You've got a friend

Well, my daughter was moved to the county jail in the county where she was recently indicted for her heroin possession charge - I must admit to a feeling of panic when I was alerted to by the VINES network that her custody status had changed and that she had been released from jail - it was a few hours before I got notice that she was then in custody at the other county jail. "Boyfriend" did not get released.

I don't know really know what to expect, as far as her felony possession charge - It is a pretty serious offense. She wrote to me again right after she was transferred and said she does plan on talking to her new defender and the judge about rehab - actually I got three letters at once and a poem she had written for my upcoming birthday next week - the last time we spoke on the phone and the resulting letter I sent her again seemed to have struck a nerve (I wrote about my frustration in my previous post) - and she had written me to apologize and try to explain better what she meant.

At times she seems so much like the child who was so close to me - I then wrote her a much more thoughtful and encouraging letter... and on the day I mailed it is when I was notified she was transferred - Wow, the letters I write are all hand-written - no copies - and I had spent so much time on that one. LOL. I sure do take a lot of "instant communications" for granted! Anyway. The letter was finally returned to me, so I mailed it off with another letter I wrote to her. I do love her, and cherish this time we have to exchange thoughts via letter. We can't interrupt each other, we can reread - and we can't really fire-off a rapid response that maybe wasn't well thought out, such as happens with email.

She asked me to send the "Rescue This Child" prayer, as the move was so sudden she had left it taped to the wall by her bunk. I think I like the idea of that being there, hopefully it will stay up, for other "lost children" to find. I sent her another.

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Yeah. Right.

Today, I just think it's all still BS - MAYBE she was sincere in her last letter, or maybe she is still just manipulating me. Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely. "Little things" mean a lot in this drama, and are very revealing.

Recently the other grandparents told us we need to change the baby's name on his pediatrician records. TOLD us - nothing subtle or diplomatic about them... we on the other hand try to be reasonable and keep our exchanges with them civil... Anyway, to go back in time a bit: when baby was born, "boyfriend" wasn't there because he got arrested that day. He didn't sign the birth certificate, although he was released from jail later the night the baby was born and camped out at hospital til baby was discharged... He DID NOT WANT his name on there because of CPS records concerning his other children.

Medical records, since day one, have had my daughter's last name as Baby's last name. After a few weeks (& after CPS became involved anyway) a birth certificate name change was filed, so that "boyfriend's" last name replaced my daughter's. Fine. By then the baby was already on my insurance and so at the pediatrician's office we added "boyfriend's" last name, hyphenated to his chart.

I asked my daughter about legally changing the baby's name to include her name, you know, hyphenated. This was in a letter I wrote to her last week. She called last night to tell me that she expected to be released soon from the county jail she is in now... she went with getting felony theft charge dropped and time-served, counter to what she had written... and "boyfriend" went for the same thing. As for the name issue, she told me she "didn't want to make any decisions in jail" - What? "Mom, I just don't want to make any decisions like this now..." What? "Mom! He's his father, they feel strongly about this, it's tradition..."

OMG.

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Patty-Cake on Glass

Last Saturday, I did take the baby to visit with my daughter, his mother, in jail... And, I believe it was the right thing to do, for the right reasons...

It was surreal, with the glass partition and trying to hold the phone to his ear ... and making sure he didn't get it in his mouth or touch anything! LOL... (She is a trustee and cleans the lobby and visitation area, and told me she went xtra heavy on the Lysol in case I brought Baby.) He sat in front of his mom and smiled the winning smile - they played peek-a-boo, they made each other laugh - they made me laugh, too. She looked healthy for the first time in a long time... every time she put her hand up on the glass, he put his up to "touch" it. She got teary a few times, but said she had resolved not to cry because she didn't want to "scare" him... It was a nice visit. She was my daughter, not the hollow shell I've grown to dread seeing. And, she saw, really SAW him - for the first time without heroin clouding her vision. She has court next week on her possession charge, and it is actually the same judge who handled the custody case - this is what she wrote to me after the visit:

"I'm so happy I got to see you and [Baby], thank you so much. The guard on shift... told me when you were leaving that my son is gorgeous. All the officers I work w/ here were very happy I got to see him. That night when I was cleaning the lobby and visit area I showed the woman and officer I work with his hand print on the glass. lol! I got a little sad when I came back, but I just read your poem and I was ok...

