On This Night, Christmas Eve

One Christmas, years ago when my youngest daughter was 4 and my two oldest children were in Jr High and High school, it was the end of a very rough year... but I still wanted Christmas to be special, so I loaded up all of the presents I had bought, hid them under a blanket, and the kids and I drove to my sister's house in San Antonio...

That Christmas Eve I was soooo tired and not much in the spirit of Christmas, but of course my littlest one was very excited about Santa's coming visit... ANYWAY - it was getting late so I took her and her 6 year old cousin to bed and read them stories to help them settle down - it wasn't too hard - they were excited, but of course they HAD to go to sleep so Santa would come... and, the next thing I know... The little one is whispering in my ear "Wake up! Wake up! Santa Came!!"

OMG... I had fallen asleep with the girls - I got up slowly, and stalled the best I could, and was still trying to think of a plausible excuse why "Santa" hadn't actually come yet as we padded down the hallway to the living room...

Well - He DID come... My two older children, knowing how tired I was, had decided to let me sleep. When the coast was clear they had gone out to the car & gotten all of the gifts I had been very careful that NO ONE knew about out of the car - and arranged everything so perfectly around the tree, just like I would have done - had meant to do... even their own unwrapped gifts.

That was the year that Santa Really DID Come...

On this special night, I hope your life is touched in some special way... Somehow, another year has passed, and I am amazed at all of the things that are possible - You just can't ever give up, ever. Keep moving forward...

Merry Christmas to all...

I am touched -

I just wanted to post a quick update... I am touched by the replies and emails on this blog, and wish I had more time to write! Babies are a lot of work - ha ha - and so is work. My wonderful husband and I both started new jobs shortly after Baby was born... Never a dull moment!

He is healthy, happy, fat ... and has a smile that would melt the toughest soul...

As for my daughter - Sigh.

Her Birthday was this week - and last night she and "boyfriend" came by for the first time since the week the baby was born in July. I hate that I'm pretty sure her main reason for the visit was hoping I had Birthday money for her. I did not. She is not in rehab, lots of reasons (excuses) why... I was so depressed after she left.

There is MUCH to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, and we are ...

And I hope for all a Happy Thanksgiving

Flash Back... and a request for thoughts and prayers

Our Grandson - September 20, 2008

I am thankful that he is even alive... Keep praying for us all -

(D=Me, A=Daughter L="Boyfriend" K="Boyfriend's Sister" N="My husband")

July 6th, 2008 9:20 am - Awakened by a phone call:

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Never a Dull Moment

I feel so bad that I haven't posted recently... I so appreciate all of the nice thoughts everyone has sent our way, and hopefully one day I'll have some free time to blog a bit. Maybe. One day. (smile)

Brief:

* Husband and I both started new jobs two weeks ago

* Hired a Nanny

* Baby got circumcised last Monday

* We went to court for 1st custody hearing last Tuesday - Daughter & "boyfriend" were no shows, hearing rescheduled

* New Nanny was a no-show last Wednesday

* Baby got to help me fix computers last Wednesday, cause I had taken Monday off and Tuesday morning off already... fortunately I work from home!

* Set a new standard for ad-hoc chaos last Wednesday. Fired Nanny.

* Baby turned 5 weeks old last Thursday - 5 weeks old! My, how time flies...

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Sums it up...

How could she choose ANYTHING over this child?

We are brushing up on our newborn skills and doing quite nicely - no withdrawal signs at all in the little guy, Thank God... Went to the "Family Meeting" late friday at CPS - the "boyfriend's" parents were there, and his great grand-mother... they were very defensive right off the bat, about the previous children that their son lost custody of and the fact that when they visited this new grandbaby in the hospital and at our home, the visit was supervised by me and my husband ... It is so frustrating that people try to make our efforts to protect this child as something personal against them. Yes, the visits were supervised because they were in the company of my daughter and "boyfriend", their son ...

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A new grandson, A new beginning

Oh, what a beautiful baby... mom and baby are doing well. It has been quite a journey these past 3 weeks!

