Mom Stuff... and Wishing You All Safe Holidays

November 21st, My daughter turned 21.  It is so sad and ironic that when all of this started she was 17, and counting the days until she would be "free" of parental restrictions.

I have not heard from her, still.  I did find out that she can receive electronic messages and pictures via "jpay" while she is in state jail - and so I sent her a message and some pictures ... and even $20 for commissary - I can do that on her birthday...  It is always harder on her birthday... and Thanksgiving.

I would have written, but I am still not sure exactly what facility she is in - but Jpay only requires her State CID # - something like that... I am thankful I had some way to try to reach her on her Birthday.

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Happy Birthday, Honey. I am not sure you will get this in time, but I hope of course that you know I am thinking of you always, and especially so on your Birthday. I miss you every day, like I am sure you miss your children - that will never change. Your Birthday and Thanksgiving will never seem complete when you are not here. It's been so long.

I am sure there are reasons you have not written - I just want to be sure you know that no matter what, I love you. You are my baby.

Speaking of babies, Landon and Kaylee are doing very well. I have attached recent pictures of them, I hope that you get them. I do not have so many of Kaylee. I see her when we exchange Landon - she is always so sweet and if she's awake, she is smiling. Your sister brought her for the day not too long after you went to LS, and she was just starting to crawl... and very playful. The only thing was when she got sleepy, she was not very patient with regular back-patting or rocking. Finally, I took her to a quiet room without BOYS and tried to do what I imagined you might do. I held her to my chest and swayed side to side, and sang "silent night." She immediately relaxed, and let herself fall asleep in my arms. It may be a coincedence, but that is also what always worked with you when you were a baby.

Landon - well - what a talker! He is so smart, and funny. And SMART. He is weaning himself from his pacifier (his dada) - but still likes it when he goes to sleep. The other night when we wre getting ready for bed, he went in the playroom to get his dada while I was putting dishes up. He came running back looking upset and said "where's my dada?" (Yes, he talks that well!) - I told him it was in the playroom and he said it wasn't, so I went with him to show him - and he was right, it was not where I KNEW he had left it. I turned around & started looking thru his toys, and then he said "It's hid-in-ing!" - I followed him to the futon where he has pillows and stuffed animals, and had to laugh when he got a mischeivious look in his eyes and said "Theres it is! It was hid-in-ing!" and reached behind his monkey and pulled out his dada! He sure was proud of that joke, and I admit he got me good. :-)

These sweet children remind me so much of you, Amanda. So much. I have attached a picture of 1 - Landon at the park, 2- Pirate Landon on Halloween, 3- Landon asleep with "Buzz Woody" - his favorite movie is Toy Story 3... And 4 - Miss Kaylee taken recently in Terrell.

I hope you will write, Sweetheart, but if you don't, please know I am thinking about you, and worrying about you, and loving you.

I will never forget my cabbage patch baby born November 21st, 1989. I look forward to the day when we are together again on your birthday and the holidays. You have a family who loves you and misses you, and only wants all of the good things for you that you are capable of achieving. Stay strong. Keep moving forward. (I will also send some birthday money thru Jpay - I hope you can use it for some comforts. I wish it was a better birthday, Honey. It seems it will not get to you by Sunday, either, but I am sending it as soon as I finish this letter.
 
I  love you,
 
Mom

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I hope you all have a Wonderful, Thankful Holiday

Quiet time... Not Likely

I have been waiting for some solitude to put in an update and do justice to the whole complicated situation. But, I don't really see any solitude or quiet moments of reflection in the near future... that is not a negative in many ways - the time away from the demands of my job is best spent with my husband and Landon and the children who are running the typical gamut of young adulthood... and, it is my pleasure to be involved in the "normal" madness.

We recently celebrated my eldest son's 30th birthday and his engagement to his long time girlfriend. Such a wonderful thing... enjoyed time spent with my 2nd eldest daughter, discussing her challenges with her pre-teen sons and her precocious 5 year old... 3rd eldest is preparing for deployment to Afghanistan and that makes time with him important... 4th eldest daughter has flown the nest and it is fascinating watching her balance work and "life" and how well she seems to be doing it... the youngest daughter is one of the most responsible young ladies I have ever met... not only taking classes and working, but also dedicated to Landon as much as any parent ever was dedicated to a child - she has been with him since day one, and actually we have to help her remember to make time for herself.

And then, there is our addicted one... my youngest, our second to youngest, the subject of this blog... (Norm and I each have three children from previous marriage.) She has been sentenced to State Jail for at least 6 months... she may also get additional time for heroin possession charge that she was on probation for out of different county. "Boyfriend" also got some state jail time - 8 months - for the endangerment to a child charge. Ironically, if he hadn't involved Kaylee in his get-away attempt, I think he'd probably be out again already. My daughter now has a longer rap sheet than he does. I really have difficulty wrapping my head around that. It is what it is...


