500 Lb Gorilla in the Room

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! Ours was very nice after all, after we got Landon home. He is full of his usual vim and vigor, chattering away, excited by life and glad to be home.  We have a new nickname for him: "Typhoid Landon"... Me, Norm and M all got his virus, and it's tenacious... No wonder he was so ill.

Well, having spent a bit of time in close quarters with the other grandparents, some things were re-assuring, such as his "mee-maw's" sweetness to him. Some things were concerning, some things confirmed, and most things status quo.  The weirdest thing of all to me is this: We are all gathered in a room, caring and worrying about this sweet child that we are responsible for because our children, his parents, are addicts and both are in jail ... and the fact that my daughter is 8 months pregnant, a new grandchild is on the way, was not discussed. De ja vous.

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Discharged from Hospital This Evening

It's been quite a ride... Landon was released sometime between 4-5:30pm - since it is the other grandparent's visitation time, he went home with them. Unfortunately, I doubt I'll have any other info until Friday when we get him back. I didn't even know he'd been discharged until I called at 5:30pm to see if the Dr. had been back to check on him. I had asked them to call me. They were already headed home. Kind of frustrating, that. I'll have to assume that no news is good news.

I was there until about 2pm today - we had expected him to be released this morning, but the Dr was concerned because his breathing was still a bit fast and shallow and so wanted him to stay a bit longer and said that she'd come back by later in the day to see how he was.

Landon sure was ready to go - he had had enough of hospitals! He did get a special visit from some of the Dallas Cowboys and one of the cheerleaders. It is nice that they take the time to visit the children. Landon will be proud of the pictures and autographs one day, I am sure - but at the time he was still pretty wary of anyone he didn't know that came into his hospital room.

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Update on the Little Patient

***Update Sunday: Landon isn't going home today - hopefully tomorrow - He is feeling MUCH better, but he still has to make it through the night without oxygen, and it didn't happen last night. He did get his IV disconnected - the stint is still in place, but no more IV tube to trip us up***

Thank you SO much for the thoughts and prayers.

The other grandparents stayed with him last night so that we could catch up on sleep - It's been tough, days a blur - but the toughest time has of course been had by Landon.

We spoke this morning with The other grandfather - Landon is off of oxygen, which is GREAT news - what they need to see is him going through the night without the oxygen, and then that extending through his waking hours - so far, so good. He was still on IV Fluids - but when we left last night he was drinking juice and was more himself than he's been in a few days - fiesty enough to wreak a tangled havoc on all of the tubes...

Anytime a new unknown person walked into his room yesterday. he burst into tears - certain that they were coming to "hurt" him, I guess... the only treatments that he seems to like are the breathing treatments and the "percussions" when a respitory therapist pounds on his back with a little soft cuppy thing to help break up mucous.  The first time we saw that, it was like "Holy Cow! Now they have to beat him, too!" - lol - it looks and sounds like he's getting some stout blows... but the PT took my arm and pounded it with the "precussor" and, yeah, very soft. Whew.

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Landon Is In the Hospital

Just a quick update. We took Landon to the ER last night at 9pm... he has been diagnosed with RSV... A very nasty virus I knew little about until yesterday.

He was admitted and got to ride in an ambulance to the Pediatric Unit of another Dallas Hospital at 2am.. Poor little guy. He's been poked and prodded (5-6 blown IV's) and the saddest thing of all is we just can't explain why to him. He's sleeping now, Thankfully.

Everyone is working together for Landon, I am so pleased to report. Please keep him in thoughts and prayers...

I call her an Angel

Sometimes someone else says it all so well - Here it is -

What a Junkie Mom Misses

Thanks and Bless you, Fractal Mom, for the difference you make in your granddaughters' lives

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About a Boy and his Pacy

Landon was greeted by us eagerly and was happy to see us - and his pacy. "Mean grampy" (Cheri, I think you get credit for that one - lol) wasn't there... but that wasn't the point, really - He can take it or leave it as far as we are concerned. The baby, that is. That's the thing - there are plenty of no-no's and rules and they are very important because of safety. Then there are rules that we teach by example - sharing, playing nice, no hitting, respecting others, the golden rule, etc etc... We're not going to just make them up so we can be in control - sigh.