Daughter was "induced" tuesday morning, beginning with a cervadil patch applied to her cervix because she was not quite one centimeter dilated. 12 hours later there was no change, so they applied another patch... Wednesday morning STILL just a centimeter dilated, but "soft", so they began pictocin via IV to get contractions going... she handled the contractions very well, even when they became pretty strong and sometimes only a minute apart.

(She had been off of methadone completely for 2 days, and only 5 mg a day for two days before that, so I was quite surpised that on Tuesday, they were giving her 2 10 mg Norco tablets every 3-4 hours for pain - I thought that was a pretty hefty dose of an opiate (hydrocodone, but they knew her history, so - once she was on the IV they gave her stadol)

Anyway, after 12 hours on the pictocin and pretty strong and regular contractions they checked her and...

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What do you think?

Sooo Close - night before last Dr told my daughter he'd do a sonogram Thursday (today) and maybe induce on Friday... Alas, after sonogram this morning he decided to wait til next week... which is what he said earlier this week. I agree that everyday in the womb the baby gets stronger, but it's hard when daughter gets her hopes up for going into labor and then ... NOT. Actually, the 9th month is a waiting game for almost every pregnancy... she's doing fine.

I tend to "google" a lot, in my never ending quest for information... a recent combination of words found me the blog of a neonatal doctor, and I found it very interesting reading. He seems over-all to be thoughtful, well educated (obviously), and compassionate

"..The mother of the slightly premature baby was very nice and had seemed to have her life together, in spite of the fact that her other children were not in her custody. We were a bit surprised, then, when on the day of the baby's discharge two women we had never seen before walked to his bedside with clothes and a car seat for him...

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She's frustrated...

Daughter is getting good medical care - and I am proud that she is still at the hospital.

Overall, she's been treated very compassionately... Yesterday the "boyfriend" finally left the hospital, but due to his camping out there for a few days, she is now restricted to the floor. Other patients can come and go for short trips downstairs, and she could too, last week ... she's frustrated and understands, but still is chafing at the bit. She made a good point that she is staying there voluntarily, and since there is no restriction on her visitors if she was trying to score in the hospital, she could... I took the day off and spent most of the day with her yesterday, trying to keep her spirits up

Yesterday morning the doctor discussed inducing her, but first wanted to do an amniocentesis to check that the baby's lungs were mature. The test came back that the lungs may not be quite ready. That was a disappointment to all. The procedure was not pleasant for her, but she handled it very well. She started contracting after the procedur for about an hour, then her uterus calmed down.

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The watch continues

The watch continues... I am happy to report that she is still in the hospital, and reality seems to be sinking in. I am glad for that, very glad...

It's sad, too. She is showing an emotion that I haven't seen in her for over a year: Shame. That's a valid thing for her to feel - and it's painful.

She tried to cut back to 5 mg of methadone a day, but she didn't do well - she was disappointed, but the Dr convinced her to do 10mg a day for the next 4 days, and then maybe a lower dose - She does seem to be really thinking of the baby now, and the effects on him, with/without the methadone - another good sign. She was pretty emotional yesterday.

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Venting...

Grrr - I let her get to me... One thing I've learned about heroin addicts is not to take the hurtful things they do personally. It's not always easy to do, especially when the addict is your daughter and knows which buttons to push. So I let down my guard and BAM!

We went to see her yesterday - she's been moved to the antepartum section of Labor & Delivery - her IV's & catheter have been taken out, and they are only putting fetal monitor on twice a day for 20 minutes... My first thought was "oh shit... she could just walk out of here" - Anyway - we took her a care package with basic toiletries, some books, snacks, word puzzles, coloring book & crayon, a teddy bear - the type of comfort things that a parent knows their child likes.

She told us about a visit with hospital social worker she had - she understands she will not be taking baby home with her, and that CPS will be involved, and she'll have A LOT of work to do before she would be able to have custody of her baby.

