still had alot of friends and I made new ones of course. My dad bought me a cell phone, which I hadn't had one in God knows how long. Then in Febuary I got a car, but my dad and I were sharing it (98 Honda Civic). I finally broke up with the idiot i wasted 11 months on...-----. Almost right after I broke it off with him I met the love of my life, --. He is my sister's best friend's older brother. We hung out for awhile and had alot of fun, we found out we had alot in common also, we quickly fell in love. Things were going very good for me. I got a job working at a mexican food restaurant. My dad found a new car for him so he gave me the civic for my own.
I spent alot of my spare time with --. I would occasionally spend the night with him also. I was really looking forward to Summer. While all this magical, wonderful stuff was happening in my life, I was slowly becoming something I promised myself I would never addict. I won't go into detail about what it was or what it did to me, I will write briefly about that later. -- and I were living the good life and it couldn't seem to get any better. I started to steal stuff though to support my addiction ( as I write this I don't want to brag or shock anyone who reads it, I just want it on here, for me to refer to later in life).
The first weekend of Summer became the rockslide of a very difficult time in my life. -- and I were on our way to Dallas to re-up on our addiction. The whole day started out wrong. We pumped gas without paying and headed for Dallas. When we got there we started our rounds of stores to hit up for stolen items that we could sell or take to the scrap yard. I had had a bad feeling about it all day, but like usually I paid no attention to my conscience.
We were in one store, and finished stealing what we needed and we were headed for the door when 3 undercover cops grabbed us and took us to the back of the store, where we were the wait for the cop and his car to come pick us up. We were taken to ---- Jail, and put into cells. I have been arrested before but never tried as an adult. (It amazes me that you cannot go to a hospital at 17 without a parent but, you can be tried as an adult in jail at 17) I spent the night there, the next morning all the women, including me saw a judge who set our bail. Mine was $500. Later that day we were transfered to Lou Sterrett (Dallas County Jail).
I was not in very good shape by then, I was physically sick from my addiction not satisfied. And one beautiful thing about jail is that no one, and I mean no one cares about what you feel like or what you're going through. After the nurses ask you a bunch of questions then you go to shake down were the cops make sure you aren't hiding anything. I will spare you the details of that experience. Next, you are sat in a chair in a row with five other rows in front of you, you get to stare at a brick wall with 4 telephones, until it is time to go to court. I was very sick, I vomited several times in a 15 minute period. You are not allowed to put your feet in the chair or lay down in the chair next to you. You must raise your hand to ask to go to the bathroom or get a drink of water or to use the phone. I was brought to Lou Sterrett at 8:30 p.m. at around midnight, the officers saw how sick I was and allowed me to go into a single man cell, which is a large room with concrete floors and benches but, it was great to be able to lay down.
At 2 in the morning I was called out to go to court. This process took about an hour. It just reminded you what your bond was and that you were to be placed in population if you didn't have the money right then. After court, they would not allow me to go back to the single man cell, so I went back the the row of chairs. I was so tired that I laid down anyway in the seat next to me. The female cop told me to sit up and I did, but 5 minutes later I laid back down. She came over to me and dumped me out of the chair. This process was repeated several times until she took me into one of the back rooms and roughed me up a little bit, when I returned to my seat, I didn't lay back down.
At close to 5 in the morning all the women including me sitting in the chairs where lined up and taken to the 2nd floor where we were placed in a holding tank. There were 25 female, me being the youngest in there to one holding tank with a toilet in the corner (no door or privacy). In Lou Sterrett, the temperature is about 65 degrees. Between the 25 women there were only 4 blankets. I was very sick so I laid next to a older woman with a blanket and asked to share, thank God she did. I couldn't sleep, I was still very sick and went to the bathroom several times an hour, which really upset the other women, all they could do was talk mad shit about me but, in my state I didn't even care. We were in the holding tank for around 10 hours when finally two trustees were sent in with sandwiches and cups of cheap kool-aid. Everything I tried to eat I almost immediately threw back up. The other ladies were getting very tired of me.
About an hour later, one of the women was talking to me asking me what I did and why I was sick. I could barely talk but, it helped take my mind off the way that I felt. Her and some other ladies finally had an idea to get me out of the holding tank quicker and into population. They told me to fake pass out and they would call the guards. The guards came in and picked me up and moved me to a smaller cell, where another cop came and got me and transferred me to the West Tower and into the Infirmary.
The Infirmary was Heaven compared to the holding cell. I had a bed and good food (even though I couldn't keep it down), windows, t.v. , and a bathtub that we could use whenever. I spent 3 more days in the Infirmary, where I slowly regained some of my strength and was able to keep small portions of food down. At 4 am Saturday morning, the cops woke me up and told me I was being released.
I had no idea what I was going to do once I got out, but I was determinend to find a phone and call for a ride. As I was walking outside, I saw my mom and a good friend of the family waiting for me. My court appointed attorney had given them a heads up at what time I was to be released. They brought me back to my mom's house and explained what was going to happen. My dad took the car and the phone away from me, he didn't want me living with him anymore. I don't blame him, he told me when I moved in that I had two very simple rules to follow. Don't get into trouble and stay in school. My mom couldn't afford to let me move back in with her unless I was willing to go to rehab and not see --. I don't blame her either she had had enough of my bullshit. ___ (the friend of the family) was the only one willing to help me. He would take me in and make sure I had everything I needed, but my life would become very difficult, like bootcamp. That was one of two choices. That or call -- and let him come get me from my mom's and take care of me. I chose --.
Now I'm going to cut the story short. -- and I ended up homeless in Pleasant Grove for 3 very long weeks. When -- went back to jail. I moved out to his sisters, where I am currently.
I have gotten my life back together and patched things up with both my parents. It's about time I grew up and started taking responsibility for my own actions. I am still in school and -- has steady work. I just got the car back from my dad yesterday, and I will be moving in with -- in the next couple of weeks. I was very angry at myself for what I let happen to me but, I was even more hurt and angry at my parents for not being "understanding". I know now that they did the only thing they could to finally get me to see what was really happening to my life and that I was the only cause for it. I appreciate my parents for being strong and for actually never leaving my side. I felt as if they had abandoned me and I was hurt. But, I was the one who abanded them and myself.
I wrote this so people I know will understand what I have been through. I'm sure some people aren't going to like that I shared this with the whole world but, I did it as a release to what I was holding onto....and to appologize to all those who tried to help me when I needed it the most but refused.
And even though some don't believe we should be together, -- and I have saved each other form our own addiction. We make each other stronger without the addiction. I LOVE YOU, --!