I want to say that I got an email from Landon's paternal Aunt, K, and we talked a good while. She would like readers of this blog to know that:

"As the daughter of the "mean" grandpa, being sober my entire life, the mother of 3 beautiful boys, friend of the author of this blog, and aunt of "Baby Landon" as my boys call him, I would like to share that I have not seen a pacifier in Landon's mouth for several months. I personally only allowed my children to have a pacifier until the age of three months because I offered them the comfort they needed and refused to have to pay for the dental problems that may occur because of long term use. He is not under stress or dismay at my parents' house, in fact we spend many days as a family going to the park, shopping, playing outside, playing peek-a-boo, visiting family members in the area, watching "Winn Dixie", and many other family oriented activities. My parents are moral, ethical, CHRISTIAN, people ... We are not horrible people, just on the other side of the fence...."

I would just like to re-iterate one more time then let it rest: What he did in yanking the pacifier out of Landon's mouth and how he did it and what he said and why was wrong. It happened. It's wrong for anyone to act that way. Clearly we disagree with their family view point on pacifiers, but not "just because" ... a member of their family works in a dentist's office, so maybe, just maybe, they will take the time to read and share what American Academy of Pediatric Dentistry has to say about pacifiers.

It's not really about what we grandparents think about pacifiers.

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Babies suck sometimes...and so do adults

So far, a routine in all of our lives for over a year has been the regular meetings with the other grand-parents to exchange Landon for their visitations... every 1st 3rd and 5th weekend.  I really believe it's been harder on us than on Landon... but the last few times he's seemed a bit like "uh, wait..." - just a flicker of concern. Maybe my imagination.  In any event, we make it as easy on him as possible - we act positive and matter of fact, and all goes pretty smoothly.

Well, the last time, not so much. Landon had had a hard week, a schedule disrupted by holiday travel, new childcare arrangements, and the day before the "exchange", 3 shots on a well-baby visit. He was in a pretty good mood though, as we drove the 30 minutes to the McDonald's that is the 1/2 way point where we meet the other grand-parents.

The other grand-father walked over to the door of our van where Norm was getting him out of his car seat. Norm lifted him out and was making polite small talk, and about to hand Landon over when the other grand-father reached up and yanked Landon's pacifier violently out of his mouth and threw it into our van, with some comment about "that damned thing out of his mouth..." - I was in shock. Landon's face crumpled and he started wailing... and the other grand-father took him from Norm and walked away to his car. It took great restraint on our part not to react, which would have only made the situation harder for Landon.

I hope that Landon got over it quickly - I know that we did not. It was a senseless and cruel thing to do, and blatantly disrespectful to Landon and to us.

We had heard that they do not allow Landon to have a pacifier when he is with them - we heard third hand, of course, they have never discussed it with us... so far there have been no issues about it. But what he did really pissed me off. It wasn't too hard to imagine him telling Landon gruffly to quit acting like a baby and be a man.

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Quick update

In a letter today, learned that my daughter has had a sonogram and she is healthy and the baby is healthy as well. She is 25 weeks, and the baby is a girl.

I don't know much more than that - she has spoken with a lawyer and is keeping her hopes up that she will be released before the baby is born, but I don't think that is realistic. She does seem to want us involved, either way.

Her due date is February 26, but a c-section is scheduled for Feb 19th, because of the c-section before. That seems like a blessing; the thought of her going into labor in jail is pretty awful. I hope at least this one "known" doesn't change.

Her spirits seem good overall, and she is getting good prenatal care, unlike last time. Her birthday is next weekend - she will be 20.

Landon is doing great - so smart - so funny. He's been very generous with hugs and kisses this week, and they are so sweet. Pictures tomorrow.

Have I mentioned my husband is amazing? His reaction to the news that it is a granddaughter on the way in February? "A girl... I am already crazy about her"

G'nite

Intricate as a Fugue

Wow - what a day. Sure miss servers when they are down! In the world of tech support, especially.

No news to report on the "situation" - I did get a long letter from daughter yesterday, though. Predictable, sad. She sure knows my buttons. I'll breathe deep before replying.  She did request another copy of "rescue this child" poem - I can do that, easily.