She doesn't seem very concerned, or upset. Her biggest concern seems to be finding someone to bring "boyfriend" to the hospital. The one who has already lost 3 children to CPS. The one who has been on heroin for 10 years. None of this is surprising, just disheartening. It's not a good sign... a friend reminded me, bluntly, that "she ain't in there 'cause she wants help, she's in there 'cause she ran out of her fix..." - I'm pretty sure no one who cares about her is going to take him to the hospital - if he makes it on his own, there isn't anything we can do about it...

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In Hospital

Daughter called me yesterday morning a little after 9 because she was "sick" - with withdrawal. She and "boyfriend" both - not because they decided to quit, but because her car broke down.

I convinced her to let her dad drive her to the hospital in Terrel (1/2 way between us) - They ended up care-flighting her to Baylor Medical Center in Dallas, because of the high-risk pregnancy and they have a level 3 NICU. Before she was transported she'd started having contractions. She had "all kinds of things going on..." per the nurse

When we got to Baylor about an hour later, they wouldn't let us in to see her - finally the doctor came to talk to us and explained that she had been very combative, they almost used restraints, but once they got some methadone in her, she settled down. We went in and were relieved to see her calm and comfortable. Hungry, even.

Sonogram shows her to be about 36 weeks, her cervix is still thick, and the contractions seemed to have stopped (magnesium.) I like the Doctor - he would like to keep her and see if she'll go closer to full term and is hoping that "free methadone" will be the incentive for her to stay in the hospital. He said he won't discharge her until the baby is born, but they can't force her to stay... he is also going to get psychiatry involved.

Keep us in your thoughts!

The waiting game...

Still no baby... this waiting sure is nerve wracking.

Just like everything else concerning my daughter this past year, it's frustrating to be so powerless to steer her towards positive outcomes... Babies come when they come, of course, but not knowing how "in tune" my daughter is with her body, where she'll be when labor starts, and how she will react - well... you know.

She and the "boyfriend" seem to be spiraling a bit this past week - scamming money, telling stories, etc... She had a court date last week and drove to Dallas for it ... but didn't go - says it was rescheduled. I've heard that one before.

Last night she told her dad her cell phone got stolen -

I really don't know what she is expecting... whether she really believes she is going to be able to keep this baby that she has made absolutely no plans for, choosing the boyfriend's life and addiction, this boyfriend who has already lost 3 children to CPS, instead. She doesn't really talk about AFTER the baby comes - It could be she expects to hand the baby over... It could be that she will be hurt and angry when we intervene. I really don't know...

Happy 4th, every one ... be safe

No turning back...

How it will all turn out... Daughter 18 and her boyfriend, addicted to heroin, and a baby due any day... she hasn't had prenatal care since April. I did my best "fundus measurement" in a brief visit with her, and the tape measure shows 38 cm. How to reach her? How to protect her from herself? More importantly, how to protect the child on the way without alienating my daughter even more? (Imagine - the only thing MORE alienating than heroin)

My maternal instinct has and remains painfully strong. I will protect the innocent to the best of my ability, including obtaining custody as long as necessary to ensure the baby is not exposed to heroin and it's consequences once born.

I am praying that my daughter will give birth not only to a healthy child, but also to this prevailing mother-love that will finally be the factor that moves her to get away from heroin and heroin users for good.

As we head into summer...

As I head into the summer, I am optimistic about many things, and of course concerned about a lot of things... Daughter's pregnancy is advancing and she seems to be doing well, although as far as I know she hasn't had another OB/GYN appointment, which is a concern. To recap, shortly after she was bonded out of jail by "boyfriend's" parent on heroin possession charge I contacted her OB/GYN to inform them of her heroin use during pregnancy... I still think it was the right thing to do, in light of things that she had told me - but, no suprise, it angered her A LOT, and I haven't seen her since... I have been in contact with her though, and I am glad for that.

