Monday, November 22, 2010

Mom Stuff... and Wishing You All Safe Holidays

November 21st, My daughter turned 21.  It is so sad and ironic that when all of this started she was 17, and counting the days until she would be "free" of parental restrictions.

I have not heard from her, still.  I did find out that she can receive electronic messages and pictures via "jpay" while she is in state jail - and so I sent her a message and some pictures ... and even $20 for commissary - I can do that on her birthday...  It is always harder on her birthday... and Thanksgiving.
I would have written, but I am still not sure exactly what facility she is in - but Jpay only requires her State CID # - something like that... I am thankful I had some way to try to reach her on her Birthday.


Happy Birthday, Honey. I am not sure you will get this in time, but I hope of course that you know I am thinking of you always, and especially so on your Birthday. I miss you every day, like I am sure you miss your children - that will never change. Your Birthday and Thanksgiving will never seem complete when you are not here. It's been so long.

I am sure there are reasons you have not written - I just want to be sure you know that no matter what, I love you. You are my baby.

Speaking of babies, Landon and Kaylee are doing very well. I have attached recent pictures of them, I hope that you get them. I do not have so many of Kaylee. I see her when we exchange Landon - she is always so sweet and if she's awake, she is smiling. Your sister brought her for the day not too long after you went to LS, and she was just starting to crawl... and very playful. The only thing was when she got sleepy, she was not very patient with regular back-patting or rocking. Finally, I took her to a quiet room without BOYS and tried to do what I imagined you might do. I held her to my chest and swayed side to side, and sang "silent night." She immediately relaxed, and let herself fall asleep in my arms. It may be a coincedence, but that is also what always worked with you when you were a baby.

Landon - well - what a talker! He is so smart, and funny. And SMART. He is weaning himself from his pacifier (his dada) - but still likes it when he goes to sleep. The other night when we wre getting ready for bed, he went in the playroom to get his dada while I was putting dishes up. He came running back looking upset and said "where's my dada?" (Yes, he talks that well!) - I told him it was in the playroom and he said it wasn't, so I went with him to show him - and he was right, it was not where I KNEW he had left it. I turned around & started looking thru his toys, and then he said "It's hid-in-ing!" - I followed him to the futon where he has pillows and stuffed animals, and had to laugh when he got a mischeivious look in his eyes and said "Theres it is! It was hid-in-ing!" and reached behind his monkey and pulled out his dada! He sure was proud of that joke, and I admit he got me good. :-)

These sweet children remind me so much of you, Amanda. So much. I have attached a picture of 1 - Landon at the park, 2- Pirate Landon on Halloween, 3- Landon asleep with "Buzz Woody" - his favorite movie is Toy Story 3... And 4 - Miss Kaylee taken recently in Terrell.

I hope you will write, Sweetheart, but if you don't, please know I am thinking about you, and worrying about you, and loving you.

I will never forget my cabbage patch baby born November 21st, 1989. I look forward to the day when we are together again on your birthday and the holidays. You have a family who loves you and misses you, and only wants all of the good things for you that you are capable of achieving. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. (I will also send some birthday money thru Jpay - I hope you can use it for some comforts. I wish it was a better birthday, Honey. It seems it will not get to you by Sunday, either, but I am sending it as soon as I finish this letter.
I  love you,


I hope you all have a Wonderful, Thankful Holiday


BMelonsLemonade said...

The letter is wonderful. She will probably cry. I did. It makes me even more thankful to be spending this holiday with my parents and my son. Sometimes, I need something like this letter to make me realize just how thankful I am. I hope you enjoy the holiday.

Fractalmom said...

so....y didn't you post the pics for us to see too LOLOL.


Athena said...

Ha, Dawn... I think they are already posted in the last few blogs... I'll check

Hugs, BMLemonade, and thank you.

Athena said...

Pictures added, Fractal :-)

njames said...

You're a great mom, Angel!

jennifer said...

Happy Thanksgiving and Im sorry your daughter wont be with you for Thanksgiving. I am the mom of 2 sons who are heroin addicts. I know the feelings you are dealing with right now. Sending you hugs and joyful thoughts for the Holidays!!

Lou said...

Athena, thank God you are not in that camp of parents who feel you should not write to your kid in jail or prison. Or send them any money. Or accept their calls when they get a phone card. I don't understand that thinking, and I never will. I always wrote, sent money, sent books, and visited, even when it was a day away. I loved my son through the worst of it, and I'm not the least bit sorry/ashamed for it. As a matter of fact, in these last few years I have completely abandoned the rock bottom idea. Your letter is honest and sincere, loving and not at all blaming. You want your daughter to demonstrate the unconditional love you show her to her own children. Keep modeling this love over and over, I believe that is how she will change.

Andrew has 10 months sober, but the time is irrelevant. He changed in prison (18 months); he is living day by day a more honest and spiritual life. In January he will be off parole for the first time in 10 years. Some days I can almost put the horror of the last decade behind me.

He is 28. At 21, he was nowhere close to getting clean. Hang in there, keep doing what you feel is right. You and your husband make a wonderful team. Your daughter and your grandchildren need your strength, hope, and love. Someday they will understand these gifts of the heart you have given so freely.

Love to all, I think of you often.

Athena said...

Absolutely, loving and encouraging our children is *completely* different from not supporting the addict...

Oh Lou - I have missed you! You always have a good way to put my rambles in perspective. This situation can give rise to many emotions day to day - this blog is evident of that... But I will never not love her and support any positive actions.

I'm so happy for Andrew's successes. You both are an inspiration to so many. ~Hugs~

Athena said...

Jennifer - Thank you so much... Hugs to you, too.

MrsMessiness said...


You and your family are always in my prayers. Love to you for the holidays!

Barbara said...

Hi Athena! That was a lovely letter and I know it will touch her (it touched me!) Landon is cuter than ever, what a doll.

I saw the comment from Lou and that made me cry too (guess I am having an emotional day!) but they were tears of just missing her so much! It was good to see what she wrote about Andrew. I need to be reminded that they are not ready until they are ready.

Thinking of you and wishing you and your family a good holiday season!

Anonymous said...

more like 14 ?

Athena said...

14? That's cryptic - can you elaborate?

Melinda said...

my heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to be without our kids on the holidays and although we know their safe in jail or prison we really want them in our home, sober and happy enjoying the love of family.

Anonymous said...

My guess is that the other anon is saying that the drug use started at 14.

Athena said...

Thanks Melinda... And Anon, you may be correct. I don't believe heoroin use started with my daughter at 14, but drinking and smoking pot, yes... possibly heroin too - sigh. It wasn't even on my radar.

Sid said...


I've been a heroin addict for nearly fourteen years, starting at 17.

Ive struggled for years with it, and the damage and pain you cause your family is awful, it also feeds back into the cycle of using though through the guilt!

Interesting blog anyway, I know writing really helps me.. I've recently started blogging about it all anyway


Ive blogged about it anyway

Gledwood said...

You know that saying "this too will pass" it doesn't sound permanent to me. You'll be in touch again.

You don't know what was happening with your daughter when that came in... she might have been trying to spare you her own pain. If I were you I'd just write again and again. Stop don't expect answers... then you know what life's like. You'll get one. Or you'll see her. Something will happen. I don't know you but I have a feeling that it will

Take care :-)

Athena said...

Gledwood, I'm not sure how I misused this comment, but you were spot on... ~HUGS~

Athena said...

*missed* this comment. Geez.