Syd's recent post about Beauty prompted me to share this poem here that I ran across in 2005 while husband and I were in the mountains of Texas, and that I have been thinking of lately:

Ars Poetica of a Desert Dweller:

Soon I'll be speeding

Through a cement-sliced canyon

towards wages and work, a steel key turning

In a steel lock, but first I

stop

on my way to the car

and kneel

the better to see a needle-misted cactus

among broken rocks

crowned by a ruby-petalled star

smaller than a fawn spot,

intricate as a fugue. Tiny Flower,

fleck of fire, beauty indifferent

to indifference, teach me.

~ Laura Long

Paradox Acknowledged

You may remember this post: Oh I Hope Not?

Apparently this is the case. My goodness, when it rains it pours... or it feels that way to me, in the current situation... Much of this has been going on over past few months, and I am only recently learning of it.

5 months pregnant and in jail again. Deja Vous. Chances are likely this child will be born in prison. I stand firm to the ideal that a child is born to responsible, drug-free, law-abiding parents. However, many wonderful people would not be here today is that was the reality. Do I love my daughter? Oh yes. Would I get her out of jail if I was financially able? No. Am I happy that my daughter is pregnant and in jail? No. Can I personally do anything about this current situation? No. Do I have a crystal ball? Obviously not.

Still processing the info - but I have to say again that I have the most beautiful and supportive husband. He doesn't process over-much - He faces life head on and helps me to do the same.

A new life deserves recognition and welcome - this child deserves all of the love and hopes and dreams and prayers that are typically bestowed upon an eagerly anticipated child, this is a firm belief, I have none other that contradict. I shall start making this child a baby blanket, as I did for it's brother.

The Paradoxical Commandments
by Dr. Kent M. Keith

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I Don't Know Much... in this case, that's a lot

Daughter has so far called me twice from jail - this is new - Not new that she is calling me now that she is in trouble, no no, that is the way it's been for past couple of years... but this time she is calling collect - at $9.99 a call - Can't keep that up - Geesh. Before, when she was in this county jail, she called me often, I guess from a guard's cell phone. She's obviously not a trustee these days.

The calls are hard, and I told her I can't accept anymore because of the expense. That's is true, but also because of the emotional toll. As a parent there is a certain tone of voice or cry that we do recognize as genuine hurt, or fear - and as parents, we want to console. And, I can't in this case. I also don't see any point in reminding her NOW that I haven't heard from her since the last time she was in jail and giving lectures... truly, any valid point I have to make does indeed sound like I am doing that. She tells me she was doing so good, was clean, etc, etc... All I know for sure was last I heard from her she was in jail, and now she is in jail again... It does seem to be true that she hasn't gone thru withdrawal like before. BUT - I also know thru others that she isn't telling me everything (obviously.) I truly cannot help her in any way - except to take care of her child.

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Headed to the fair

I spoke with daughter briefly on the phone the other day - no real updates. Her bond is $200,000 - I think she'll be there a while. I really don't know much else.

Today, husband took some time off and we are taking baby to the State Fair. Of course, it has been raining cats & dogs since about 2am. Who cares! Maybe means less crowded, more for us! Funnel Cakes, here we come!

(Thank you all for your kind thoughts and prayers... I added a new link - Dad on Fire - what an apropos name, right?)

How many more chances?

My day started out ok - But we all are now familiar with the random phone call that just knocks the breath out of us. I do not know how exactly, but I felt it building.

I am numb, maybe I shouldn't do this, but I feel as if the integrity of this blog is at stake if I do not share this now. As Lou so recently pointed out: "Their entire profile is on the internet at the department of corrections and the county court's website. Uhh, I don't think your blog is any big smear to her reputation."

Yes, yes, everyone is presumed innocent until proven guilty - but just as true is the concept of guilt by association. The consequences of drug abuse and it's stereo-typical lifestyle cannot be trivialized.























My daughter and her "boyfriend", the parents of my grandson, the focus of this blog are still at large -

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Little Bird...

I have always loved Fiddler On The Roof ... My daughter watched it often with me, and loved it too. We also watched Jesus Christ Super Star, Hair, The King & I. Often. We had so many small joys in common and I cherished snuggling up to watch a classic, or discussing books we read. I suppose I am a bit melancholy right now - It happens. Some things that I do without her now, that we used to do together, have such a different meaning than when she was safe beside me.