CPS sent us a letter only last week, a form letter, thanking us for our interest and advising that they investigated the situation and found no basis for a case. Yes - Mom and Dad are both in jail, baby was involved in a crime, everything is OK! I can't really wrap my brain around that one either. Kaylee does seem to be ok for the time being - she is crawling now. We see her when we exchange Landon with the other grandparents, and my 2nd eldest daughter has brought her to visit a couple of times when she watched her for a day or a weekend.

I haven't heard a word from my daughter - unlike all other times, she has not written me even to ask for money. I have written her a couple of times just to let her know I love her and to send her the "Rescue this Child" poem. What else is there to say that hasn't been said in other letters to her in lock-up? It may finally be shame she is feeling - I know she bonded with Kaylee. I don't think it is my place right now to add to that... and if she isn't feeling remorse, what would be the point of communicating any other message? I think she probably wasn't using, except maybe started again shortly before the arrest in August. I have heard there was friction between her and "boyfriend" because he had been using... All I know for sure is she was arrested again - with him - and allowed her daughter to be put in harm's way.

I think I was almost hoping she would get out as in the past and have time with her daughter without "boyfriend" calling the shots - but really, it isn't just his influence on her. It's the whole situation and the decisions she has made - if not him, there is no reason at this point to think there would be anything to keep her from continuing to make poor decisions

And... Life goes on. It's not all bad, it's mostly good. And for now, I know where everyone is and that they are safe (relatively speaking.)

Landon is officially in his "terrible twos" ... meaning, he's hitting all of the landmarks and is doing well. Look at that face and that smile - Who needs solitude? Ok, Ok... anyway, when it's calm, we are usually sleeping :-)

Define "Best Interest of the Child"

Daughter and "boyfriend" remain in Dallas County Jail... CPS has no open case on Kaylee. She is with the other grand-parents still. They told me that Kaylee was "placed" with them, but CPS has told us that there has been no official placement.  We are at an impasse there -

I do not know all of the details, but my daughter's bond amount is now $150,000.00. Her recent theft charges are enhanced previous convictions and violation of probabtion. I don't think she will be getting out soon, but I have been wrong before.  The irony is that "Boyfriend's" total bond amount is less than $3500.00; $1500 of which is for the charge of Abandon/Endanger Child by Criminal Negligence. HE could be released any day.

Based on what I know, when arrested, "boyfriend" took off running with Kaylee in a carrier, tossed her across front seat of car and attempted a get away. Thankfully the officers on the scene stopped him. At some point he was "tazed." (I must admit that I would get great satisfaction if I could have seen that taser action. Sorry, but it's true.) THANK GOD for the quick actions of the Garland PD - I still get nauseous thinking what would have happened if a high chase pursuit had ensued with Kaylee in front seat, unsecured.

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Just When You Least Expect It ....

I swear, I was going to post something - something good. I swear it - and I had come THIS close to accepting that me blogging something positive would not "jinx" any thing... I guess I learned for sure that my daughter's situation happens whether I weigh in or not, or... or... Just thinking about writing something positive is enough to tilt the world on it's axis.

Truth is, I wanted to say I thought she was doing well - I have seen her a few times, briefly, when she has ridden along with the other grandparents when it was time to exchange Landon for his visits.  She looked good - I've seen more of Kaylee because my other daughter was babysitting her while A went to work. To Work! She was working - I was excited about that. So, when I have seen her she's looked  - well, like a tired mom. But what I have worried about is I haven't seen or heard much of anything about "the boyfriend" - and I still believe anyone who chooses his life chooses trouble. I would really like to be wrong about that.

Anyway - short of it is they are both in jail as of last Wednesday. Caught shoplifting is what my daughter told me when she finally called me because... well, because that's the only time I really hear from her.. and since no one got her out before she finally called me.  I will never get over how hard it is to take those calls. Anyway, she told me she hadn't talked to anyone. She was deperate to get out "cause I have to go to work" - I got off the phone, took a breath... then...

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Happy Belated Mother's Day

So many have checked in, and I apologize that I have not written much. We are well... I think of you all often, and I guess I am guilty of illogically feeling that I may jinx something by posting that, as far as I know, my daughter and her daughter are also well. I have been in touch with her by phone, tho I haven't heard from her in a couple of weeks. The last time I saw her was a "Landon exchange" with the other grandparents, and she had a Mother's Day gift for me. She looked good, looked tired, which is how most moms of a 2-3 month old babies look... I hear Kaylee is happy and healthy - she has been there also on a couple of  "exchanges", but not on any the past few weeks.

I want to share, for all  the Moms and Dads, really all who love an addict -  this beautiful and inspiring post by BMelonsLemonade:

Mothers

~Hugs~

Update

I apologize it's been so long since I updated...

