Monday, October 25, 2010

Quiet time... Not Likely

I have been waiting for some solitude to put in an update and do justice to the whole complicated situation. But, I don't really see any solitude or quiet moments of reflection in the near future... that is not a negative in many ways - the time away from the demands of my job is best spent with my husband and Landon and the children who are running the typical gamut of young adulthood... and, it is my pleasure to be involved in the "normal" madness.

We recently celebrated my eldest son's 30th birthday and his engagement to his long time girlfriend. Such a wonderful thing... enjoyed time spent with my 2nd eldest daughter, discussing her challenges with her pre-teen sons and her precocious 5 year old... 3rd eldest is preparing for deployment to Afghanistan and that makes time with him important... 4th eldest daughter has flown the nest and it is fascinating watching her balance work and "life" and how well she seems to be doing it... the youngest daughter is one of the most responsible young ladies I have ever met... not only taking classes and working, but also dedicated to Landon as much as any parent ever was dedicated to a child - she has been with him since day one, and actually we have to help her remember to make time for herself.

And then, there is our addicted one... my youngest, our second to youngest, the subject of this blog... (Norm and I each have three children from previous marriage.) She has been sentenced to State Jail for at least 6 months... she may also get additional time for heroin possession charge that she was on probation for out of different county. "Boyfriend" also got some state jail time - 8 months - for the endangerment to a child charge. Ironically, if he hadn't involved Kaylee in his get-away attempt, I think he'd probably be out again already. My daughter now has a longer rap sheet than he does. I really have difficulty wrapping my head around that. It is what it is...

CPS sent us a letter only last week, a form letter, thanking us for our interest and advising that they investigated the situation and found no basis for a case. Yes - Mom and Dad are both in jail, baby was involved in a crime, everything is OK! I can't really wrap my brain around that one either. Kaylee does seem to be ok for the time being - she is crawling now. We see her when we exchange Landon with the other grandparents, and my 2nd eldest daughter has brought her to visit a couple of times when she watched her for a day or a weekend.

I haven't heard a word from my daughter - unlike all other times, she has not written me even to ask for money. I have written her a couple of times just to let her know I love her and to send her the "Rescue this Child" poem. What else is there to say that hasn't been said in other letters to her in lock-up? It may finally be shame she is feeling - I know she bonded with Kaylee. I don't think it is my place right now to add to that... and if she isn't feeling remorse, what would be the point of communicating any other message? I think she probably wasn't using, except maybe started again shortly before the arrest in August. I have heard there was friction between her and "boyfriend" because he had been using... All I know for sure is she was arrested again - with him - and allowed her daughter to be put in harm's way.

I think I was almost hoping she would get out as in the past and have time with her daughter without "boyfriend" calling the shots - but really, it isn't just his influence on her. It's the whole situation and the decisions she has made - if not him, there is no reason at this point to think there would be anything to keep her from continuing to make poor decisions

And... Life goes on. It's not all bad, it's mostly good. And for now, I know where everyone is and that they are safe (relatively speaking.)

Landon is officially in his "terrible twos" ... meaning, he's hitting all of the landmarks and is doing well. Look at that face and that smile - Who needs solitude? Ok, Ok... anyway, when it's calm, we are usually sleeping :-)


Fractalmom said...

He is absolutely beautiful!! And one thing I have found out, raising TWO children is a serious undertaking at our age. I don't know what is right, and what is wrong anymore, my world is filled with multiple shades of grey and will be forever now.

Perhaps it is God's plan for you guys to raise Landon, and the other gparents to raise Kaylee. And, since they now have one child, maybe they will stay off your backs.

A best case solution at this point is to let time run some water under the bridges maybe, and then approach the other gparents and propose a joint visitation, where they get Landon one weekend, and you get Kaylee the other weekend and the kids can grow up at least knowing they are siblings and having a relationship? That way you both have two weekends a month with both children, and two weekends a month to yourself, which can also be very important.

Civility now is probably the best choice. That, and agreeing to keep the kids away from the parents. If you can get them to agree to that, you have saved your granddaughter, perhaps not in the way you intended, but saved nonetheless?

All my prayers are with you and the whole extended family during this time, and well, forever ;)

You have done a remarkable job under very trying and difficult circumstances and as you said,

it is what it is.

LisaC said...

I am moved by your post and your commitment to the children. I honestly can't imagine how I would handle a small child/ren if I was in your position. Your family sounds absolutely lovely and you really have so much to be proud of. When my son was at his worst, I often thought about the fact that I only had one son and so I couldn't focus on a happy, non-addicted child. It led me to challenge my parenting abilities all the time.

You, Fractalmom and all the other grandparents out there that do not abandon their grandchildren when their parents are not healthy is amazing. God gave those children you and there is something wonderful about that.

I like Fractalmom's take on possibly, eventually working out a joing visitation so the kids can spend time together. I hope that for everyone's sake, this can work out.

And your daughter and the family remain in my thoughts and prayers.

Athena said...

Hugs to you both, Fractal and Lisa C... Indeed, it is a lot of work to be raising babes again, just when we should have been able to sit down and read the Sunday paper and drink coffee in leisure after years of using the paper for peek-a-boo and forming blockade around coffee cups. My wonderful husband is a full partner in all of the madness, and as the WonderPet motto goes "What's gonna work? TEAM Work!", lol, we make a good team.

It is so important that parents do not overlook the non-addicted children and family members... it is so easy to be sucked into the "addiction" drama... and nothing can help clarify boundaries than when a parent is tasked with protecting their addicted child's chldren.

I know so many parents struggle with boundries and accept some of the emotional landmines and even physical dangers of letting their addicts come home over and over... We grandparents just don't have that delimma.

Landon and Kaylee do see each other when he has his visitations with the other grandparents. I hope they will always have each other and be close. We will foster that any way that we can.

Anonymous said...

I know that your daughter has received counseling but has she ever been evaluated for mental illness?
I just read your 1st post for the 1st time although I've visited here since before Landon was born, maybe ealier...

What I read about her in that original post makes me think she might have mental illness. I'm leaning toward Schizo-affective disorder, a form of schizophrenia, which my neighbor had growing up.

What you wrote in your 1st post about your daughter reminded me of the other girl.

Tom at Recovery Helpdesk said...

These kids are so lucky to have extended family to love them and take care of them. You are awesome.

mybabygirlisgone said...

I found out 2 days ago that my 16 year old daughter is addicted to heroin. She has been doing it for a year almost daily. Am I blind? She is also diabetic and has been having problems with her sugar control which makes her sleepy and moody. I just thought it was related to that. She ran away for 4 days and called me saying she needed insulin. I took her to the er and with a drug test I found out the rest of our lives had changed forever. I have her in rehab behavorial inst. She has court in two weeks and im going to request she goes to boot camp for 90 days. Im devistated, scared, confused, worried, lost and ashamed.