This scene reminds me so much of her... if you haven't seen the movie, hard to explain, but I think many of us can relate to the sentiment. A parent's pain & confusion when a child goes against all they had hoped for the child. 

https://youtu.be/juuhx884ylM

Well, That'll Teach Her...

Well - My daughter finally had her "day in court" for heroin possession. And the verdict is.... Deferred Adjudication. I hope that makes sense one day to the people who love and care for her.

On a happier note - baby has a laptop now so he can work like I do :-)

Short respite

I highly recommend taking a break, even a small one :-)

Baby is with other grandparents, and husband and I both took time from work to have a long weekend - and took a road trip - Left Friday, back Saturday. In our case, the where wasn't so important - just the fact that the two of us got away, alone. Very nice. Highly recommended.

Alive and supposedly well

Well, a family member recently saw daughter - said says she actually looks pretty well.

Her reason for not contacting me apparently is

1. I am too hard on her
2. First time I saw her out of jail I did not hug her (see Baby Steps)
3. My blog here has put her life on display

Sigh. Family member also reports that the real truth is likely she prefers to surround herself with people who feed into her BS. Sadly, I must agree. This would be the "boyfriend's" family.

But. I am glad if she really is doing well. I would be happy to shout from rooftops, mountains, blogs the good news - a recovery story - a happy ending. [A new beginning]

Until then, I'll post as I see fit - what I feel, what I believe, what I know... what I think may help other parents and addicts. I don't know any other way to do it.

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A week can seem so looooong

It's been an intense past 7 days... I've been rattled a bit. I keep reading about people taking vacations... longingly... we love to travel and used to do so, but with baby, work, etc, we knew it would be "less" this year - but I think we do need a get away weekend. Soon.

Last night my sweet husband came home early from work, which just never happens, very ill - he was shivering like crazy, and despite ibuprofen, his fever continued to rise. When it jumped to 103.3 f we knew he had to go to clinic - The nanny had just reported that her son had flu and she would be home with him for two days, so I was so worried about Husband, he just never gets sick, and also concerned about the baby and others in house catching it. Good News/Bad News - Not the flu - But husband has pneumonia :-( and feels awful... I think worse for him is he had to stay home and he worries about his clients - worse for me is trying to make him rest. He got a big shot and is on antibiotics. OH - and, this morning he had an allergic reaction to the codeine cough medicine prescribed. Poor Big Guy. Did I mention that my day yesterday started with a one-year check up for Baby - he's doing great, yay! But he had to get shots and so has been a bit cranky. Poor little guy. Laughing and playing and jabbering away and then someone pokes him in both thighs - that really really hurt his feelings.

I empathize completely. Sometimes things happen that just so do not make sense and can't be explained and certainly do not seem fair at all.

Last Wednesday afternoon, I was sitting at my desk doing my thing... Husband had just gotten home from work - Baby was with the other grandparents, life normal (as normal as our life is, normally, anyway, ha ha. ) You know from last posts daughter has been on my mind - so stage is set:

Another daughter knocks on bedroom/office door and tells me that a -- County constable is at the door asking for me. Well. I fell apart almost immediately. -- County is where my daughter "lives" and where the baby goes when other grand-parents have visits, so I just knew that I was about to hear that they had found my daughter's body or something had happened to the baby. How I made it to the door, I do not know...

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Oh, I hope not

Ever been relaxing, reading a book, drifting off to sleep and have a bone-jarring thought?
I did last night.

What if she's pregnant again?

Could that be why no one has seen or heard from her lately?

There are other explanations, of course. I sure hope so.

I miss her, conditionally

I miss my daughter.

A few times this weekend I've let my thoughts "go there" - and quickly retreated, cause it hurts.

I haven't heard from her in months... neither have other family members, which is different than it's been before. I miss the letters from jail... for a while there was steady communication - I know it won't be there, but I still am letdown when there is nothing in the mailbox. Sigh. She knows how to call, write or visit.

I saw her a couple of times briefly, and she didn't look like anyone I know. Truthfully, I do not miss "that" person... but I mourn for the sweet, sassy daughter that was.