Mom and babe are healthy... As predicted, I was only notified that my daughter had delivered the baby because she hemorrhaged and was taken back into surgery several hours after the birth - Thankfully, some who conspired to keep me in the dark understood that I deserved to know when my daughter's life was in the balance.  I don't think I need to explain the awfulness of the hour and 1/2 drive to the hospital praying that my daughter .... well ...

So - Thankfully, the following day she was out of ICU... I was focused on her and the baby and thankful.

On the 2nd day, after I went to the hospital again at my daughter's request, "boyfriend" - nice to my face - later threw a fit about me being there.  In the evening when several family members were there, a nurse came in and said the baby needed to go back to the nursery for tests, and suggested family members step out of the room while she talked to my daughter and "boyfriend"...

We went downstairs, and about 15 minutes later "boyfriend" called me on my cell, yelling that I was not welcome to come back, that my daughter did not want me there, etc etc... Apparently CPS was called, and naturally, it was all MY fault.

Long story short... all were tested. When results came back, all tested clean. My daughter is talking to me on the phone, and I saw the baby on Thursday when we met with the other grandparents to exchange Landon for his visitation with them this week.

Unfortunately, this time and the time before, Landon did not want to go...

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Introducing...

So far it's been a bumpy ride - My daughter has had complications following C-Section and is in ICU - Hopefully out of ICU today.  So this is just a quick update - more later.

We have talked, and she is looking forward to doing the right things and putting this baby first. The other grandmother and I have talked also and we will be ready as family to help the parents, as long as they are doing the right things and putting Kaylie first...

Little Miss Kaylie is doing fine - born 8:15 am yesterday morning:

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Plowing Ahead

No new news, except that I got a promotion at work ... and we got quite a lot of snow, which is unusual in this part of Texas... The next time that we have this much snow fall, Landon may have kids of his own!  He likes snow - very much... we have to spell it, S-N-O-W, unless we are prepared to take him out.

We have a nice park across the street from our house - I thought it would be fun for him to go for a walk, and he agreed - unfortunately, I envisioned the sidewalk that ambles around the park as a nice clear path through the snow. In reality we found about 5 foot of walk fairly clear, and on each side a treacherous path that a few intrepid dog owners had tracked through, leaving footprints that had crusted over with ice...

Of course, Landon was ready to plow ahead, blissfully unaware of the challenges of that path. We slipped through several yards before I decided we needed to turn back...

Daughter's "boyfriend" is out of jail as of last week. New baby due within 2 weeks. The other grandparents will have Landon for the third week of this month.  I wish the path ahead was clearer.

Moving Forward

The No-Drama Zone

Well - not much to tell, but here's an update...

I have seen my daughter twice - she got released from Dallas County shortly after my last post - we were out eating dinner and having a nice time and the phone rang - she was out, at a payphone - and supposedly couldn't reach anybody. It was one of the coldest nights of the year... I was about to go pick her up, but called the "others" first and they were already on their way to get her. Would have been very apropos if I had gone to get her and she was already on her way, with no one calling to tell me. Almost happened.

Anyway - I saw her the last two times we took Landon for exchange. She is very pregnant, looks ok. That's about all I know. I hugged her. She could care less, because, well, she's not in  jail.

She is only there when we are dropping Landon off, never when we pick him up.  She wrote and called me frequently from jail - nothing since she has been out, except that one cold night when she was covering her bases. Yeah, I know.

I did ask her and "boyfriend's" mother at points if she is still seeing the doctor she saw while in jail. Both said a hesitant yes. The "boyfriend's" mom last time told me no, then yes, but that they do NOT have a c-section date scheduled. They "don't know nothin'...  Ok. Fine. Whatever. I have a feeling I may find out about the birth after the fact, and likely not from daughter or "boyfriend's" family.  I have no idea where she is staying - supposedly with a "lady from church." IF that is true I can only imagine the whoppers that good Samaritan was told.

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Ad Vitam Paramus

**Update - she's out, released last night, [Thursday]**

So - She has been transferred to Dallas County.

She called me yesterday & last night and feels confident she will be out within a week. It would not surprise me.

The "boyfriend" is still in VZC; apparently he was indicted on a 2 yr old charge that he had.

My daughter said she was anxious to get out so she could "work on getting him released" ... With a baby due in (glances up) 50 days.

Sigh. Keep the prayers coming!

Keep Moving Forward [don't forget to look back]

It is mind-boggling to me when I look back to January 2008 and January 2009 .... and my friends, when I look back at where you were a year ago, or two... I wonder what this year will hold and what will we think when we look back in January 2011?

I am glad I don't have a crystal ball... without knowing any more than I do, all I can do is the best that I know to do. There is the potential for great things to happen tomorrow. There is the chance of great sadness, too. I will certainly grow wiser, and pray the education is not too steep; that what I learn is something that will pass along to my daughter one day, and something she will pass along to hers.

I am so thankful for my husband and family and friends. I am not unhappy - there is so much love and laughter...  I only wish my daughter was a willing part of it all, feeling it all, facing it all - with us.

Moving forward...

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