She and her "boyfriend" are living with her father - Around Mother's day I printed off some family photos of her and her family over the years - and used them as stationary to let her know how much we (her family) have always loved her & still do - and to let her know that I miss her and am happy to hear from her father that she is doing well. I made a point of not dwelling on heroin, et al... just reminding her that I am here for her if she needs me. She responded with a very nice phone call, and since then we have talked several times. I have sent her books (She loves to read - I resisted the urge to send her self-help books - I ordered her books by Stephanie Myers, her new favorite author who has a trilogy "The Twilight Saga" that is very popular ... about vampires, I think. She's always liked Stephen King, VC Andrews, Dean Koontz, etc. I did slip in "Heading Home with Your Newborn: From Birth to Reality" LOL. She called to thank me when she got the books... unfortunately, the Meyers book was the Spanish version, which was pretty funny. Yesterday I mailed her a return label so that she could send it back to Amazon, and I included some maternity clothes for her.

Her dad thinks they are staying clean, and when I talk to her she sounds good, so I am going with that for now - The baby is due in July, and I don't want to be estranged. Her father and I have just about talked her into returning to her OB/GYN here... They drug tested her on her last appointment in April, and she told me that it was "clean" ... if true, there is no reason for her to avoid the Doctor, who she really liked.

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Not so good, after all

With regards to last post, up until about 9:30 this morning, I was still under the assumption that things are good - better even than the last time I posted. I had helped my daughter find another ob/gyn because the atmosphere at the office of the one she had been seeing just wasn't good - She had her first appointment with new Dr yesterday and was so excited - a direct quote from my daughter: "I love, love, love her!!!" The office was friendly and nurturing, and treated her with respect. She was particularly touched that they gave her a diaper bag filled with samples and pamphlets and etc... And that's what prenatal visits should be, what I remember them being: Something to look forward to, a nurturing environment.

My daughter even called me at about 11pm to thank me once again for all of my help and emotional support. She sounded good. Happy.

Well. The call this morning was to inform me that my daughter is in jail. Details are sketchy... Apparently both she and her "boyfriend" (see earlier posts) were arrested. When bondsman office called, I learned that my daughter is being held on a "possession of a controlled substance" in the county jail in the small E. Texas town she is living in. Heroin.

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Things are good...

I feel so bad that I haven't kept up with this blog - it's such an odd feeling... I was so compelled to write and find others to share with, to be inspired with, to laugh & cry with. Writing about my daughter and her heroin addiction really is helpful to me, and it's amazing the insights I discover while actually putting thoughts in writing.

And the caring people that I have met and followed with their own addiction issues - their own or a friend or family member... I kind of have a writer's block, I think, because... things. seem. to. be. going. well. It's such an odd, superstitious type thing and I'm a bit ashamed of myself for it. I almost feel

1.) That I don't want to jinx anything
2.) I don't want to seem naive
3.) Could it be this simple?

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I love this one, too

I can't tell you the emotions upon seeing the first image of my child's child ... at almost 12 weeks gestation.

I am pro-choice, which means I accept the choice that my daughter made... 'nuff said.

I am a bit frightened about how painful it is too love someone and yet have no control over that person... I have been contemplating that aspect of myself this weekend, and it is helpful to remember the serenity prayer...

My daughter came by before and after the doctor visit last week -

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I just read “Candy” by Luke Davies – a novel about addiction that is very informative about the way heroin addicts think – also, for me, it was chilling in that one of the characters is a beautiful girl who falls in love the main protagonist, an older man who has used heroin for years – and he gets her hooked, also. The irrational thinking, especially about Candy’s pregnancy, seems very apropros to me and was enlightening in a way that I never hoped to need. Supposedly it is now or soon will be a movie - wonder if i'll watch it? I wonder if SHE'LL watch it.

Last I heard anything was on the eve of 12-27. I missed a call at 7pm from a nurse at a hospital in East Tx... The vm said "I just spoke with you about your daughter - she is being released now but doesn't have her cell phone and needs a ride".... Of course, I hadn't talked to anyone there. So I called the hospital and they were a bit confused, then embarrassed - earlier they had talked to her "boyfriend's" mom, and had been told that was the mother... they coouldn't tell me what she had been treated for, due to HIPPA laws. Sooo - that's the last I heard - she hasn't returned any calls or txt messages. Obviously he had her phone and car...

I have been keeping track of her cell phone records - as of New Years day there were several calls to local pawn shops.

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