I also feel guilty, because I could attempt to reach out to her - the "boyfriend's" family could probably get a message to her. BUT - what I don't miss are the drama calls... I'm pretty sure she isn't in touch cause she doesn't want my no-money, no-enabling, no-BS brand of mothering. I'm sure she knows I love her.

I just miss my daughter. Baby is with other grandparents this weekend - and I had two days off of work... "quiet time" doesn't do me as much good as it seems it would in theory, ha ha... Between work and the baby, I have a pretty good outlet for maternal feelings and a feeling of control over outcomes. Busy is good.

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Having his cake and eating it too...

Ok, he REALLY likes Birthdays. Not sure we thought this one out beforehand - but no ill effects today :-)

Thanks all for the sweet B-day thoughts - and we keep moving forward... Safe from any recent "heroin drama", thankfully

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Happy Birthday Little One

Happy Birthday Little One...

It's hard to believe it's been a year - and also hard to believe it has turned out as it has. But - Baby's life is a celebration of many things - That he arrived into this world safely and unharmed by his parent's addiction is a miracle - Might not others follow?

Baby is with his other grandparents today - we will pick him up this evening. I don't know if my daughter spent his birthday with him or not. It is so incredibly sad that she chose heroin over this child - I can't understand it. I believe she doesn't understand it. I am thankful right now that Baby is unaware.

For him, so far, life is Light and Love and Laughter and Security :-)

The "Hot Stove" Rule

I was reading a fellow parents blog, and a recent topic was boundaries, and setting them , and then, most importantly, following through. It is one of the hardest things about loving an addict. It reminded me of an article that I find helpful in many aspects of my life - I thought I would share

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Passing it Forward...

Things are relatively calm here. Well, no addict drama anyway - still no call from daughter - I did get notified by vines that she has an upcoming jury trial for her possession charge. I've said it before, but again, it is so surreal that I am praying for her to return to jail.

Other than that, we live life, and it's a good one. The best nanny in the world is on vacation, and we miss her terribly! Had "Camp Grammy" last week with my 3 other grandsons and their mom, my oldest daughter. Fun, chaotic, exhausting... Life. It also helps to have such a wonderful, supportive husband to laugh about it with. That's him, welcoming Baby to this life almost a year ago. The foundation is unsinkable. Life. Love. Clarity.

Baby will be 1 year old on the 24th - incredible journey, this past year - and the comments and prayers and positive thoughts did, do, and will always be such a gift. I find my self thinking of you all often. I may not comment regularly, but I'm here, and following, and in awe of you all.

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Baby Steps

Baby is walking ! :-)

I have still not had a call or letter from his mom, my daughter, since she got out of Jail in May...

I saw her ONCE - when we went to meet the "boyfriend's" parents to exchange Baby for their visit - 3 weeks after she was released from jail... She was with them! It made me physically ill to see her, with them - she did not look healthy. I really had nothing to say to her - especially not in front of them... For days I felt so insulted, and viewed it as calculating on all of their parts to hurt me - but I have come to believe that the truth is, in this case, they simply do not think about me or my husband, or really anyone but their Big Addicted Baby.

The other Grandfather made a very suprising gesture last week - He had 5 cans of baby formula that *we* pay $25 a can for... asked if we could use them. NEVER have they offered to help with diapers, formula, etc... We said "Sure" and "Thank you!" and asked how he came about this windfall. The answer? "Well, we get it through medicaid, and it's about to expire - He's almost a year old now"

SO TYPICAL. How thoughtful of them. I forgot they lied from day one and said he lived with them. Nice.

Alas - Life goes on.

I found this recently - Heroin Alert - Erin's Story

Did I mention that I HATE HEROIN?

Goodnight Moon

Baby is back here with us...

Did I over-react? No. His parents are addicts and the other grandparents do not know how to say no to them, but will go to great lengths to cover up.

Not sure what happened, except they bailed my daughter out so she could be with their son - we were scheduled to pick the baby up tonight at 7:30pm - The other grandmother called about 11 am to ask if we could meet their daughter at 12:30pm to get the baby - supposedly grandpa wasn't feeling well. Maybe they realized they'd been conned - I don't know. My daughter hasn't called me, still. Which is fine. Her actions speak pretty clearly. She was straight, in jail anyway, and still manipulating anyone who will let her.