pat said...

Thank you for sharing this. I know this had to be difficult.

Athena said...

Oh Pat - I'm used to it - almost. Not really sure why I posted - maybe, like the "rescue this child" prayer left behind in her jail cell - I'm hoping someone else may benefit from seeing what I wish for my daughter to see

kristi said...

I live in Kaufman! It is very difficult to administer "tough love." Atleast she learned before she ended up in prison like my precious nephew.

Athena said...

Kristi - wow - it is a small world sometimes... and she may be headed to prison from County jail - not sure what to expect

MrsMessiness said...

Oh Athena- re-reading the words must be heartbreaking sometimes, but I love that she was able to see that your and her dads' actions were out of love.
So many of us don't get any reinforcement that we've done the right thing when it comes to dealing with our addicts. I'm really glad that you have this.
Keep your head up.

Lou said...

Not seeing her grandmother to say good bye..those are the intangibles that addiction robs.
My son missed his sister's wedding-he was supposed to be best man-he was in jail. He can never make that right, for either one of them.

Barbara(aka Layla) said...

I read every word and watched the video. Thanks for letting us be part of this. I am sorry for the loss of your mom, assuming her grandmother is your mom.

Athena said...

Yes - I hate what addiction robs so many of...

It was my daughter's paternal grandmother - but she was also like a mother to me - even though I have remarried. She loved Amanda. She loved the baby too! We went and visited with her as often as we could - She was witness to his crawling attempts, and I'm glad

Fractalmom said...

i hate heroin

Annette said...

Ohhhhh, So smart, so articulate. Thanks for sharing Athena. Very very moving. You know me....sob sob. :o)

Annette said...

I have something for you over at my blog Athena...

sydney_savage said...

I am afraid for her to get released. Afraid for you and her little boy. I hope she stays clean - but she sounded so hopeful in her blog...

It's funny, I've heard that story a million and one times - yet something inside of me still has hope - and that makes me feel a bit of a fool to be honest.

I will keep you in my thoughts, and think of your daughter - hopefully she will be in a more peaceful place and be able to live free of her addiction. Oh, I hope... for that little boy's sake.

Eli said...

For me, this really affirms the importance of blogging this stuff. It is easy to forget the details of what you go through when you're an addict. Listening to "newcomers" helps, but so does reading these accounts. Thanks