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The Nanny Chronicle

Well, I had to let another "Nanny" go... So I had some help at work last week, ha ha. Since I work from home, we really want to be able to keep Baby at home - we have tried live-in and live out arrangements, both. Main problem is what we can afford versus what the "rich" people can afford - Some nannies want as much as I earn! Not that I don't think childcare providers and educators shouldn't be one of the higher paid professions, or that my job is more important than a caregiver's - no, no... Just, if we could afford that, we wouldn't need the help, Alas. When my children were babies I was fortunate to be a full time mom - my rule was no day care until they were old enough to tell me about their day... I don't know how to make a new rule for this child.

Among things I had no knowledge of this time last year is RAD - "Reactive Attachment Disorder" - something of a concern with heroin babies... and we are very careful that the baby isn't affected - He is healthy and happy and secure, and we plan on keeping him that way.

There are times I feel so sad that we have this "Nursery" with a bed, desk, hi-speed internet and a warm family to share with a live-in caregiver of this child - No housework, not 3-5 children - No weekends or evenings (He sleeps with us)... 15-20 hours a week, mostly in the afternoon. Monthly Salary. Perfect for a college student. PERFECT for my daughter, his mother, if only... the "nursery" is the room that used to be hers... and that we lovingly redecorated up in hopes that she would be coming home with her child last summer.

Anyway - will keep doing our best - what else can we do? (My husband got a raise yesterday - WOOT!)

The letters between my daughter and I continue, and I am guardedly optimistic that she is "hearing" me and others who care about her right now... she's a "captive audience." She's clean, she's not with the "boyfriend", she is a "trustee" and able to make occasional phone calls. She's sad and homesick and thinking a lot about her child and is ashamed that she doesn't know him.

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Blog Love

Several updates -

My daughter's letters came to an abrupt halt after I wrote and expressed my concerns about her requests for money, etc (see last post)... She called a few days ago, and told me she was now a trustee and is keeping busy doing laundry, cleaning, etc... again, I don't know much about County Jails, but she seemed happy. She said my latest letter really got to her... yesterday I got another letter reiterating what she told me, and it was a much easier letter to digest than those she has sent before... She seems to be thinking about things as she should - admits she is ashamed of how she has been and what she has done - that when on Heroin she just didn't care... Hope this thought process and communication continues.

The babe is doing fine - the visits with his other grandparents have resumed - I miss him and worry about him when he is not here. Since he goes to a day care when he is with them, he often comes back with colds and such... It just seems unfair to him, but, what can I do? He is getting older and there is more and more of an adjustment needed when he comes home. He will be 7 Months old soon. I do have a short video of him laughing that I'll post when I can figure out how - he thinks it's hilarious when someone sneezes - and can play peek-a-boo for HOURS - lol

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Greetings... sigh

Well, Husband and I went shopping for Valentine's day cards and candy for the kids and grandkids - the only one I had trouble finding a card for was my addicted daughter, who is now in jail...

We joked about the need for greeting cards for inmates - and of course later when I googled it, there it is - www.threesquaresgreetings.com... this picture is from one, under the "tough love" category. There was another that I related to:

No More Promises -

"Outside Message: No More Promises...
Inside Message: When you called recently, I wasn’t very sympathetic. I guess I’ve heard your promises to change too many times. Please - stop promising to change and just do it."
Yep.

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Wings of An Angel ~ A lucid interlude

So much of my time these days is consumed with work... and so much each day gets left undone...

And then precious "extra time" is often spent zoning, blogging about my daughter, thinking, thinking...

So much time that an addicted child consumes, even when all precautions are taken.

I wanted to take this brief space and time to say thank you to my husband - He understands the unfathomable, always takes time to listen, and keeps me and this home running so smoothly.... And you should see him soothing a baby, mediating disputes with the young adults in the house and helping with last minute high school projects - often within minutes of coming home from a long commute from his hectic and stressful fast paced office. In this way, my life is so fair.

Thank your support team, whomever they are ...