Fractal mom is right... what I want for my daughter and what I can actually do for my daughter right now don't seem to have much in common, except where not "playing" the game, not "saving" her, not enabling her, and keeping Baby safe are the right things to do.

As the World Turns and Stars Align...

I feel quite nauseous.

I knew "boyfriend" got released from jail last week... and just got notice from Vines Link that my daughter got bailed out today. The baby is at the other grandparent's house, in the county where they both are, together... "Boyfriend" was spotted there the other day.

Pretty sure they, the other grandparents, bailed her out. No one else is that careless, or can afford it.

I just feel sick. She's not ready. I hate them.

I Think This Just About Covers Us Moms...

I'm not sure who the Author of this is... But I bet it was a Mom...

Happy Mothers Day My Friends

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A brief glimpse - a flashback - a question

Today it seems important to share this. My daughter long has had a phrase she felt was important: "If Not Now, When?" - We've talked about it recently, she's reminding herself. It's been SUCH a long journey, and she has left so many people hurting in her wake - but no one more so than herself. I just had to write to her in jail that her grandmother passed away on Thursday. They were so close - except my daughter hasn't seen her in 2 years. I think she thought, if she thought at all, that she would always be there, waiting.

In her last letter, my daughter asked me to tell her grandmother that she loved her and was sorry that she let her down and hasn't been there for her. I believe her grandmother heard those words the day before she passed away, as I read them to her.

Anyway - This is from my daughter's blog - in September of 2007. I wish I could share it with HER right now - and remind her once more... If not now, when?

The video is a compilation of her and family and friends, set to two of her favorite songs... she's the little one with long dark hair, blue bandana, sweet smile & cocky attitude. My baby. The video won't stay up long - just a glimpse of real people, her life.

Below it is a blog she posted 4-5 months after we found out about the heroin in 2007... a year before her son was born to addicted parents

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You've got a friend

Well, my daughter was moved to the county jail in the county where she was recently indicted for her heroin possession charge - I must admit to a feeling of panic when I was alerted to by the VINES network that her custody status had changed and that she had been released from jail - it was a few hours before I got notice that she was then in custody at the other county jail. "Boyfriend" did not get released.

I don't know really know what to expect, as far as her felony possession charge - It is a pretty serious offense. She wrote to me again right after she was transferred and said she does plan on talking to her new defender and the judge about rehab - actually I got three letters at once and a poem she had written for my upcoming birthday next week - the last time we spoke on the phone and the resulting letter I sent her again seemed to have struck a nerve (I wrote about my frustration in my previous post) - and she had written me to apologize and try to explain better what she meant.

At times she seems so much like the child who was so close to me - I then wrote her a much more thoughtful and encouraging letter... and on the day I mailed it is when I was notified she was transferred - Wow, the letters I write are all hand-written - no copies - and I had spent so much time on that one. LOL. I sure do take a lot of "instant communications" for granted! Anyway. The letter was finally returned to me, so I mailed it off with another letter I wrote to her. I do love her, and cherish this time we have to exchange thoughts via letter. We can't interrupt each other, we can reread - and we can't really fire-off a rapid response that maybe wasn't well thought out, such as happens with email.

She asked me to send the "Rescue This Child" prayer, as the move was so sudden she had left it taped to the wall by her bunk. I think I like the idea of that being there, hopefully it will stay up, for other "lost children" to find. I sent her another.

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Yeah. Right.

Today, I just think it's all still BS - MAYBE she was sincere in her last letter, or maybe she is still just manipulating me. Either way, I worry that a key part of her emotional development was lost to drugs, and wonder if she will ever be able to sync completely. "Little things" mean a lot in this drama, and are very revealing.

Recently the other grandparents told us we need to change the baby's name on his pediatrician records. TOLD us - nothing subtle or diplomatic about them... we on the other hand try to be reasonable and keep our exchanges with them civil... Anyway, to go back in time a bit: when baby was born, "boyfriend" wasn't there because he got arrested that day. He didn't sign the birth certificate, although he was released from jail later the night the baby was born and camped out at hospital til baby was discharged... He DID NOT WANT his name on there because of CPS records concerning his other children.

Medical records, since day one, have had my daughter's last name as Baby's last name. After a few weeks (& after CPS became involved anyway) a birth certificate name change was filed, so that "boyfriend's" last name replaced my daughter's. Fine. By then the baby was already on my insurance and so at the pediatrician's office we added "boyfriend's" last name, hyphenated to his chart.

I asked my daughter about legally changing the baby's name to include her name, you know, hyphenated. This was in a letter I wrote to her last week. She called last night to tell me that she expected to be released soon from the county jail she is in now... she went with getting felony theft charge dropped and time-served, counter to what she had written... and "boyfriend" went for the same thing. As for the name issue, she told me she "didn't want to make any decisions in jail" - What? "Mom, I just don't want to make any decisions like this now..." What? "Mom! He's his father, they feel strongly about this, it's tradition..."

OMG.

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Patty-Cake on Glass

Last Saturday, I did take the baby to visit with my daughter, his mother, in jail... And, I believe it was the right thing to do, for the right reasons...

It was surreal, with the glass partition and trying to hold the phone to his ear ... and making sure he didn't get it in his mouth or touch anything! LOL... (She is a trustee and cleans the lobby and visitation area, and told me she went xtra heavy on the Lysol in case I brought Baby.) He sat in front of his mom and smiled the winning smile - they played peek-a-boo, they made each other laugh - they made me laugh, too. She looked healthy for the first time in a long time... every time she put her hand up on the glass, he put his up to "touch" it. She got teary a few times, but said she had resolved not to cry because she didn't want to "scare" him... It was a nice visit. She was my daughter, not the hollow shell I've grown to dread seeing. And, she saw, really SAW him - for the first time without heroin clouding her vision. She has court next week on her possession charge, and it is actually the same judge who handled the custody case - this is what she wrote to me after the visit:

"I'm so happy I got to see you and [Baby], thank you so much. The guard on shift... told me when you were leaving that my son is gorgeous. All the officers I work w/ here were very happy I got to see him. That night when I was cleaning the lobby and visit area I showed the woman and officer I work with his hand print on the glass. lol! I got a little sad when I came back, but I just read your poem and I was ok...

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The Nanny Chronicle

Well, I had to let another "Nanny" go... So I had some help at work last week, ha ha. Since I work from home, we really want to be able to keep Baby at home - we have tried live-in and live out arrangements, both. Main problem is what we can afford versus what the "rich" people can afford - Some nannies want as much as I earn! Not that I don't think childcare providers and educators shouldn't be one of the higher paid professions, or that my job is more important than a caregiver's - no, no... Just, if we could afford that, we wouldn't need the help, Alas. When my children were babies I was fortunate to be a full time mom - my rule was no day care until they were old enough to tell me about their day... I don't know how to make a new rule for this child.

Among things I had no knowledge of this time last year is RAD - "Reactive Attachment Disorder" - something of a concern with heroin babies... and we are very careful that the baby isn't affected - He is healthy and happy and secure, and we plan on keeping him that way.

There are times I feel so sad that we have this "Nursery" with a bed, desk, hi-speed internet and a warm family to share with a live-in caregiver of this child - No housework, not 3-5 children - No weekends or evenings (He sleeps with us)... 15-20 hours a week, mostly in the afternoon. Monthly Salary. Perfect for a college student. PERFECT for my daughter, his mother, if only... the "nursery" is the room that used to be hers... and that we lovingly redecorated up in hopes that she would be coming home with her child last summer.

Anyway - will keep doing our best - what else can we do? (My husband got a raise yesterday - WOOT!)

The letters between my daughter and I continue, and I am guardedly optimistic that she is "hearing" me and others who care about her right now... she's a "captive audience." She's clean, she's not with the "boyfriend", she is a "trustee" and able to make occasional phone calls. She's sad and homesick and thinking a lot about her child and is ashamed that she doesn't know him.

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Blog Love

Several updates -

My daughter's letters came to an abrupt halt after I wrote and expressed my concerns about her requests for money, etc (see last post)... She called a few days ago, and told me she was now a trustee and is keeping busy doing laundry, cleaning, etc... again, I don't know much about County Jails, but she seemed happy. She said my latest letter really got to her... yesterday I got another letter reiterating what she told me, and it was a much easier letter to digest than those she has sent before... She seems to be thinking about things as she should - admits she is ashamed of how she has been and what she has done - that when on Heroin she just didn't care... Hope this thought process and communication continues.

The babe is doing fine - the visits with his other grandparents have resumed - I miss him and worry about him when he is not here. Since he goes to a day care when he is with them, he often comes back with colds and such... It just seems unfair to him, but, what can I do? He is getting older and there is more and more of an adjustment needed when he comes home. He will be 7 Months old soon. I do have a short video of him laughing that I'll post when I can figure out how - he thinks it's hilarious when someone sneezes - and can play peek-a-boo for HOURS - lol

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Greetings... sigh

Well, Husband and I went shopping for Valentine's day cards and candy for the kids and grandkids - the only one I had trouble finding a card for was my addicted daughter, who is now in jail...

We joked about the need for greeting cards for inmates - and of course later when I googled it, there it is - www.threesquaresgreetings.com... this picture is from one, under the "tough love" category. There was another that I related to:

No More Promises -

"Outside Message: No More Promises...
Inside Message: When you called recently, I wasn’t very sympathetic. I guess I’ve heard your promises to change too many times. Please - stop promising to change and just do it."
Yep.

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Wings of An Angel ~ A lucid interlude

So much of my time these days is consumed with work... and so much each day gets left undone...

And then precious "extra time" is often spent zoning, blogging about my daughter, thinking, thinking...

So much time that an addicted child consumes, even when all precautions are taken.

I wanted to take this brief space and time to say thank you to my husband - He understands the unfathomable, always takes time to listen, and keeps me and this home running so smoothly.... And you should see him soothing a baby, mediating disputes with the young adults in the house and helping with last minute high school projects - often within minutes of coming home from a long commute from his hectic and stressful fast paced office. In this way, my life is so fair.

Thank your support team, whomever they are ...

Safe Behind bars

I was struck by the parallel life parents and child are living...

When needed, all are safely behind bars...

Totally dependent on their caretakers...

I will say, this little guy is right on track - sitting up on his own! Belly laughing at the cat and silly faces, moving forward on all fronts, in a positive direction... and, spends very little time in his crib :-) 6 months old!

And now my daughter is writing me 3-4 times a week, and each letter seems clearer.

Hope springs eternal

Definition of "Insanity?"

Well - you know the last Blog - Daughter arrested 1/7 - got out on 1/13 - ANOTHER PR Bond... amazing. Apparently the public defender did advise her, but of course I only have my daughter's version to go by... Judge released her on PR bond with condition that she return for a drug test tomorrow...

Geez - Guess what? Last night, I get a call... She was arrested AGAIN, this time "boyfriend" was arrested, too. Same thing, different store, different county... additional charge of "tampering with ID", whatever that means. She says they made a mistake, of course.

I don't think it's going to be a revolving door this time... but, who knows

Incognito

Not really - I just thought this was a fun picture... He's an adorable baby - so happy and sweet and blissfully unaware of any drama concerning him. Thankfully.

And, there really has been little drama, except the normal craziness of raising a 6 month old while also trying to work, etc... My husband and I both started new jobs in August, shortly after bringing Baby home. Last month we both got big validations - I was promoted to supervisor, and Husband got a HUGE bonus. It is so ironic that we have accomplished these things despite a custody case and a new babe in the house - makes us just a little unsympathetic to the complete apathy of this precious babe's parents, you know?

I got several cryptic phone calls this weekend - My daughter is back in jail. She was apparently arrested on the 7th for shoplifting - from the brief 60 sec "freebie" conversation I had with her Saturday, "boyfriend" was supposed to be "getting her out" - I guess she only called me because that hasn't happened yet. BIG Surprise.

There is apparently a service where I can put money on an account so that she can call me collect - I did it once, a loooong time ago - apparently that has been depleted on her other jail visits - and I'm not doing it again. $50 minimum. It is quite amazing how creative and resourceful she can be - she has a system where she calls me collect, and instead of saying her name, she says "Call "boyfriend" and tell him where I am", or something like that...

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